Question:
I need some really funny jokes?
ziTinkerbell
2011-04-04 19:18:33 UTC
I'm kinda bored its a free 10pts whoever makes me lol the most but u guys won't be able to hear it but has to be really good
Thirteen answers:
Nigel8ball
2011-04-08 07:48:43 UTC
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers: “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again: “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers: “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies. “I’m Father O’Malley.”



The 12-year-old Wizard

This 12-year old kid got a chemistry set for his birthday. He’s out in the back yard mixing up formulas and solutions when he hits upon this liquid that when he puts one little drop on a worm it gets stiff and hard just like a nail. He’s out in the yard hammering worms back into the ground.

His dad sees this and goes outside. “Son, what are you doing?”

“Dad, look. I invented this solution that when I put just one drop on a worm it gets stiff and hard like a nail.”

Dad says, “Son, give me some of that and if it does what I think it’ll do, I’ll buy you a new Thunderbird.”

The next day the kid wakes up, looks out the bedroom window and sees right there in the driveway a brand new Cadillac Coupe Deville.

He runs to his dad and says, “Dad, you said you would buy me a new Thunderbird.”

Dad says, “I did buy you a new Thunderbird, it’s in the garage, the Coupe Deville is from your mother.”



What’s a Post Turtle?

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle.”

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, “What’s a “Post Turtle?”

The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he sure as heck ain’t goin’ anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb *** put him up there in the first place.”



Hope you got a giggle from these.

Have a great weekend.





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?
2011-04-04 21:42:24 UTC
READ THEM THEY'RE WORTH IT I PROMISE!!!!!

1. There are 3 men in the forest. They are trying to get somewhere (campsite, etc.) and they come to a river that they have to cross. The 1st man says "god please give me the strength to cross this river" poof the guy becomes really strong and swims across and he almost drowns like two times but he makes it a cross very tired. So the 2nd man says "oh I don't want to do that"so he says "god, please give me the strength and the TOOLS to cross this river" so poof the guy gets a boat and becomes really strong so he can row across and he almost drowns like twice but he makes it. the third guy thinks "oh I don't want that" so he says "god, please give me the strength, the tools, and the (knowledge or wisdom whatever you like better after hearing the joke)" so poof god turns him into a woman she consults a map walks a hundred yards and crosses a bridge.

2. There are three men: a priest, a rabi, and a bishop (actually suppost to be another priest from another religion to make it racist just can't think of one right now) talking about how much money from their fundraiser they should keep and how much should go to charity. So the priest says "ok we should draw a circle on the ground throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle we give to charity and whatever outside we keep" the bishop (or whoever) says "no we should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside we keep and outside we give to charity" but the rabi says "no no no we should draw a circle on the ground throw the money in the air and whatever god wants, he keeps"

3. There's this guy who drives across the country to CA to promote his business plan but his officials don't like it so he's driving back and he's all angry and his car breaks down a block away from a Buddhist temple so he knocks on the door and asks if he could use the phone to call a tow truck and the monk says well we don't use phones here but we have a monk who used to be a mechanic who could fix your car and you could stay overnight we'll give you dinner and breakfast so the guy's like ok. After they give him dinner they lock the door and he figures it's tradition and at like 3 in the morning he hears the most beautiful music he's ever heard and when the monk comes in in the morning he asks about the music and he says i can't tell you you're not a monk so he's like what do i have to do to become a monk and the monk says for 1 year eat only bread drink only water and pray 3 times a day so the guys says i don't have time for that thanks him and leaves. Next year same thing happens (tell story say like same buddhist temple guy was wondering if mechanic could fix his car, etc.) then he hears music and says to monk can u please tell me the music and he says no you're not a monk. so he decides to become a monk does things he has to do for one year. then asks monks now wheres the music they point to wood door and there's a hundred steps he runs all the way up and theres a solid bronze door he pushes really hard and there's 200 steps and he gets to the top and theres a jewel encrusted gold door he opens it and there's the music it's so great ask person "you want to know what it is" they'll say yeah (hopefully) and you say "I can't tell you you're not a monk"

*They've always gotten lots a laughs.
HAHHAHAHA
2011-04-06 01:49:40 UTC
OH!! I have tons of funny jokes xD...



Joke #1:

Boy: Miss are you ABCDEFGHIJK?

Girl: ummmmm (confused) No i don't think so.. what is it?

Boy: A= adorable

B= Beautiful

C= Caring

D= Daring

E= Elegant

F= Friendly

G= Gorgeous

H= Honest

I= Intelegent

Miss: aaawwwwwww ^_^ how bout the last two letters?? J and K?

Boy: J=Just

K=Kidding

HAHAHAHA



Joke#2:

Knock Knock!

Who's there

Hey Busy

Hey Busy who?

Hey Busy C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z



Joke#3:

A drunken man saw a fat lady with a dog...

Drunken Man: HEY!! where did you get that pig huh?

Lady: This is a dog! not a pig.

Drunken Man: HUH! shut up, im not talking to you!! Im

talking to the dog!



Joke#4:

Dad: Oh! why are you crying?

Daughter: because i past the test, dad!

Dad: VERY GOOD!! what test is it?

Daughter: pregancy test dad

DAD: WHAAATTTT -_-



JOKE#5:

2 drunken man having a "BRAVE" contest..

Drunken #1 left and went back with some blood in his t-shirt

Drunken#2: Oh bro! what happened to you?

Drunken#1: *giggles* Can you see that car over there? I beat and

punched the driver!!!

Drunken#2 left and went back and t-shirt covered with blood

Drunken#1: whoah!! COOL MAN!! what happened??

Drunken#2: Can you see that bus over there?

Drunken#1: YEAH! I can see it

Drunken#2:Well, I didn't -_-



Joke #6:

Bf: I hate to tell you this, but our wedding is not gonna happen anymore!

Gf: why oh why?

Bf: It's because of your brother!!

Gf: Why? my brother likes you.

Bf: Exactly....and i like him too *blushing*



Joke#7:

Genie: MWAHAHAHA! hello my name is genie and i'm giving you 3 wishes..

Me: Yay!! my first wish is that i receive more wishes!!

Genie: Sorry you can't do that. It's against the rules...

Me: Fine!! then my first wish is MORE GENIES!!!

Genie: oh FUDGE! -_-



Joke #8:

Teacher: Excuse me are you done?

Juan: No im Juan...

Teacher: No, what i mean is are you finish?

Juan : No im a Filipino.

Teacher: what im asking is are you through?

Juan: [went out angry and shouting] what do u think of me false?



Joke#9:

In an Art shop...

Guy: Is this ugly thing an Art?? you've got to be kidding me! eewww it looks so bad that i wanna vomit!!! >_<

Shop Owner: Excuse me... No sir... that's a mirror.



Joke#10:

Guy#1: My wife is so fat that she decided to do a sport.

Guy#2:Nice!! what sport?

Guy#1: Horse Back Riding

Guy#2: So what's the result?

Guy#1: she didn't lose alot of weight..... but the horse did -_-



joke#11:

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

River boat

Riverboat who?

Riverboat young when I first saw you, I closed my eyes and a flashback starts.... etc

:D that's all :) sorry for my bad english lol



:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
?
2016-10-04 05:25:10 UTC
Why is it a bad thought to play UNO with mexicans? through fact they're going to continually thieve your green-playing cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a vehicle. who's driving? A cop what's the adaptation between a blackman and a bench? A bench can help a family contributors of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic team? through fact each physique which could run, bounce and swim is already here.
2011-04-06 13:46:27 UTC
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.



This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.



The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"



Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"



Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.



"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.



When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"



The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
?
2016-05-01 06:56:17 UTC
There were so many woodworking plans with this collection and you will not believe this but there are over thousands plans in the one package deal. Go here https://tr.im/yCYTz

This is really something to find that many all together. For someone like me who is just really starting to get involved with woodworking this was like letting me loose in a candy store and telling me I could have anything I wanted. That was my dream when I was a kid.
?
2011-04-04 21:24:37 UTC
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.



“Mother, where do babies come from?”



The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”



The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.



“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”



“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
big_old_tom
2011-04-04 19:32:59 UTC
A little boy is in school. He has to use the bathroom, and asks his teacher if he can go. She says he can, but first he has to use the word definitely in a sentence before he can go. The boy says ok, then says "Are farts solid?". His teacher says "No". The little boy then says "Then i definitely s*** my pants."



There ya go. My one joke.
2011-04-06 23:42:22 UTC
These jokes make me laugh so much hope they do to to you :D

Jokes come from other users who posted hilarious jokes on Yahoo! Answers



While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.

Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.

A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back...?"





Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'

The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'





After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."





Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.

"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"

The first man runs away.

They hear the voice again.

"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"

The second man runs away.

The voice comes once more.

"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"

The last man bravely walks on.

And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.





A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.

"Hey, hows it going?"

Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."

A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.

"What are you up to?"

Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"

He heard the voice again.

"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise a.ss in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!





Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.

One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.

When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.

"Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.

What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.

The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.

Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.

"Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"

"But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"



A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .

The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :

When I born, I black.

When I grow up, I black.

When I go in sun, I black.

When I cold, I black.

When I scared, I black.

When I sick, I black.

And when I die, I still black.



You white folks

When you born, you pink.

When you grow up, you white.

When you go in sun, you red.

When you cold, you blue.

When you scared, you yellow.

When you sick, you green.

When you bruised, you purple.

And when you die, you gray.



There was a red man and a green man the red man invites the green man over to dinner while cooking dinner the red man goes to freshen up a bit in the shower but the green man comes early while the red man was in the shower he heard the door so put a towel around him and answered it but as he opened it a big gust of wind came and blew the towel away... the green man ran across the road and got hit by a bus. The moral of the story is don't cross the road when the red man is flashing!

Source(s):

Users on Yahoo! Answers that posted jokes. These are jokes that I have personally liked.
2011-04-04 19:58:19 UTC
What do you get when you lose your virginity to a guy with diarrhea?



Gonorrhea!















Get it? Cuz your virginity is gone, and you catch a disease, Gone-orrhea!? :D
?
2011-04-04 19:21:49 UTC
Just look up Charlie Sheen if you want to laugh :)
I Know, I'm Awesome
2011-04-04 19:21:10 UTC
How are women and tornadoes the same?



They both moan like hell when they come and take your house when you leave.



Enjoy :)
2011-04-04 19:59:16 UTC
George Bush.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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