Take your time. If you want more, email me (vampirette2734@yahoo.com) or check out my joke blog (http://jokeavenue.blogspot.com/).
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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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5 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Never Mess With Women:
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seventeen years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or
anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore,
whatever the case is, I 'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Response:
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seventeen years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you g ot a hair cut last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the
price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... and your
silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. >
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.
Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away.
I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother.
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods.
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A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money.
So I did."
Are women good or what?!
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One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
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A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
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Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.. and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. D Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme .
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.