The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes. "Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief. "If you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?"
The good fairy waved her hand, and "Poof," the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady asked, "I really get two more wishes?"
"Yes," the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires." "Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." Another wave of the fairy's hand, and the wish was granted.
"Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man." The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.
The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured gently, "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"
Tree Hugger
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be better
off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride.
The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.
A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would
you like a hand job?"
The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"
A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said,
"Hey guy,would you like a ********?"
The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"
After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said,
"We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10
minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of
Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They
downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub!
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...
--------------------------------
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco! Crisssssssco!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Excuse me sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3."
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere."
The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"
"Lard A$$."
A bodybuilder was busy training on the beach when a couple of young girls came running past. He saw this and started posing for them. He showed them his biceps and said, "Ten pounds of dynamite!" And, the girls almost fainted.
Next he showed them his bulging chest and said, "Twenty pounds of dynamite!" And, the girls started screaming.
At this stage the bodybuilder was so full of it, that he desired to show them his legs. He bulged his left leg and suddenly his pants fell down.
One of the girls shouted, "Let's run for it. Look how short his fuse is!"
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008."
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?" asked Bill.
"Well, Hillary responds, we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador."
"When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.
With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and say's, "Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"
Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."
They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.
"Tell me, said Hillary, why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"
"Good Lord no.", said the bartender, "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a$$holes!"
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's' rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he''''d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow
Things to do in the bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
MR. & MRS. SMITH
Mr. Smith went to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimers disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't f_ck her."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened."
"Yeah, it did," he said, "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house,"..The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yeah, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out!"
"What about your friend?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straiaght in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG'."
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the hell are you doing that?"
The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW", exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an azshole when you're drunk."
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran Wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say,"Honey, I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, Michael spots his wife all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately remarks, "Leftovers again!"
how do you know if your wife is dead?
If the sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when a brand-new BMW drove up. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry receives a response. He says "You have 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. You can take one of my calves." The young man selects an animal and stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
The cowboy says, "If I tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman ", says the cowboy.
"Correct! But how did you guess ?"
"You showed up uninvited; you want to be paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are than I am and you don't know a thing about cows... Now give me back my dog."
MEN Q. and A.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a ****.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask directions.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q.What is the difference between men & government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. They all already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A Widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and to to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. How are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They are married.
WHY PARENTS DRINK
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
A father takes his young toddler boy to the park one day. After a picnic lunch and playing on the playground, they walk home. As they pass an empty lot, the young boy noticed two dogs mating and asks his father, "What are those two dogs doing?" The father simply replies, "They are making puppies, that's how big dogs make more little puppies." Fortunately, the little boy simply says, "Oh, okay." and they continue home. Several days later, the young boy wakens at night and wanders into his parents room. The couple is shocked to have been caught by surprise while making love, and the boy asks, "Daddy, what are you doing to mommy." The father decides to answer openly and says, "This is how two grown ups who love each other make babies." The little boy is silent for a moment, then replies, "Dad, could you turn her around? I would rather have a puppy."
HONEY, I HAVE A HEADACHE:
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!"
"Perfect", her husband said. "I was in the bathroom powdering my pe nis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!"
The doctor said,
"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
" Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time".
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my p e n i s-one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my p e n i s- two-hundred and fifty times".
A new Captain comes to a French Foreign legion post in the middle of the desert to take over command. The post is an absolute mess because the previous captain didn't care. So the new Captain has the men spit shinning the whole post. Raking up the leafs, painting the building, washing the floors...everything. Well, the post is finally ship shape and the Captain says to the Corpral, "CORPORAL, THE MEN DID A REAL FINE JOB AT CLEANING UP THE POST. I'M VERY PROUD OF THEM. I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION. WHAT'S THAT CAMEL DOING OUT BACK OF THE MENS BARRACKS?" The Corporal says to the Captain in a round about kind of way, "WELL,AHH, YOU SEE SIR, AHH THE MEN KIND OF NEED IT SIR AHH, BECAUSE AHH THE WOMEN"........."SAY NO MORE CORPORAL, I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY" says the Captain. So a week goes by and the Captain starts getting a little horny and asks the Corporal.. "CORPORAL, DO YOU THINK THE MEN WOULD MIND IF I BORROWED THE CAMEL FOR A BIT"? The Corporal told him it would be alright. So the Captain and the Corporal go to the back of the mens barracks where the camel is and the Captain stacks up a few crates behind the camel and climbs up, drops his pants and starts to bang the camel. The Captain looks down and says to the Corporal "CORPORAL, IS THIS THE WAY THE MEN DO IT"? The Corporal said to the Captain..."NO SIR. THE MEN USUALLY GET ON THE CAMELS BACK AND RIDE TO THE OASIS TO WHERE THE WOMAN ARE".
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse. "I want to get weighed, " replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Amber responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A 70 year old Syrian immigrant who now lives in New Jersey is digging up his garden to plant potatoes as he does every year. He is just too old and frail to do this anymore. He goes back in the house for a cold drink and decides to send his son an email.
"Dear Ali,...Hope your studies are going well in France. I wish you were here to help with the potato garden this year. It is too hard to dig up myself. Love you, Dad"
The next day he receives a email back that says "Dear Dad, DO NOT go near the potato garden. That is where I buried the STUFF. Love, Ali"
Within 2 hours of this email the FBI, CIA and local police are raiding his house and digging up the garden. They find nothing.
Later that evening he receives another email from his son "Dear Dad, the garden should be nice and dug up and ready for you to plant potatoes. Have a great harvest. Love, Ali"
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."