some good jokes please. i need a laugh?

Question

some good jokes please. i need a laugh?

Answer 1

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

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Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

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The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

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Sex Therapy Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

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Red Ribbon Blue Ribbon

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring. The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."

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Also try www.jokes.com or www.AskMen.com they also have a variety of jokes.

Answer 2

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he

would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's

side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like

claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way

down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so

hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the

laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.



When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the

Ring Bear."



more jokes at: http://www.jokepier.com/



and if you don't think that is funny then look in their mirror, you should have a large pimple on your face. or just say: I am the stupid one

Answer 3

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."



The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?



He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"



The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

Answer 4

There are 3 guys trapped in the middle of the desert. They suddenly found a lamp with a genie inside it.The genie tells them that he will grant them each one wish. The first guy says he wants a bowl with unlimited rice so he will never be hungry. The second guy says he wants a cup that has unlimited water so he will never be thirsty. The third guy tells the genie he wants a car door so he can reel down the window whenever he is hot! Hahaha!

Answer 5

A man was walking on a military base, having just gotten back from a long vacation. It was late October, and he felt

as if he was at the wrong base. He saw something, looked like a huge bird. He decided to be friendly and go up to the figure. He said, Where did you just fly in from?

Answer 6

Have you heard the joke about the sun?

Oh, well, it's way above your head. Lol, did I make you laugh? hope so. Have a nice day!



PS

thank for the 2

points!

Answer 7

There were 3 blond girls and they just robbed a bank. They hid in a pataoe factory and there were 3 bags the girls each hid behind 1. The police went into the patatoe factory and kicked the first bacg and she said,"Meow!" he said," Its just cats". So he moves to the next bag and kicks it and she says," Woof!" he goes," just dogs." so he kicks the last bag and the girl says," Patatoes!") There were 2 strawberries and they were in rush hour and 1 strawberry says to the other," If it werent for you i wouldnt be in this jam!")

Answer 8

Okay, so two men are walking down the same street. One coming from the right, the other from the left. The man coming from the right is dragging his right leg, the man coming from the left is dragging his left leg. The two men meet up and the man dragging his right leg says,"World War 2, gun shot." and he points to his leg. The man coming from the left says,"dog sh*t, 50 yards back!"

LOL!!

Well, I thought it was funny.

Answer 9

heres a few your butts so big when u sit down ur 3 ft taller, ur teeth r so yellow when u smile traffic slows down, your teeth r so yellow i cant belive its not butter, ur so stupid u thought a quartetr bak wuz a fefund,you stuck a quarter in a parking meter and said weres my gumball,ur like a squirrl always got nuts on ya.

Answer 10

What do you call a fish who doesn't like to share?



shellfish









' What is the opposite of left?'

right?

WRONG!!!





knock knock

whose there

ach

ach who?

bless you







muhauahauahauhauahahuauhauhaauhah enjoy

Answer 11

College Grads



A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"



A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"



A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"



A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Answer 12

true story,i was in hospital recently and doctor put me on a fast nil by mouth, but a nurse i know agreed to give me a cup of tea,but i count take it orally,so she said i can funnel it through your back passage,i said please go ahead,so she started pouring hot tea up my ***,and then i let out a big yell,she said is it to hot,i said no you silly cow you forgot to put the suger in.

Answer 13

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.



He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"







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Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."



He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"



Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread, Father."







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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."



His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."



To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Answer 14

Q:What do chickens do when they see a sad moment at a movie?



A:Thay wipe bugers on the chicken beside it!



:Dhaha LOOK I JUST WIPED A BUGER AT YOU HAHA

Answer 15

You just gave me 2 points! Ha ha

Answer 16

What do you call a snail on a ship?



A snailor

Answer 17

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Just laugh anything is funny if u look at it in a weird way!

Answer 18

What do you call a fish with no eyes? - A fsh.

Answer 19

How do ya make an ugly baby?

.

.

.

Ask ya mum !

Answer 20

bird flu has just come to the UK it is killing old and rough birds are you OK ?

Answer 21

just say pudding, i have know idea why that makes me laugh.

Answer 22

LOOK AT UR FACE IN THE MIRROR ************LOL****

Answer 23

here is the answer: Your MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!