REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-*** man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
=============
woman answered her front door and found two little boys
standing there holding a long list.
"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a
piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging
hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
======================
Something to Try Next Time Someone "Must" Have Your Answer Immediately
A simply response for people whenever you are asked to do something at the 11th hour:
"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."
==============
Here are some of life's simple pleasures that we all have experienced at one time or another.
Some, many times over..............
Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one.........
Give yourself permission to Take your time reading this and to really FEEL GOOD
about your thoughts and memories, especially with the thought at the end.
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The beach.
18. Finding a $20 note in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.
Friends are the quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
==============================
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair" - Thom Sharp
"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better" - Maureen Murphy
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it" - Sam Levenson
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, whe know this is not true" - Robert Wilensky
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted" - Mae West
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them" - Bette Midler
===================
If you can't be tough, act Tough
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her
faithful pet poodle along for company.
One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle
discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks,
"OK, I'm in deep trouble now!
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had
me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must
be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine.
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get
close enough to hear, the poodle says....
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"
SOMETIMES B.S. AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME!
===================
(apologies to the dear men in my life)
Men are like..... Placemats. They only show up when there's food
on the table.
Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but
that's about it.
Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that
bright.
Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they
don't generate much interest.
Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you
get the hang of it.
Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're
always in your hair.
--------------------------
Really..?
A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to
borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money
comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The
farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look
at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look
at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The
farmer looks very pleased:
"The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence,
and serviced all my neighbor's cows three times."
"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like
chocolate." (!)
===================
If men TRULY ran the world...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a
"Nice going, you'll get it next time" would pretty much be it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it only
occurred on leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow you got to spend the
day drinking. Mother's day too
5. Garbage would take itself out
6. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be
"Monday Night Football from Another Angle."
7. Instead of a "beer belly" you'd get "beer biceps"
8. Two words: Ally McNaked
9. Tanks would be far easier to rent
10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again
11. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year
12. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and
eat the losers
13. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as
you returned it the next day with a full tank of gas.
14. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're
#1!"
15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
16. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
==============
This makes interesting reading. Take a look..... believe it or not
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !
==============
Pessimist: "My glass is half empty"
Optimist: "My glass is half full"
Corporate downsizing consultant: "Looks like we've got twice as much glass as we need here"
- Janice Wilson
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.
"The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now the Lord will give you MEAT. You will not eat it for JUST one day, or two days, or five, or ten or 20 days, but for a MONTH, until you LOATHE it."
The woman paused and asked, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
- Dave Marting
My Daughter told me she needed a calculator for her maths homework. I handed her one, then asked, "What would you do if you had no calculator and had to work it out in your head?"
"That's cheating, Mummy," she said. "We're not supposed to USE OUR HEADS."
- Anne Walker
My colleague and I were makking a sales call to a rural church.
At the end of our presentation to the church committtee, the chairman knelt before the alter.
After about a minute of silent prayer, he returned and announced in a solemn tone, "the Lord tells me we should wait a while on this purchase."
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down.
Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and declared,
"He wants to talk with your again."
- Harold Lamb
==============
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
- Dale Carnegie
Life Reflections
· If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
· Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
· Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That
way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
· Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
· A closed mouth gathers no feet.
· If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
· My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
· I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of my face.
· If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
· Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.
· Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
· A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
· Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
· Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
· No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating
it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store
in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of
the chocolate to protect themselves.(We're testing this with
other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look
younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do
today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You
can't let that happen, can you?
=============
It seems an old fisherman stumbled across a talking frog while
out fishing one day.
The frog said: "I'll turn into a ravishing beauty and fulfill
your every desire, if only you'll kiss me." The fisherman scooped
up the frog and put him in his pocket.
Later on, at a bar, he pulled the frog out and set the frog next
to his beer. When the bartender overheard the frog repeat the
offer, he asked the fisherman what he was waiting for.
The fisherman replied:
"At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”
“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”
“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”
“That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”
"That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived.”
God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.
And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?”
“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”
“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”
“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”
“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.”
“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”
“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”
“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing and see it differently.”
“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”
"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.
"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"
God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”
-author unknown
==============
Signs You're Already a Grown-up
· Your potted plants stay alive.
· Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
· You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
· 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
· You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
· You carry an umbrella.
· You watch the Weather Channel.
· Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
· You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
· Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
· You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
· Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
· You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
· Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
· You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
· Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
· You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
· Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
· MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
· You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
· A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
· You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
· Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ding Dongs.
· "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
· Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
· You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
· You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.
==============
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That I should keep my words both soft and tender, because
tomorrow I may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do
about it.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's the small daily happenings that make life so
spectacular.
I've learned....
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me
think I can?
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only
letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies
and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the
ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in
his little fist, you're hooked for life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all
the happiness and growth occur while you're climbing it.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I
get done.
==============
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical
examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After
the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for
the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. But then, after I
have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and
chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns
that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second
time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
============
Slow down for just a minute to read this.
It is SO worth it... Touching words "from the mouths of babes."
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-old kids...
QUESTION: What does Love mean?
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.....
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (WOW!!!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody .. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"
==============
25 awful signs that you're getting old:
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list. (hee hee hee)
============
The following questions and answers were (supposedly)
collected from last year's SAT tests given in Springdale,
Arkansas to 16 year old students!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A famous dead Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
=============
I saw this quote somewhere, I thought it was rather pithy:
"Men are from earth, and
Women are from earth,
GET OVER IT!"
Subject: Venus and Mars
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me tonight.”
I said “What? What is that?”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different and very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Darling."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, Darling. I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "What!?!"
I then said, "Really Darling! I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
=================
You will appreciate this now you are in your 40's. It might be just what you need.
Good luck!
New exercise Routine
New exercise routine if you're over 40.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP.. ...
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.
=========
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th
DWI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his supervisor. The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the supervisor
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
SGT: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
SGT: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
SGT: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
SGT: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
SGT: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? I'll bet that lying son-of-***** told you I was
speeding, too.
==========
Great Bumper Stickers
· Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
· I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
· Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
· I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
· I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
· Keep honking, I'm reloading.
· As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
· God must love stupid people, he made so many.
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
· I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
· Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
· Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
============
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
==========
Charles Sykes, the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS, provided for high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school.
In his book, he talks about how the feel good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality, and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1.
Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2.
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3.
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
Rule 4.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6.
If you mess up, it's not your parents fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7.
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8.
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9.
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and Very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10.
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to Leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
=============
Recently a “Husband Shopping Centre” opened in Melbourne where women could go to choose a husband from a range of many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened a door to any floor, you had to choose a man from that floor.
If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down, except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went shopping to find some husbands and went up in the elevator.
First Floor:
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids”.
The women read the sign and said “Well, that’s better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they went.
Second Floor:
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking”.
“Hmmmm”’ said the ladies, “but I wonder what’s further up”?
Third Floor:
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework”.
“Wow!” said the women. “Very tempting, but, there’s even more further up!” And so up they went.
Fourth Floor:
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak”.
“Oh my God!” they exclaimed, “But what must be waiting for us further up?” So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth Floor:
When they got to the fifth floor, the sign on that door read,
“This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please”.
====
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die.
What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You
get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until
you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs,
alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school. You go to grade
school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb. You spend your
last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it."
============
Excuses for Not Going to Work
· I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?
· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.
· The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
· When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
· I'd prefer to remain an enigma.
· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
· I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer. I used to read her weekly magazine columns and thought she was a blast, a real dose of good humor in the midst of daily life crisis... I'm so sad that she finally succumbed, R.I.P. Erma.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.
And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Purple Hat...
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't even bother to look... Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have FUN with the world.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier!!
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
everyday and each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked,
"What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old
man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much
as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his
hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what
was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here
ten years ago!"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Bumper snickers
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
know there is no money in the account?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the
others doing here?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they can be
assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
In fairness, if a deaf person has to go to court, is it
still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change clothes?
They're going to see you naked anyway
===========
…“I think if you think your boss is stupid, remember: you would not have a job if he were any smarter”.
- Rene Rivkin.
==========
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
These are NOT the answers to take into your next
exams, children.
A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a
female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a
great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they
all shouted 'hurrah.'
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
clipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided
against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died from this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-
Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to fill their days.
I went to the shops the other day. I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a Senior Citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
I called him a nasty piece of dog ****.
He finished the second ticket with a flourish and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 10 minutes.
The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired... It's important at my age!
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
THE TOP 16 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
Anonymous
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
--Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
--Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
--Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife.
--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you a rib.
--Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven
years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's
right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
--Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get
his daughter for a wife.
--David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
--Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
seen a woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
though).
--David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
idea, it's the law).
--Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!!
--Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
=============================================
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
--Quentin Crisp
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah's
Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like
strangers going up to their door and annoying them."
- Bruce Clark
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Grandkids Are The Best!
This small collection of great stories is new (to me at
least) and I had to pass them along.
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who was decorating them with
tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a
girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the
little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles.
When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said,
while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles
are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one
thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into
his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her
own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a
pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree
in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
berries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we
alike?"
"You're both old," he said.
*********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "My underwear
label says I'm four."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Useless Facts To Make Life More Fun
Someone sent me these totally useless facts, but
on the premise that you never know when they might come in
handy, I pass them along as a public service. (And, please
don't write to tell me some or all of them are mistaken - I
make no promise of accuracy. I only know they made me chuckle.)
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the
US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to
work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get
this...) The percentage of North America that is
wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given
hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in
China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Only two people signed the American Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Encyclopaedia Britannica
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows F**king everything.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
mature women are great because...
This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's and... and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!...
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like
one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffeured, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
IF
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you
time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Charles Sykes, the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS, provided for high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school.
In his book, he talks about how the feel good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality, and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1.
Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2.
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3.
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
Rule 4.
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5.
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6.
If you mess up, it's not your parents fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7.
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8.
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9.
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and Very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10.
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to Leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Love, Sex, Men vs Women
It's not the men in my life that counts - it's the life in my men. (Mae West)
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)
It's better to be looked over than overlooked. (Mae West)
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. (Mae West)
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. (Joan Rivers)
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)
Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. (Mae West)
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. (Rudyard Kipling)
A man is only as old as the woman he feels. (Groucho Marx)
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls. (Groucho Marx)
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. (Bill Vaughan)
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad. (Helen Rowland)
When you see what some women marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living. (Helen Rowland)
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. (Alfred Kinsey)
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
You mean apart from my own. (Zsa Zsa Gabor, asked how many husbands she had had)
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
"Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS - Did you Know - and more
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. he may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~* !
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)
DID YOU KNOW?
The human brain is about 85% water
Swans are the only birds with penises
Bulletproof vest, fire escapes, laser printers, and windshield wipers were all invented by women
Apples, not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up in the morning
About 10% of the population is left-handed
The average human body contains enough iron to make a 7.62cm nail
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and then sinking to the bottom.. up, then down, up, then down…..
Most people fear public speaking more then death
You can hear the tick of a watch from 6 meters in a very quiet conditions (especially when you are trying to fall asleep at night!)
Most lipsticks contain fish scales
It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown
A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes
No words in the English language rhyme with month, orange, silver or purple.
Every time you lick a stamp you’re consuming 0.1 of a calorie
Traveling by air is the safest means of transport
The modern flushing toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper
The left lung is smaller then the right lung to make room for the heart
Strawberries have more vitamin C in them than oranges.
Ketchup is excellent for cleaning brass, especially
tarnished and corroded brass.
More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's
first flight.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's
"Born in the USA."
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven
(7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are 20 years of age
or older. They live from 200 to 400 years...
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
(1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro Man."
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro,
Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose
name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the
US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to
work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get
this...) The percentage of North America that is
wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given
hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in
China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 and then in reverse...)
Only two people signed the American Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the Arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself,then he gave some to the dog.When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
You forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile :)
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime .
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
TELLING SIGNS
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber"
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet--
miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Anniversary...
On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.
"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.
Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,
"What in the world are these?"
"Aspirin," he replies.
"But I don't have a headache," says she.
"GOTCHA!"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
from the mouths of babes...
SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those
of his parents."
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He
was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama,
look what I found," the boy called out." "What have you got
there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for
a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she
warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why
not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.
"Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
"Everything I need to know in life, I learned from Noah's
Ark."
1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. Even when you're 600 years old you may get a
chance to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that
needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on
board with the cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float a while.
10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
professionals.
11. No matter how big the storm, there's always a rainbow afterward.