GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
People Really Said These Things In Court 
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50 
Sag! You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc, Doc, Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Musical Recliners
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Hide and Go Pee!
Yogi Berra Quotes 
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
The Most Gruesome Death 
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''
Damned If I Know 
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Thoughts to ponder.
*Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
*I couldn't repair your brakes so i made your horn louder.
*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
*Always borrow money from pessimist. He won't expect it back.
*Where there's a will, there are 500 relatives.
*Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
____________________________________________________
I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>> > Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
>> >
>> > The girl said, "NO!"
>> >
>> > And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
>> >
>> > camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
>> >
>> > had sex with whomever she pleased..... She did whatever the hell she wanted,
>> >
>> > never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends,
>> >
>> > saved money, had all the hot water to herself,
>> >
>> > never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid,
>> >
>> >She watched chick flicks, never had football on,
>> >
>> > never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ***,
>> >
>> > had high self esteem, never cried or yelled,
>> >
>> > felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt,
>> >
>> > and burped, swore, and farted all the time.
>> >
>> >THE END
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- !?****!, that must be my husband!?
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed to the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I am your husband, you ****!!!
So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! So why were you running so fast?!! You son of a *****!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A billionaire decides to have a huge party for his 50th birthday in his garden, with a bar, a band, food, waitresses, swimming-pool,etc. He invites all his neighbours, and he invites Paddy as well, the only Irish man in the neighbourhood. So the party is on, champagne, petits fours, everything is great. Then the billionaire says :"I'll give 1 million euros to the first person who dares to fight the alligator who is in the swimming-pool". The sentence wasn't finished yet that Paddy is in the water fighting for a make or break war with the alligator. After 10 mins of fight, Paddy kills the alligator. The billionaire arrives :"Ok Paddy, I'll give you the million euros.
-I don't want the money !
-What do you want ? My porsche, so take the keys.
-I don't want your porsche !
-Do you want my golden rolex ? come on take it !
-I don't want your watch !!
-So what do you want ??
-I want the name of the asshole who pushed me in the water !!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jacob (85) and Rebecca (78) are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes"
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do!"
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation problems?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely!"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course!!!!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Oh, Yes, a large variety"
Jacob: "What about Vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely!"
Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them !!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.
* * September 2005 * *
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
>will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
>which was the other possibility.
>
>As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
>English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year
>phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
>
> In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
>make the sivil servants jump with joy.
>
> The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
>konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
>
> There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
>fotograf 20% shorter.
>
> In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
> to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
>
> Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
>always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>
> Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
>is disgrasful and it should go away.
>
> By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
>with "z" and "w" with "v".
>
> During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
>"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
>
> Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
>understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>
> Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
>forst plas.
* * * * * * * * *
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
* * * * * * * *
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ******* jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while *******. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of ****.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
* * * * * * * * *
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
* * * * * * * * *
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
* * * * * * * * *
There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:
"Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.
The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.
Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.
The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!
The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"
The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:
"There... now you're f**ked!
Thanks Sylvia for another this month
* * * * * * * * *
what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!
* * * * * * * * *
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
* * * * * * * * *
So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's **** and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."
* * * * * * * * *
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
* * * * * * * * *
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
* * * * * * * * * *
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
_________________________________
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
______________________________...
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
______________________________...
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
Thanks Frank, think we all feel better now!!
* * * * * * * * *
One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking
fellow at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him.
Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks
down to where the ugly man is.
The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I
couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over
you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've
ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these
ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the
way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not
the money.
Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about ?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the
foggiest idea
* * *
Even though the letters are jumbled in the following paragraph,
most people have no trouble reading it!
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
AWESOME.. no wonder I never see my spelling mistakes!
* * * * * **
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's responded
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Worse: With your father-in-law
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Worse: You find its a gay club
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.
* * * * * **
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Big thanks to Jenny. LOL.
* * * * * **
Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Monday?
A. Tell her a joke on Friday!
* * * * * **
Do Re Mi - by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY... The guy that sells me beer.
ME... The guy who drinks the beer
FAR... The distance to my beer.
SO... I think I'll have a beer.
LA... La la la la la la beer.
TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer.
That will bring us back to... "D'OH!" (Looks like my glass is empty)
* * * * * **
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”
“No,” he replied.
A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise ...”
* * * * * **
Three buddies die in a car crash, and find themselves at an orientation in Heaven. Each man is asked, “When you are lying in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you most like to hear them say about you?”
The first man says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and family man.”
The second man says, “I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and father, and a school teacher who made a huge difference in children’s lives.”
The third man says, “I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’ ”
* * * * * **
Caught Sleeping at Your Desk ?
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broke...."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"...Amen"
* * * * * **
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its ***."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their *** when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . . .
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ***?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
* * * * * **
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the
bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never
done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
* * * * * **
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
MOSES: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." and the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road!
JERRY SIENFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't any ever think to ask what was this chicken doing out of his pen walking around all over the place anyway?'
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken did cross the road reveals your underlying insecurity
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 780. Which will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and file your important documents.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road" but, it is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, and whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predispositioned to cross roads.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us he had and that was good enough for us!
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?????
MY DAD: Its a load of **** & bull .. I'll leave that to your imagination!!
* * * * * **
Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together
they managed to scrape together a staggering 50 pence. Mick said: 'Hang on I
have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large
Cumberland Sausage.
Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick: 'Don't
worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered
two pints and two large Jack Daniel's'.
Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in? We
haven't got any money!!' Mick: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers'
They had their drinks and Mick said: 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through
my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the
landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the 10th pub Paul said: ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer
- I am p*ssed and my knees are killing me'
Mick: 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub.'
* * * * * **
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs
away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only
finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl
up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and
goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped
prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and
hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be
dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
* * * * * **
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.
The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.
The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
* * * * * **
Detroit Lions
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team for '99. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window a good 200 yards away - ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers over 100 yards away - ka-blooey! Then a car passes, going around 90 miles per hour - bulls-eye! Right into it.
"I've got to get this guy", Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom", he says into the receiver, " I just won'the Super Bowl".
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son".
"I don't think you understand, Mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten and came within an inch of losing their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped...in broad daylight!"
The old lady pauses, in tears, "I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This is too good -- this idea will change the world !!!
When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk
like that, you know most of them come with
postage paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in those cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you didn't get anything else that day, then just
send them their application back! Just make sure your
name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you
can send it back empty if you want just to keep 'em guessing!
Eventually, the banks, insurance companies and credit
card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail,
and best of all -- THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!
And it only costs you a little bit of time.
Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages.They were collected over a period of three
years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, misinformation and, of course, spelling!
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
_______________________
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
_____________________________
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
_____________________________
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
_____________________________
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
_____________________________
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
_____________________________
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
_____________________________
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
_____________________________
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
_____________________________
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
_____________________________
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
_____________________________
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
_____________________________
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
_____________________________
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
____________________________
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel ervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
_____________________________
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itselfcannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
_____________________________
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
_____________________________
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
______________________________
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
_____________________________
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in1827 and later died for this.
____________________________
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
_____________________________
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
_____________________________
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
_____________________________
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
_____________________________
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess .
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake. The average person can't.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The good, the bad and the ugly.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> > > On a clear day
>
> > > I shall seek and find you . . .
> > >
> > > I shall take you to bed and control you . . .
> > >
> > > I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you grunt and groan . . .
> > >
> > > I will make you beg for mercy . . .
> > >
> > > I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave .
> > >
> > > And you will be weak for days . . .
> > >
> > > All my love . . .
> > >
> > >
> > > The Flu
>
>
>
Thanks Jenny!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up, grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."
Thanks to Tony for colourful little joke!!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Oh Poor Mr. Gates
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world
and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. so I'm going to do something I've never done before.
In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
So first, Bill went to visit Hell. It was a beautiful, clean sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment.
"This is awful. This is not at all what I expected.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would make love to him.
The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie,
"I can tell you how you can get that nun to make love to you."
The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every
Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God.
"If you went dressed in a robe and a glow in the dark paint mask
she would think you are God and you could command her to make love to you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery
and waits for the nun to show up.
At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying
the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD!
I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must make love to me."
The nun agrees but and asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.
The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts,
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
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Makes You Think
01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
03. If a word is mis-spelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
06. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
07. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
08. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
09. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, FEMALE FRIENDS, NIECES, DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW, FUTURE DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW
>
>1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
>
>2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
>
>3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
>
>4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
>
>5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
>
>6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
>
>7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
>
>8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
>
>9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
>
>10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
>
>11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
>
>12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
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>13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
>
>14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes.It means that you laugh at his.
>
>15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
>
>Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!!!!! And a couple of men to really make their day!!!!!!
>
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HOW TO SCARE YOUR ROOM MATE [students take note!!]
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, hide the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate
beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Caught Sleeping at Your Chair ?
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"
"I was testing the notebook for drool resistance"
"Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last seminar you made me attend.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve school- related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broke...."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, butt-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
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1. As a man was leaving Minnesota for Colorado, he decides to make a stop at a rest area on the side of the road. He goes in the washroom and sees that the first stall is taken so he goes into the second stall. Just as he sits down he hears a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
While not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road the man didn't know what to say. He pauses a minute and finally says:
"Not bad..."
Then the voice says:
"So, what are you doing?"
He starts to find this a bit weird, but responds anyway:
"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."
Then the man hears the person in the first stall say all flustered:
"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
3. An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
4. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
5. Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
2. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking... lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We dont have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"
`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```````````~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
that's all... hope it's enough.....