A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the top of the jar off."
----
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any
money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said,"Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
----
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know..)
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."