"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"
------------------------------...
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant,
and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand!
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
------------------------------...
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. **** out to here, Mike.
****
out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy
about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...**** out to here, Mike.
**** out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I
said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't
swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... **** WAY out to here, Mike. **** WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in
your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her **** and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this
great
BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
------------------------------...
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)
------------------------------...
Some of the lesser known, new phobias...
"Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia
"Get that ******* vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia
"He's coming straight for us -- with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia
"You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia
"No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia
"No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia
"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia
"You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" ~ Rentanotherpornophobia
------------------------------...
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
And when we have REAL trouble, it's a...
HISterectomy
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
------------------------------...
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
------------------------------...
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
------------------------------...
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
------------------------------...
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
------------------------------...
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"
------------------------------...
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a *****, die!'"
------------------------------...
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy. Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar. When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".
------------------------------...
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."
------------------------------...
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
------------------------------...
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, ‘‘my son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."
------------------------------...
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
------------------------------...
Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
------------------------------...
Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".
------------------------------...
A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding.
As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."
He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
------------------------------...
In Lakewood, a Tennessee State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we said to just sell lemonade!)
------------------------------...
A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"
------------------------------...
There was this little boy that read an article one day. It was about this man holding a world record of holding poop in his hand for the longest time (25 years). So the boy decided that he was going to poop in his hand.
So the boy went off to school the next day, with the poop in his hand. The teacher noticed that he kept his hand closed, so she told the boy to open her hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OK. I'm sending you to the principal's office.
The kid went to the principal's off and the principal to the boy to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"Fine. Your suspended."
So the boy went home and his mother told him to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OPEN YOUR HAND."
"No."
So the mother slapped the boy's hand, and the boy said, "Look mom you scared the crap out of him."
------------------------------...
Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up?
A. Growing old is mandatory.
------------------------------...
Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force and the United States' Air Force?
A. The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
------------------------------...
There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!"
------------------------------...
A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad,
"Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."
------------------------------...
A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house."
------------------------------...
A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.
------------------------------...
A stupid man was walking briskly when he met another equally "intelligent" fellow. The former was carrying a basket with a dozen eggs. He said to the latter, "Tell me what is in this basket and I'll give you six eggs, and tell me how many they are and I'll give all the dozen eggs." The latter said, "Please give some more hints!"
------------------------------...
Wife: There's something preying on my mind.
Husband: Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation.
------------------------------...
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
------------------------------...
Sex is like poker... if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
------------------------------...
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
------------------------------...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
------------------------------...
A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, "Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."
------------------------------...
One day Saint Peter and Lucifer were having a problem with their boundaries. The following was their dialogue:
Saint Peter: Your fence is a little bit on my side.
Lucifer: Yes, but I won't move it an inch.
St. Peter: Then I'll sue you.
Lucifer: Oh yeah? Where do you think you'll get a lawyer.
------------------------------...
"Got anything to eat, lady?" asked the tramp.
"Do you mind eating last week's leftovers?"
"Not at all."
"Good. Come back next week then"
------------------------------...
Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."
------------------------------...
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
------------------------------...
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"
A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!
------------------------------...
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson - he brought the house down.
------------------------------...
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)
------------------------------...
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
------------------------------...
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.
Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.
Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!
------------------------------...
I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
------------------------------...
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
------------------------------...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the
water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
------------------------------...
Hillbillies Clem and Maisy Sue get married, then head to the 'community honeymoon shack' up in the holler for the marriage consummating. Along about 11 that night Clem comes shuffling back down the holler and walks into his Ma and Pa's abode. "What you doin' back so soon, boy?" his Pa asks. "Well, Pa, it's this way" Clem starts out, "Maisy Sue and me, we cain't stay married." "And why's thet?" "Well, Pa, yeh see, Maisy Sue, she's a virgin!" To which his father replies "You did good, boy. If she ain't good enuff fer her own kind, she ain't good enuff fer you."
------------------------------...
A young boy with a green, yellow and red Mohawk sits next to an old man at the park. After 5 minutes he turns to the old man and says "What are you staring at you never did anything crazy in your life". The old man turns and says "Sure have... I had sex with a peacock years back and I'm wondering if you're my son".
------------------------------...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."
------------------------------...
Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."
------------------------------...
Who says males can't be pregnant? I'm a male and pregnant with a baby elephant, the trunk's already hangin' out!"
------------------------------...
There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says " That's the fat pig I've been sleeping with when I'm not sleeping with you." His wife gets a confused look on her face and states " but honey that's not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says " Shut up pig I'm talking to the sheep!"
------------------------------...
Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired
------------------------------...
Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"
------------------------------...
"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife. "Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"
------------------------------...
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
------------------------------...
Q. What do you call a dear without any eyes?
A. No eye dear!
------------------------------...
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"
------------------------------...
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
------------------------------...
The only thing stopping your momma from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame.
------------------------------...
This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
------------------------------...
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
------------------------------...
What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48?
Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
------------------------------...
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
------------------------------...
"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?"
"Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.
------------------------------...
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"... "No, I'm still alive."
------------------------------...
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, " Nah." The salesman says, " But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, " What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the **** out."
------------------------------...
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
------------------------------...
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You'll never have to do it by hand again.
------------------------------...
The "Tickle me Elmo" factory just got a new employee. One day two guys go to the boss and complain about the new worker. So the boss goes to see the lady and they find her with a lot of Elmo's and a big bag of marbles and some red fabric. The lady is carefully putting two marbles in a piece of red fabric and then sewing that between Elmo's legs. The boss starts laughing and says, "I told you to give Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!"
------------------------------...
I may be Schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
------------------------------...
You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.
------------------------------...
Yo momma so fat we had to hire a RODEO CLOWN to bring in the grocers!
------------------------------...
Q. Why couldn't the G-unit member get on the bus?
A. He didn't have 50 cent
------------------------------...
Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this:
1. Lawyers reproduce faster.
2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers.
3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.
------------------------------...
While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.
------------------------------...
Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
------------------------------...
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you're lucky you don’t bark.
------------------------------...
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
------------------------------...
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
------------------------------...
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
------------------------------...
Ironic Celebrity Deaths...
Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night
RuPaul - Prostate cancer
O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
Madonna - Exposure
Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
------------------------------...
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
------------------------------...
Q. How much will a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A. A-buck-an-ear
------------------------------...
Q. Why do you never see chicken in underwear?
A. Because their peckers are on their face.
------------------------------...
You're so stupid you missed your bus number 44 so you rode bus 22 twice
------------------------------...
******* is so big.... Help I'm in labor with a baby elephant, and the trunk's already out!
------------------------------...
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
------------------------------...
An atheist went to the governor's office to ask about holidays. His complaint was that why does everyone else have a holiday. For example, Christians have Easter and Christmas. The Jewish Have Yom Kippur, etc. The Governor replied "You really want a holiday just for atheists?", "Yes, absolutely!" was his answer. The Governor replies, "Ok, your holiday will be on April 1st".
------------------------------...
In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"
------------------------------...
A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left...
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.
------------------------------...
A redneck, a preacher, and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer said, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?" The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama. I can take it." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?" The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me." An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.
------------------------------...
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's Best Comeback!
------------------------------...
The little boy kept pestering Grandpa, "Make a sound like a frog. Make a sound like a frog" until finally Grandpa says, "Just why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" In reply, the boy says, "I heard Mom and Dad talking. They said that as soon as you croak, we can go to Florida."
------------------------------...
A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview.
The interviewer invited the guy into his office, asked him to take a seat and sat down behind his desk to begin the interview.
"So, do you have any experience in this field." the interviewer asked.
"Oh yes. I am more than qualified for this position", the guy replied.
"And what type of experience do you have then?" the interviewer asked.
"I was raised in the Mahale Mountains in Tanzania by monkeys." the guy replied.
The interviewer was convinced he had a real nut case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. Peering over the rim of his glasses he asked, "Ah yeah, what did you say your name was again?"
"Jim...Jim Pan-Zee."
------------------------------...
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
------------------------------...
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
------------------------------...
On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"
------------------------------...
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.
He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"
The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
What's that?" he asks.
She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"
------------------------------...
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
------------------------------...
A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."
------------------------------...
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. ''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'
------------------------------...
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two *** holes, ya know." "What? He had two *** holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two *** holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *** holes.' "
------------------------------...
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note.
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
* * * * * * * * * *
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
* * * * * * * * * *
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your *** and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
------------------------------...
A person walks up to a man on the street and begins to ask him questions...
How many eyes does a rooster have?
"Two..."
"You're sure?"
"Yes..."
How many wings does a rooster have?
"Two..."
Your sure?
"Yes..."
How many ribs does a cat have?
"Not quite sure..."
Your sure?
"Yeah, sorry, no idea!"
Well how come you know so much more about **** than *****?!
------------------------------...
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
------------------------------...
SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
------------------------------...
He who runs behind a car is exhausted.
------------------------------...
He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.
------------------------------...
Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"
------------------------------...
A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
------------------------------...
Old McDonald sittin' on a bench,
poking his balls with a monkey wrench.
The wrench got small, it broke his balls,
and he pissed all over his overalls.
------------------------------...
There are a lot of people who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we
were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
------------------------------...
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not".
------------------------------...
Women's T-shirts
1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is...
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear
------------------------------...
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
------------------------------...
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
------------------------------...
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money.
Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
------------------------------...
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
------------------------------...
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
------------------------------...
Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
------------------------------...
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....
------------------------------...
Q. How did they know ET was a Rangers fan
A. He looked like one
------------------------------...
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.
********************sorry they're so long.*********************