Your funniest jokes?

Question

Please, no blonde, yo mamma, or any other jokes that may insult or offend others. If you get them from a website, please label the website as one of your sources, if you don't that is called "plagiarizing".

Thanks!

Answer 1

Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and u shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to u to bring a smile on ur face.

http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml

http://www.ahajokes.com/

http://www.the-jokes.com/

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/

http://www.jokesgallery.com/

http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm

http://www.jokes2000.com/

http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/

http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html

http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm

http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98

http://www.blonde-jokes.info/

http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp



Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps u in making u laugh. Enjoy and have fun..

Answer 2

A Doctor, An Engineer and a Lawyer were walking their dogs in the park. Immersed in conversation, the topic eventually led to who had the best-smartest dog. Being men of deep thinking, they devised a contest whereby to determine who had the best-smartest dog. They pointed to a cluster of chicken bones, that some littering fool had left under an oak tree. They agreed, whatever dog would build the most significant monument, out of the chicken bones would win and thereafter that dog would be known as the best-smartest dog!

The Doctor's dog was first. Doc says, "hey stethoscope, go fetch them bones". Stethoscope, a smart canine, went up to the bones and built a perfect model of the human anatomy. Michelangelo would have been proud. The Engineer and the Lawyer both said "wow, that's a smart dog". Then it was the Engineer's turn. He called his dog, "hey Calculator, go arrange those bones in an intricate manner". Calculator ran up to the bones and arranged them with his nose and built a perfect model of the Golden Gate Bridge (that's in San Francisco). Everyone was really amazed. Clearly Calculator was a superior dog. Now it was time for the Lawyer's dog. The lawyer called his dog, "hey bull$hit"...go do something with them bones. Well, ole bull$hit just circles around the bones. Then the ole dog just went up and fahqued the other two dogs. Upon seeing the magnificent accomplishment of his dog, the lawyer took the rest of the day off.

Answer 3

A fellow goes to a different bar to his usual hangout one night and is having a few drinks when he spots a jar of $1 coins on the sideboard behind the bar. The barman would have people approach him, give him $1 which he would put in the jar whereupon they would whisper something in his ear. After a few seconds he would then shake his head from side to side and they would walk off looking rather despondent.



This went on for about an hour before curiousity got the better of the fellow. He called the barman over and said to him "Excuse me, but I've got to ask what is the story with all these people going up to you giving you $1 which you put in a jar before they whisper something in your ear." The barman cheerfully responds that it is actually a competition where for $1 people can take a guess at how many coins there is in the jar and, should they guess the correct number they win the contents of the jar.



With his immediate curiousity now satisfied the fellow goes on drinking but cannot resist the urge to try and guess the number of coins in the jar. Eventually temptation gets the better of him and he approaches the barman, gives him $1 and whispers in his ear $225.



Instead of shaking his head the barman goes off and checks his running tally sheet and confirms that there was indeed 225 $1 coins in the jar. He congratulates the fellow and hands him the jar. The fellow's celebrations continue on until closing time by which time he was in an advanced stage of inebriation.



Since the fellow lived nearby he collected up the jar and decided to walk home. He was doing fine until he reached the front steps of his house where he misplaced his footing and fell onto the step. The jar smashed and his coins went everywhere but he was in no fit state to pick them all up so he thought he'd just leave them and pick them up in the morning and he then made his way inside to his bed.



The next morning he was awoken by his very excited wife who said "You'll never guess what I just found on the front steps?". The fellows hazy memory of the previous night quickly cleared as he sat up in bed. Being a bit of a showoff he confidently replied "I think you found 225 $1 coins". His wife gave him the sort of look only a wife could give and responded "No stupid, 149 bottles of milk"





Apologies to all those under 50 that can't remember the good old days when people were able to leave money out for the milkman and have fresh bottled milk delivered overnight.

Answer 4

Why is it a nasty theory to play UNO with mexicans? because they're going to continually scouse borrow your eco-friendly-playing cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a vehicle. who's driving? A cop what's the version between a blackman and a bench? A bench can help a relations of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic crew? because each and every man or woman that may run, bounce and swim is already right here.

Answer 5

How many of Bush's White House Press Staff members does it take to change a light bulb?



They don't change light bulbs. It's their job to keep everyone in the dark.

- - - - -

Drunk says to the bartender "Hey, you got change for an 18 dollar bill?

Bartender says "Sure, pal, would you like a couple of 9s or do you want that all in 3s?

- - - - -

Cold Winters



I heard once about a Norwegian feller named Ole who lived way up there in northern Minnesota, somewhere real close to the Wisconsin border, I guess. After years and years of farming, he decided to put the farm up for sale. He called a realtor in town, who told him he would come out to the farm to help set a price and fill out all the paperwork. When Ole met with the realtor, among the many details to take care of, the realtor told Ole "we'll need to get a survey of the farm" and when everything is ready, I'll be back for some final paperwork. When the time came, the realtor guy called up Ole to set up a time to visit and get that last paperwork stuff all done. As they were chatting on the phone, the realtor happened to mention the survey and said to Ole, "You know, something funny happened here, when the survey and the legal description came back, it said that you actually live in Wisconsin. Hah, and to think that all this time we thought your property was in Minnesota. Don't that just beat all?", to which Ole replied "Really? Vell, I tink maybe I von't sell da farm after all, ya know. It vas dose doggone cold Minnesota vinters I vas trying to get avay from."

- - - - -

Two nice little old ladies are driviing down the road toward town and come to a stop sign. Instead of stopping, they sail right throught he intersection and almost get hit broadside. The passenger, Mabel, is a little shaken, looks at the driver and shudders a bit but doesn't sat anything to her. A mile later, they swerve around a sharp curve at full speed and almost end up in a ditch and Mabel gives out shreik. "Did you say something, dearie?" the driver asks. At a railroad crossing ahead, there's a train approaching and they barely clear the tracks in front of a full speed train by inches. Mabel hollers out "For God's Sake, Ethel, are you trying to get us killed? Would you watch your driving?" Ethel answers "What, you mean I'm driving?"

Answer 6

I have not seen this one on the Internet, email, of websites, so here goes:

An old woman goes into a pet store, she is lonely and wants a pet as a companion.

The pet store salesman says, why not a parrot, it will talk and keep you company.

She bought it and brought it home. But it would not talk. She took it back and the salesman said, well did you get it a little mirror to look at himself, and then he will be happy and talk. So she bought the ladder, but it still would not talk.

She goes back and says, it still won't talk, so the salesman says, well did you get it a little ladder then he could go up the ladder to his mirror and be happy and then talk. So she buys the ladder, but it still would not talk. Finally the old woman goes back into the store, and the pet store salesman said, well, I bet he is talking now, isn't he. No, said the old woman, he is dead. Well, said the salesman, didn't he say anything before he died? Yes, she said, he said. "DON'T THEY HAVE ANY FOOD IN THAT STORE".

Answer 7

The Priest did not lie!

A lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked him, " Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favour? "

The priest replied, " Of course my child. What can I do for you ? "

I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock (A black garment reaching down to the ankles; worn by priests or choristers) ? "

The priest replied, " Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie ! "

The lady said, " You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions "

So, she gave him the ' Hair remover ' gadget, which the priest put under his cassock.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers. He asked the priest, " Father, do you have anything to declare ? "

The priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare "

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, " And from the sash down father, what do you have ?"

Again the priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . . Which has never been used ! "

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person please . . . . . !!! "

Answer 8

there was an priest, the president,a genius, and a boy on an plane that was about to crash but only three parachutes tha president said i should get the first parachute because I'm very important and then he jumped the the genius said i should also get one because im very smart an i need to invent more things to help make the world a better place to live so then he jumped then the priest said to the boy you can have the last parachute you are young go and live your life an be happy don't worry about me then the little boy said the both can have a parachute then the priest said i don't understand so the boy said the genius took my backpack.

Answer 9

A man met a beautiful woman at the gym. He walked up to her and ripped off his shirt. " Nice pecs " said the woman. The man responded, "That's a hundred pounds of dynamite, Baby." He then ripped off his pants. "Nice thighs" said the woman. The man responded again with, "That's a hundred pounds of dynamite, Baby." He then ripped off his underwear, and the woman ran out the door screaming. The man chased her down and asked what was wrong. The woman said, "I just wasn't sure I wanted to be around all that dynamite once I saw how short the fuse was.

Answer 10

Two things to know before you read below: Marines are taught 1) Keep your priorities in order and 2) Know when to act without hesitation.





A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."





The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting."





It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.





The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"





The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff. So He sent me



It's just a joke! I'm a retired Marine and if it offends anyone you need to lighten up!

Answer 11

Imagine a beautiful beach with white sand; you are listening to the gently rocking background noise from the waves.





Beautiful bodies enjoying the warm sun, your third beer just emptied and you are dozing off in the sun lounger.





Suddenly, a cloud appears, making you realize that your tranquil peace is about to change.......You look up and you see this.....



Click here.....

Answer 12

Shot The Dog

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Answer 13

Your mamma so booty so damn big when she turn around she face another continent and always knock something over,she knocked me out the 10th time and knocked down the statue of liberty and the Eifel tower as well!

Answer 14

When I turned 40, I wanted to marry this girl, but she was only 10. My friends

said that being 4 times as old as this girl wasn't right, so I waited 5 years.

Now, I was only 3 times as old as this girl.

But that wasn't enough, so I reluctantly waited another 15 years.

Now, I was only twice as old as my honey.

How many years must I wait before we're the same age?

Answer 15

Like ALL jokes are original... PALEEEEZZZZZE!!!!! YOU are stealing from the person who does give you the funniest joke in here... Your question and the way you consider plagiarism...... that is a joke!

Answer 16

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:



A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My loving wife



Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Answer 17

Ok.. Y was 6 afraid of 7?

Becuz 7... 8.... 9!!!!

Sorry but u said no jokes that ofend others and thats all I know.

Answer 18

One day there was a little Rabbit, he was running through the forest really, really fast when suddenly he came across a Giraffe about to smoke a joint. The Rabbit turns to the Giraffe and says "Giraffe, why do you do this to your body, dont you know that it is bad for you, come, run with me through the forest and i will show you how much better life can be?" the Giraffe stops what he is doing, he looked at the joint, then looked at the Rabbit, he put the joint down and off through the forrest they went.



As they were enjoying their run throught the forest the Rabbit and the Girrafe come across an Elephant about to do a line of coke, they stop straight away and they Rabbit just had to ask "Elephant, why do you do this to your body, dont you know that it is bad for you, come, run with me through the forest and i will show you how much better life can be?" so the Elephant looked at hiz razor and mirror, looks at the Rabbit, puts down the drugs and off he goes into the forrest with the Rabbit and the Giraffe.



Suddenly the come across a Loin about to shoot up, the Rabbit was in shock, he turned to the lion and said "Lion, why do you do this to your body, dont you know that it is bad for you, come, run with us through the forest and we will show you how much better life can be?" the Lion stops and gives the Rabbit such a blank look, when all of a sudden, the Lion jumps onto the Rabbit and starts to maul him to death. The Giraffe and Elephant are totally shocked by what they are seeing, the ask the Loin "Why would you do that, don't you see that he was only trying to help you, to show you a better side to life?"



The Lion turns to them and says "For christ sake, don't F*cking make me feel like the bad one here, everytime that little F*cker is on pills, he wants me to run through the F*cking forrest looking like a F*cking retard, well i've had enough...!



=)

Answer 19

Squeaky Clean



One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.

She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''

The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.

In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

Answer 20

A kid sees his dad in the shower one day and the kid sees his dad's wiener and he asks his dad what it is. The dad isn't ready to give the sex talk yet so he just says to his son, "that's my car." The next day the kid walks in on his mom going to the bathroom and he sees her vagina and he asks her what it is. The mom doesn't want to open that can of worms either so she just says to him, "son, that's mommy's garage." The next night the kid has a nightmare and runs to his parent's bedroom in the middle of the night. When he opens the door he is surprised by what he sees. "Oh my God!" he yells. "Daddy's car is parked in mommy's garage!"

Answer 21

It was a bit nasty, but "The Boat Ride" joke told by Ron White made me laugh until I peed myself!

Answer 22

This is the fairy tale that you should have been reading



as little girls...



Once upon a time,

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat,

~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

~~~~~~~~

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

~~~~~~~~

and said: Elegant Lady,

~~~~~~~~

I was once a handsome prince,

~~~~~~~~

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

~~~~~~~~

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sauteed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I DON'T FREAKIN' THINK SO!!!

Answer 23

there are three people in this story. their names are shutup,



noneofyourbusiness and trouble.



one day, shutup and noneofyourbusiness were walking down the street when suddenly they noticed that trouble wasn't with them.



then they think maybe a policeman can help them find trouble,



so the policeman turned to shutup and asked: "what's your name?"



of course he said "shutup".



then the policeman turn to noneofyourbusiness and asked: "what's your name?"



then he said "noneofyourbusiness".



the policeman then said: "say are you guys looking for trouble?"



then shutup said: "yes, have you seen him?"



editor's note: they found him!!

(found this joke on my book)

Answer 24

A son ask his father one day ' dad, how much does a marriage cost? The father quitely replied ' i dont know son i'm still paying for it'.

Answer 25

What do you call a piece of chocolate and a chip mixed together?

Chocolate chip



And what do you get when you mix dough and a chocolate chip together?

Chocolate chip cookie



And what do you get when you mix a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk?

Yummy in my tummy!! (MM MM MM!)

Answer 26

What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers.

How do you count a herd of cattle? With a cowculator.

Answer 27

May i post a dumb-blonde joke?

Answer 28

One I heard in college a few decades ago.



Why is a man's semen white and his

urine yellow.













So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Answer 29

Johnny was late for school one day. Teacher says, "Why R U late? " He says," I had to take the bull out to the cow. " She says, "Couldn't your father have done it?" He says, "No mam, it's got to be the bull."

Answer 30

I'm not a good joke teller sorry

Answer 31

Why did the kids stop playing basketball?



Because the basketball was a blasterball!



(Blasterball and Basketball do sound alike, don't they)?

Answer 32

In 1968 presidential candidate Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:



(a) Superman

(b) Jay Leno

(c) Harry Potter

(d) Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40



In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:



(a) Olga Corbutt

(b) Sitting Bull

(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40



In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:



(a) Norwegians from Ballard

(b) Elvis

(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:



(a) A pizza delivery boy

(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an

unfair and sexist requirement in basic training

(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:



(a) John Dillinger

(b) The King of Sweden

(c) The Boy Scouts

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40



In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:



(a) The Smurfs

(b) Davy Jones

(c) The Little Mermaid

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.



In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:



(a) Captain Kidd

(b) Charles Lindberg

(c) Mother Teresa

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40



In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:



(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2"

(b) The Tooth Fairy

(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train mission

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:



(a) Richard Simmons

(b) Grandma Moses

(c) Michael Jordan

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.



In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:



(a) Mr. Rogers

(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems

(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



In October 2000, the USS Cole was attacked by suicide bombers resulting in the deaths of 17 US Navy Sailors. This attack was carried out by:



(a) Pink Floyd

(b) Jethro Tull

(c) Lynyrd Skynner

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one was crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:



(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd

(b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election

(c) Mr. Bean

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:



(a) Bonny and Clyde

(b) Captain Kangaroo

(c) Billy Graham

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.





Hmmm ............. nope, ain't no patterns here.

Answer 33

Don't eat school dinners,

Just throw them aside.

A lot of kids didn't,

A lot of kids died.

The meat's made of iron,

The spuds are of steel,

And it THEY DON'T kill you,

The pudding will !

Answer 34

this guy was walking down the road with a barrel full of fannies.he sees this girl and asks"do you want your hole"she replies no i certainly do not"!!!! and the guy says throw it in the barrel then

Answer 35

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?



A: Full

Answer 36

Knock knock

Who's there?

Water

Water who?

Water you doing?

Answer 37

Your a big joke.

Answer 38

the one about the banana and the kangaroo is pretty good

Answer 39

Sorry but I have several.. maybe this one:



Q. Why do ballerinas wear tights?



A. So they don't stick to the floor while doing

the splits

Answer 40

You just took the fun out of it.

Answer 41

the one about the marine from basscatcher is good

Answer 42

You just eliminated 98,8% of all jokes right there, compadre.

Answer 43

there two muffins baking in the oven.... one says to the other, "man, its really hot in here." and the other one says " AAHHH!!!! TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!" (imagine a voice like cookie monster saying it, it sounds funnier...)

Answer 44

You just made me forget what i was going to say!

Answer 45

What did one butt cheek say to the other?



If we stick together, we can stop this sh**!

Answer 46

knock knock



justin



justin time

Answer 47

knock knock



who's there



ya



ya-who?











Do you yahoo?

Answer 48

Raju-has answered well.

Answer 49

Ask a chick ~ ''Have you ever heard of the 3 hour orgasm? "

.....when they say, ''No ! "

give them your phone number & say, "CALL ME !" !

Answer 50

Q: how did pinochio knew that he is a man?















A: When he masturbate it fire.

Answer 51

they had just told what i must say

Answer 52

what's left than?

Answer 53

Oh you better love Little Johnny Jokes. Here's some for you:



It was almost time for the bell to ring. Johnny's teacher had asked him to stay after class because she was going to have a conference with his parents about his sexual behavior in class. She had promised him that she would give him whatever he wanted.



Once the bell had ranged and both Johnny and his teacher were alone he said,

"Take off your clothes."



Reluctantly his teacher replied,

"No."



"But you said you'd give me whatever I wanted."



"Alright then," so Johnny's teacher shed her clothes.



"Get on the desk," replied Johnny.



"No, now that's enough Johnny!"



"But... but you said you would give me whatever I wanted."



"Fine, just this one last time okay?"



"Okay."



So Johnny got on top of his teacher and got busy. Just then his parents walked in. Both his parents exclaimed at the same time,

"JOHNNY HARDER!" So he went harder.



Then his little sister walked in and yelled,

"JOHNNY HARDER!" So again he went harder.



Last but not least his grandfather walked in and screamed,

"JOHNNY HARDER!"



Tired Johnny yelled back at his family,

"I'M GOING AS HARD AS I CAN!!!"

===========

"Happy 6th Birthday, Johnny!" a banner said that was hanging in Johnny's living room.



"Yay me!" he thought.



Then he went to his mom, who was about to get in the shower,

"Mommy, can I take a shower with you? It is my birthday."



"Well, ok. But don't look up or down." she replied.



In the shower, Johnny looked down,

"Mommy, what's that?"



"That's... um... my bush."



Then he looked up,

"Mommy, what are those?"



"Those are... um... my flashlights."



"ok."



Then later on, his dad was about to get in the shower.



"Daddy, can I shower with you? It is my birthday."





"I guess so but only today. And don't look down." he answered.



In the shower, Johnny looked down,

"Daddy, what's that?"



"That is my... um... snake."



"Oh, I have one too!"



"Yeah, that's right." his dad answered.



That night, Johnny asked his parents,

"Can I sleep with you tonight? It is my birthday and there's a monster under my bed."



"Well... only tonight because it's your birthday." his dad answered. "And don't look under the covers, ok Johnny?"



"Ok." So they got into bed, and Johnny looked under the covers.



Suddenly, he yelled,

"Mommy! Quick, turn on your flashlights! Daddy's snake is going through your bushes!"

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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.



So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"



Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".



"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.



So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"



"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.



"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

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Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.



He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."



A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"



She replies, "I lost it, honey."



A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"



Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

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BEST ONE FOR ME:

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather

curious.



He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.



One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.



This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.



"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.



He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.



His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.



About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.



Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.



When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!



Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.



Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.



Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.



After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.



Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.



I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Answer 54

sorry!!