JOKES
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.
How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a ***** Nelson concert.
What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.
What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.
How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.
What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the
other is used to carry groceries.
Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food
chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid
people are still buying it!
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous,"
said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of
roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."
JOKES
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According
to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living
here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes
and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he
won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers
everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us
what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land
had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a
little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about
how hard it was to get by in this day and age.
Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't
know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we
couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle
light."
So O.J.'s in court the other day, and he's getting kind of cold. He can't
take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito, "Judge, it's
freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?"
Ito replies, "Mr. Simpson, this is my courtroom and I'll keep it any
temperature I like."
So O.J. says, "Well, okay, but can I have my hat and gloves back?"
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next
door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty
habits.
What does an accountant do for birth control?
He talks about his business.
How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong
way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't
understand.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ***?
Mechanic.
Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's
office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any
help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked
Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
Q: How many Anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.
Q: How many Blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around
her.
Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb
last rites.
Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has
burnt out.
Q: How many Computer nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, one to design the step-by-step program, and one to
design the web page about doing it.
Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many Doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many Economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not
represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.
Q: How many Folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to change the bulb, and three to sing about how good the old
one was.
Q: How many Goths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They sit in the dark.
Q: How many Gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then
they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt
because they can't see.
Q: How many Hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be very small.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.
Q: How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell
it before it crashes.
Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What? And wreck my nails?
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Q: How many Mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Mimes only pretend to change the bulb.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does it need changing?
Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to
change.
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many Quantum Mechanicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new
bulb.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many Schizophreniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of us
Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".
Q: How many surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the room.
JOKES
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of
loot.
Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like,
submarines, man.
Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright Jokes:
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I
said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes
right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob
a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the
money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
leaving.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would
know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".I wrote
"Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With
Pail...Kitten On Fire.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like
I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman
on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my
calendar has no sevens on it."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign
below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the
boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that
when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to
be out that long..."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that
is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me
and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I
know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four."
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I
realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything
in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my
roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced
with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all
over the world.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she
got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch
it was to think about sandpaper.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.
I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't
hear him talk.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an
only child...eventually.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I
went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that
knowledge.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
JOKES
Little Johnny Jokes
"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher
said to her most mischievous child.
"Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?"
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about
things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked
his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up
with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have
so much hair?"
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best
friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much
better than yours."
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please
do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to
go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher
asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her
hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky,
because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the
teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And
where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered
"God lives in each of our hearts!"
"That's VERY good," she smiled.
When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his
hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you
think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she
asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams
'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following
day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks,
"Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by
the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just
downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a
way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them
back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought
out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then,
making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds
and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as
possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and
asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of
the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What
is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could
be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to
the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on
the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out
what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked
him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she
missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door
shot himself."
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and
saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was
noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could
vulgarize the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, "My sister has a
sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten 8."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny
was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that
the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got
closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's
testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you
have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that
rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Johnny!!" the farmer
yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the
wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Johnny answered, "But I don't think daddy
would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But daddy won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know daddy is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is
he?"
"Under the wagon."
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He
noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely,
goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for
God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the
time."
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister
right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the
dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed
'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
More Steven Wright Quotes:
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
"I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble
breathing."
"I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked me how long I was
going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'"
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
"The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me
about some of the people who were here last year.'"
"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No
thanks--I'm not going that far.'"
"I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
complained."
JOKES
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes:
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,a bank
robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks,they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be,but
I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they
are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a
bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
"because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic
tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
Writing science labs is a simple task. You just have to list facts down and
a write conclusion based on your facts. Like this one: You have scalpel, and
a frog. Stab the frog with a scalpel. The conclusion: The frog is dead.
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
off?
9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
Medical Jokes:
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him
back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the
directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that
the baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful
and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a
cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist,
"what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you
in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done last
year. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't
walk for a year!"
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car
shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car,
the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor
removed the car, and the father and son left.
A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS
nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were
discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
"I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they die
of AIDS".
"I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and
it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".
"That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we
treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.
An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for
being President of the United States. After the teacher commented that a
person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.
"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be
President?"
Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the
chances?"
Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the
difference."
Did you hear about the optician who fell into a lense grinder and made a
spectacle of himself?
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to
retrieve my son's rat." **** Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of
San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an
attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son
left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As
usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my
motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a
string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck
a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had
happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot
out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It
also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent
out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken
nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks
JOKES
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his right arm off. Sam
wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The
surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back
in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got
done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to
the pub and saw John throwing darts with his right arm.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam
returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down
at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John,
kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam
put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the
surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve
hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry,
John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are toughest." The surgeon said,
"Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to
help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit
over there and I'll deal with you later."
Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet.
Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong...
"You've got a broken finger!"
A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"
He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was
one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know
existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've
changed my will three times in the last two months."
Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?
The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.
What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A dry doc.
How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
Saturday Night Fever.
Doctors bury their mistakes.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same
street?
They were arch enemies.
As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or
shortness of cash?"
My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a
little buggy.
When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know the end is
in sight.
Pathologists know how to cut loose.
If an operation to remove the appendix is an appendectomy, what is the name
of the procedure that transforms a woman into a man?
An add-a-****-to-me.
What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tails.
Why did the proctologist use two fingers?
In case the patient wanted a second opinion.
Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
Legal Jokes:
All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still
at large. The police are having a time figuring it out, and they have
nothing to go on.
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police
are looking into it.
A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday. Police are combing the area for
clues.
How does the LAPD play poker?
Four clubs beat a king.
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see
you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police,
but they wouldn't listen."
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed
photo -- of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the
driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only
trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me."
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged,
whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of
the law.
A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said:
I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements
for my release from jail.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said,
"What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him
over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up
beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
After they had finished making love, the cowboy was telling the lady who'd
picked him up about his days on the range. "It's the only life for me. In
fact, I wanna die with my boots on."
As they both heard a car pull in the driveway, she said, "Well...you better
get 'em on Slick, that's the Sheriff, my husband."
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The
officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the
road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".
The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile
back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What
would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a
bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter
one iota."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No ****!?! What law firm do you work
for?"
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell
the truth?"
The father thought for a moment. "Yes son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer
will do anything to win a case."
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed
over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing.
I'll take either side."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin
crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada
Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.
More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they
would release one lawyer every hour.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the
streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd
gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but
he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting
loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little
girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise
ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school
classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.
She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello,
Angela. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whispered Angela. "But don't tell my mother. She still
thinks I'm a prostitute."
A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden
the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then
asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them lawyers lie."
A doctor and a lawyer in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night.
The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the lawyer offered
the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a
shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows.
As the lawyer started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked,
"Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?"
"Of course I am," replied the lawyer, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery!
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that
they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... I saw a lawyer with
his hands in his own pockets!
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
What's the definition of a tragedy?
A busload of lawyers crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and
covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves,
the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx
Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the
keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally
he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their language!"
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
lawyer.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when
we broke in!"
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his
Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he
cried, "My god I'm melting!"
The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
It seems that people were confused as to which side to spit on.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
JOKES
Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan
rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and
bleeding. "Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"
"How the hell should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate
conversation with a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I
have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous
woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are
you to question that woman's punishment?"
Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior
modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the
first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now
using lawyers".
"Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?"
"Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get
attached to rats."
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ***.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them
jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I
forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good news, and I
have some bad news."
The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"
"You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance."
"Great! Now what's the bad news?"
"Well, uh..she's marrying your father."
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish.
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q of 40?
Your Honor.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think He's a lawyer.
What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, "Lawyers are
ASSHOLES!"
A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him "I take
exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!"
The first guy said "Are you a Lawyer?"
The man responded "No, I'm an *******!"
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the
tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce,
Malpractice."
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry. I
can't believe a mistake like this has been made on your wife's tombstone!"
Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the
phone number!"
A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked him what his rates were. "$50
for three questions," the lawyer replied.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied. "And what is your third question?"
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'until you're dead to rip your heart out.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have
a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
A: The bucket.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ***.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Political Jokes:
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them
jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that
controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
He said, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the
body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But
if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill,
the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort
little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will
not compromise."
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of
being "lifeless as a statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of
America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have
a pigeon on your head."
The Clinton's are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It ain't
workin', Hillary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his chicks for
free!
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed
on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been
covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
Saddam Hussein is wondering why the United Nations won't approve a
"no-open-fly zone" around the Oval Office.
They're going to put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore. Bill Clinton's.
President Clinton said Monday he is "looking forward" to being the husband
of a senator. The way he figures it, he can finally do to a Senator what
they did to him.
NY Democrats are handing out bumper stickers saying "Run, Hillary, Run!" NY
Republicans are putting them on their FRONT bumpers.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
What do Bill Clinton and the Pharaoh's daughter who discovered baby Moses
have in common?
They both washed themselves in de Nile.
Three new bonds are being issued:
Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
Gore bond: Has no interest
Clinton bond: Has no principle
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC
DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the
same DNA.
Sorry,
The FBI
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got
another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
Reagan, Bush, and Clinton all went on a cruise together. While the ship was
out in the sea, it hit an iceberg and started to sink. Quickly, Reagan
yelled out, "Women and children first!"
Bush then cried, "Screw the women!"
To which, Clinton responded, "Do you think we have time?"
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps off Air
Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says
to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got
this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
What is Bill's idea of safe sex?
A locked door.
What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
"Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
What is Clinton's best asset?
His lie-ability.
What fraternity did Clinton join at collage?
I Phelta Thi.
What is the sub title to the Starr Report?
The President has No Clothes.
Did you Hear that Clinton won an Oscar?
He won for the most dramatic score...
How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they are to busy screwing the President.
Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.
How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
No class and no principals.
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because
he is so full of **** that he can't fly.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician?
Chelsea!
What's 12 inches long, 3 inches wide and hangs in front of an *******?
Bill Clintons' tie.
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His faces.
Clinton, Perot, and Dole were on air force one flying to Washington, when
Perot got up and threw a 100 dollar bill out the window. "I just made one
person happy."
Not to be out done Dole stood up and threw 2 50 dollar bills out. "I just
made two people happy."
To get in the act Clinton threw out 100 1 dollar bills. "I just made 100
people happy."
The pilot over hearing the whole situation said, "If you guys don't shut up,
I will throw all of you out and make 300 million people happy."
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer
at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he
was able to dodge it.
A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named "Hill."
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
'Cuz his female intern said, "I will!"
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire
walks up to the VIP section and says something.
Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall
onto the field.
The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, "Throw the first
PITCH!"
One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the
Oval Office.
He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room
in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"
"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those
mirrors out right away!"
Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, "I can't wait
to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica's panties off!"
The serviceman replies, "Aren't you a bit frisky sir?
Bill says, "Nah..they're just riding up my crack!"
Bathroom Jokes:
Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when
you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
Eur-o-pean.
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork
in his ***. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ***?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing
out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No ****."
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets
to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a
bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please
stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it
headed?"
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady.
A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big
noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her. "Do
you by any chance have todays paper?"
The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree
I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were
running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the
other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell
asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"
What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.
What's dumber than that?
Reading them.
Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly
the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and
says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm
sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked
inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy
said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?"
The Indian replied, "Many moons."
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to
the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ***."
Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some
toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."
Redneck Jokes:
I was traveling through south Georgia yesterday and noticed a lot of signs
saying "pecans ahead." Wouldn't "restrooms ahead" be more appropriate?
What do rednecks call ductape?
Chrome.
An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks,
firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs,
will produce all the great works of literature - in Braille.
I just received Alabama's new state quarter. It is two dimes and a nickel
taped together.
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the
scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal
and a recipe.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in
trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
What do a divorce in Tennessee, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in
Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Why do folks from Tennessee go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.
What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseeians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Why did O.J. Simpson want to move the Tennessee?
Everyone there has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Tennessee burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
A new law was recently passed in Tennessee. When a couple gets a divorce
they're still brother and sister.
You know right away the band Barenaked Ladies is from Canada because if they
were from Georgia, they would be called Bucknaked Women.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia
to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins
shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray
picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Two good ole boys, Billy Bob and Joe Bob were hunting one a sunny day. Now
Joe Bob was not the brightest person in the world. They came up on a pretty
young girl sunbathing in the nude.
Billy Bob jumped up and said, "Boy, she looks good enough to eat."
So, Joe Bob shot her.
Two Tennesseeians are walking down different ends of a street toward each
other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray,
whatcha got in the bag?"
"Just some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"Heck, I'll give you both of them!"
"Okay. Five?"
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that
she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over
to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
JOKES
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on
a plane.
The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll
from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a
preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So,
where ya'll from, *****?"
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the
toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know
and acknowledge the originating location.
After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their
conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush
was invented in West Virginia.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how
they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it
was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
A Tennesseeian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on
fire!"
"Okay" replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"
Religious Jokes:
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and
twenties.
If absense makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah--he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Ruth-less.
Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar--he was on grass for seven years.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson--he brought the house down.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel,
and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were really put out.
What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked
out?
They really raised Cain.
The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light
in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
They used floodlights.
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
David--he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
The thought had never entered his head before.
What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.
What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.
Which bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.
Why didn't Noah go fishing?
He only had two worms!
How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.
What did Jesus do when he walked into the Holiday Inn?"
He threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the
night?"
Jimmy Swaggart is coming out with a new men's magazine, but he can't decide
whether to call it 'Prayboy' or 'Repenthouse'.
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle
of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big
spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many
ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out
a sample of it."
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written
letters and forgot to sign their name. But this week I received a letter
from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school
teacher. All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Cassie.
"I'm sorry, I can't. My Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday
school."
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the
passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned
to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend,
you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the
street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.
Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the
hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did
and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service
began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home.
His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth
minister.
The little boy answered, "It's all a racket! They get you there and let you
make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you
relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services!"
A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could
to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" at which moment she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, "Dear
Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
But don't SHOVE me."
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said
after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has
been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed
to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys
Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's
done too!"
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious
service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(..turn from your sin...)
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38s!"
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven. . ."
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
the money now, will he let us go?"
A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the
devil?"
"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my
daddy."
A six year old boy was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church
service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed
trash against us."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be
more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday
afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the
following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at
church today. Wish you could have been there."
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As
the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed
are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
Dear God,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't
gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm
probably going to need a LOT of help.
Amen.
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without
her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her
head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy
place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see that.... and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.
The preacher came to call on me the other day. He said that at my age I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time. No
matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen, or down in the
basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and
darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final
attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin' man, there's no paper in this
one either."
A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a
lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness
that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are
about to receive."
A cardinal ran into the Pope's office and said, "Your Holiness, Jesus just
rode into the Vatican on a donkey. What do we do?"
The Pope looked up from his work and replied, "Look busy."
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
IRS Jokes:
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or
what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It
says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent
son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."
A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let
him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but
got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most
elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and
requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied
the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your
navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the
IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He
showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records,
then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a
tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns
than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4
(lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I
understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you
to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "Do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have
everything."
THEY COME ON APRIL 15TH DEAR
(To the tune It Came Upon a Midnight Clear)
They come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.
Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
TAXPAYER'S LAMENT
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke (now ain't that the truth);
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas (again ain't that the truth)
Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges);
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all
crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They
were all shouting,"Give me your hand!" But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he
asked, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Joe, "Take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Joe's hand and was hauled to safety. Joe
turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to
*give* you anything, you fools!"
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he
demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US
Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had
come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear
to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
In order to simplify tax collections in the near future, the IRS will issue
a new easier to use tax form. They call it the 1040 Xtra EZ. After your
name, address, and Social Security number, it has only four lines on two
pages:
1040 Xtra EZ To Do Tax Form
US Government. Form Scru-u-R
Page I.
1. How much money did you make this year? $________
2. SEND IT IN. $________
Page II
1. Take out a loan for more.
2. Send it all to us. $________
HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS
(Without Getting In Trouble!)
Well, it's tax time again, boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't
already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here
are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...
1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down
the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes
have to take out any staples on the right side.
2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way.
Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your
staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before
you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the
extractor has to open it by hand.
4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three
party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the
dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how
small an amount, s/he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few
nasty forms.
5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read
and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the
back of a Kroger sack.
7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ
form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular
business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take
priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your
mess.
8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
your half destroyed form.
9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the
like have to be removed and put away.
10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified
and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS.
These methods are *only* recommended when you owe money.