Tell me a funny joke.?

Question

The funniest joke gets best answer.

Answer 1

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.



The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.



He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".



Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!



The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.



Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.



When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"



The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p*nis is under your pillow!"

Answer 2

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.





After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.



Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.



Kill Her!"



The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."



The second man was given the same instructions.



He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."



The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."



Finally, it was the woman's turn.



She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.



After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.



"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Answer 3

One day a man was driving along a long strech of farms and field when his car broke down. Luckly it was close to a barn. So he went to the barn and found a farmer. the farmer said that he could stay while he fixed the guys car. he showed the man a room to stay in but he said "dont put you penis in any of the three holes over there" pointing over to the wall. well the first night he got up in the middle of the night and was curious why the farmer said not to put his penis in the hole. so he put it in the first hole. He exlacaimed "Wow This Feels Good." the next morning he woke up and had a glass of milk and then helped the farmer out doing things. the next night he woke up in the middle of the night again and then he put his penis in the 2nd hole. he exclaimed "wow this is even better". in the morning he woke up and had a glass of milk and went to help the farmer work. that night again he woke up and put his penis in the third hole. he exclaimed "Wow this is the best yet." next morning he woke up and had a glass of milk. by that point his car was fixed. when he was about to leave he asked the farmer what was behind those three holes. "well" said the farmer with a grin on his face "the first one is my youngest daughter. the second one is my eldest daughter and the 3rd was the milk machine."

Answer 4

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest

> of

me life, between the legs of me wife!"

> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best

> toast

of the night"

> She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

> beside me wife."

> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

>

> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

> street

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You

> know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Answer 5

4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. Then the fourth High school dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...---



Highschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!



Highschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.



Highschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.



---The fourth Highschool Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.---



Highschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.



Highschool Dude 1: What a shame.



Highschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends

Answer 6

Guy walks in a bar and tells the Bartender I'll take 10 shots of Wiskey. The Bartendar pauses and say's

" whatch celebrating" the guy says my first ********.

The Bartendar smiles and said congradulations. Here is one on the house. The guys says thanks man but I think 10 will gets the taste down..........



LOL

Answer 7

Why did the person ask for lame jokes?



Because they suck!



(This is an answer to another person's post...too lazy to think of anything else!)

Answer 8

This is on my post, so please answer.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/?qid=1006032709327&pa=BYhiWzO4UjQGDB3pV5iBiRUjGfY-



A man in Mississippi is found shot 5 times in the chest with a rifle (NOTE: a rifle has to be reloaded every TWO shots). The DA (District Attorney) and the local sheriff said this was a open and shut case.



Suicide.

Answer 9

1



Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.



Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."



Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.



"How long will this take?" she asks.



"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.



The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"



"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"



He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..





2



Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road

They pass each other

Woman yells out her window, "PIG!"

Man yells out his window, "*********!"

Man rounds next curve

Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.



Thought For The Day : If only men would listen.





3



The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's

house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her

daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.



"What are you doing?" she asked.



"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

daughter-in-law

answered.



"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.



"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.



"Love dress? But you're naked!"



"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it

makes me

happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home

from

work any minute."



The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the

way

home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,

showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally

her

husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.



"What are you doing?" he asked.



"This is my love dress" she replied.



"Needs ironing." he said.



HEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING

Answer 10

A penguin, rabbi and a priest walk into a bar.

The bartender asks"What is this, some kind of joke?"

Answer 11

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. So the bartender makes him a drink and says, "That'll be $3.50." The duck says "Just put it on my bill."

Answer 12

its a yo mamma joke. yo mamma so fat she sat on top of the rainbow and poped out scittles.

Answer 13

monica lewinsky had gotten that blue outfit of hers dirty and she took it to the cleaners after she returned to pick it up, the attendant asked, "come again?" lewinsky replied, "no foodstain this time."

Answer 14

did you hear about the cannibal that was walking through the forest and passed his friend?

Answer 15

what do buggers and broccoli not have in common?







kids will eat buggers =p

Answer 16

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...



The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...



Sex Therapy Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring. The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

Also try www.jokes.com or www.AskMen.com they also have a variety of jokes.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Your Rating:

The florida style therapy really made me smile for a long while... and taking into consideration the situation i'm in.. its a great deal.



Thanks.. here are the 10 points and blessings of a broken heart...



View comments (0) Email QuestionCommunity Rating: 0% 0%

Email QuestionComments



[ Currently no comments. ]



Check Spelling Add a comment



Please limit to 300 characters.

Other Answers



SexiBK

1 day ago



Report Abuse

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Just laugh anything is funny if u look at it in a weird way!





chelle

1 day ago



Report Abuse

You just gave me 2 points! Ha ha





god is an aw...

1 day ago



Report Abuse

here is the answer: Your MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





elmo_loves_u89

1 day ago



Report Abuse

just say pudding, i have know idea why that makes me laugh.

Source(s):

me and my friends





slicktrick91

1 day ago



Report Abuse

What do you call a fish who doesn't like to share?



shellfish









' What is the opposite of left?'

right?

WRONG!!!





knock knock

whose there

ach

ach who?

bless you







muhauahauahauhauahahuauhauhaau... enjoy





Nishant

1 day ago



Report Abuse

How do ya make an ugly baby?

.

.

.

Ask ya mum !

Source(s):

www.supernishu.com





vikakitty

1 day ago



Report Abuse

Q:What do chickens do when they see a sad moment at a movie?



A:Thay wipe bugers on the chicken beside it!



:Dhaha LOOK I JUST WIPED A BUGER AT YOU HAHA





andyingreece

1 day ago



Report Abuse

What do you call a fish with no eyes? - A fsh.





washburn_exp...

1 day ago



Report Abuse

LOOK AT UR FACE IN THE MIRROR ************LOL****





condon_ronan

1 day ago



Report Abuse

bird flu has just come to the UK it is killing old and rough birds are you OK ?





dj27

1 day ago



Report Abuse

College Grads



A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"



A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"



A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"



A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"





bingodogsmudge

1 day ago



Report Abuse

true story,i was in hospital recently and doctor put me on a fast nil by mouth, but a nurse i know agreed to give me a cup of tea,but i count take it orally,so she said i can funnel it through your back passage,i said please go ahead,so she started pouring hot tea up my ***,and then i let out a big yell,she said is it to hot,i said no you silly cow you forgot to put the suger in.





trailmix202

1 day ago



Report Abuse

There were 3 blond girls and they just robbed a bank. They hid in a pataoe factory and there were 3 bags the girls each hid behind 1. The police went into the patatoe factory and kicked the first bacg and she said,"Meow!" he said," Its just cats". So he moves to the next bag and kicks it and she says," Woof!" he goes," just dogs." so he kicks the last bag and the girl says," Patatoes!") There were 2 strawberries and they were in rush hour and 1 strawberry says to the other," If it werent for you i wouldnt be in this jam!")





Katie15

1 day ago



Report Abuse

Okay, so two men are walking down the same street. One coming from the right, the other from the left. The man coming from the right is dragging his right leg, the man coming from the left is dragging his left leg. The two men meet up and the man dragging his right leg says,"World War 2, gun shot." and he points to his leg. The man coming from the left says,"dog sh*t, 50 yards back!"

LOL!!

Well, I thought it was funny.





KING NOVACAIN

1 day ago



Report Abuse

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.



He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"







------------------------------...

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."



He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"



Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread, Father."







------------------------------...

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."



His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."



To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Source(s):

rock103.com





secret

1 day ago



Report Abuse

heres a few your butts so big when u sit down ur 3 ft taller, ur teeth r so yellow when u smile traffic slows down, your teeth r so yellow i cant belive its not butter, ur so stupid u thought a quartetr bak wuz a fefund,you stuck a quarter in a parking meter and said weres my gumball,ur like a squirrl always got nuts on ya.





houstonrocke...

1 day ago



Report Abuse

There are 3 guys trapped in the middle of the desert. They suddenly found a lamp with a genie inside it.The genie tells them that he will grant them each one wish. The first guy says he wants a bowl with unlimited rice so he will never be hungry. The second guy says he wants a cup that has unlimited water so he will never be thirsty. The third guy tells the genie he wants a car door so he can reel down the window whenever he is hot! Hahaha!





hipps90

23 hours ago



Report Abuse

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."



The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?



He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"



The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."





lostmyslipper24

23 hours ago



Report Abuse

Have you heard the joke about the sun?

Oh, well, it's way above your head. Lol, did I make you laugh? hope so. Have a nice day!



PS

thank for the 2

points!

Source(s):

Me!





Uncle John

23 hours ago



Report Abuse

A man was walking on a military base, having just gotten back from a long vacation. It was late October, and he felt

as if he was at the wrong base. He saw something, looked like a huge bird. He decided to be friendly and go up to the figure. He said, Where did you just fly in from?





marie

23 hours ago



Report Abuse

What do you call a snail on a ship?



A snailor





azngodbeliever

20 hours ago

Mar 26, 2006 at 4:45 pm



(modified)



Report Abuse

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he

would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's

side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like

claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way

down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so

hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the

laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.



When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the

Ring Bear."



more jokes at: http://www.jokepier.com/



and if you don't think that is funny then look in their mirror, you should have a large pimple on your face. or just say: I am the stupid one

Answer 17

:)