Favourite joke........?

Question

what is your favourite joke?

(if it is racist, sexist or anything offensive..just e-mail me, i can handle ALL humour, and am not easily offended..so PM any offensive ones xD)


other than that, what is your fav joke?

Answer 1

A blonde is driving on her way to work.



Her husband calls her cellphone, and tells her to be careful

because there is a crazed driver

going the wrong way on the 405.



To which the blond replies "Yeah there's not just one,

there's f*cking hundreds of them!"

Answer 2

It's a little long, but cowboy poetry is the best, I think.



Now I know there's things worse that make cowpunchers curse,

And I reckon it's happened to us all.

Though it's years since, you bet, when I think of it yet,

It still makes my old innards crawl.



I was makin' a ride to bring in one hide

That hadn't showed up in the gather;

I was riding upstream, daydreamin' a dream,

When I caught there was somethin' the matter.



Near some quakin' asp trees, I had caught in the breeze

A stench that was raunchy and mean,

And I reckoned as how it might be the old cow,

So I rode to a bend in the stream.



Shore 'nuff that cow lied in the crick there and died;

Hard tellin' how long she'd been been there.

She was bloated and tight, twas a horrible sight --

She was oozin' and slippin' her hair.



Her eye sockets were alive with maggots that thrive

On dead flesh, putrid yellow and green,

And the hot sun burnin' down, turnin' pink things to brown,

Spewin' oily gunk in the stream.



Well, I spurred upwind fast to get away from the blast

Of the heavy stench the cow made;

And I felt bad seein's how I'd lost the old cow,

And I pulled up near a tree in the shade.



Then I got sick to the core, rememberin' just minutes before

I'd done something that made me feel worse;

Not thirty yards down I'd stepped off to the ground

And drank 'til my belly near burst.



For months after it, just the thought made me spit,

And I'd live it over like a bad dream.

And the moral, I think, is if you must take a drink,

Never, ever remount and ride upstream.

Answer 3

Not my favorite joke but i like it.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:



"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Answer 4

i'd tell you the story about a pencil but it has no point.





two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted. (that sounds better spoken than read)

Answer 5

Did you hear of the drummer that finished high school?

Me either.



I love a good band joke. :)

Answer 6

Why wasn't the boy sad when his flashlight battery died? Because he was de-lighted.

Answer 7

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