A young man goes into a
pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
"Hello, could you give me a condom.
My girlfriend has invited me for dinner
and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom;
and as the young man is going out,
he returns and tells him: "Give me a
another condom because my girlfriend's sister
very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner
when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom;
and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says:
"After all, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and
when she sees me she always makes allusions...
and since she invited me for dinner,
I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers
his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord,
bless this dinner...thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..."
Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear:
"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"
****************************
The Eel ****
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow... it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared... her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"
By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold
==============================...
Something Exciting ****
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
==============================...
Nude Runner ****
This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nude answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
The nude answered, "Only if it's raining."
==============================...
The Dead Frog *****
One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."
Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
=====================
Replace all female flight attendants with some
good-looking'
strippers! Why not? The attendants have gotten old and
haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore,
so what's the
loss?
The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol
consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the
cabin. And, of
course, every heterosexual businessman in this country
would start
flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and
the airline
industry would see record revenues.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to
do everything
myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
==============================
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep
Noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
The house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian ".
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
"Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie; I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains
That if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom. "
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
===========================
The Ideal Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... ; and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... ; it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
==============================...
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat
down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done
that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all
alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so
"spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me,
young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April
Fools!"! And that's when I shot him, the little
bastard.
============================
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor".
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer downtown that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And, it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ...with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And, if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better........
===========================
On the outskirts of a small town,
there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard
voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough,
he heard,
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met
an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick,"
said the boy,
"you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls."
The man said,
"Beat it kid,
can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered,
"Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped
the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they
tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me.
That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made
it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the kid on the bike.
==============================...
Damn Cat: You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
=========================
One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied,
"Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" .
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" .
"Oh yes you can. Please?" ............
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....
' ' TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE INTERCOM ! !
========================
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a *****!”
==================
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"