in a anatomy class
there was a test
it was to cut cockroach
the test was to make conclusion on cockroach
one young man took of one leg of cockroach and said go
it began to run
he took another leg an said run and it began to run
angain he took the thirn leg and said run
it began to run
he took the 4th leg and said runbut it did not move
he wrote the conclusion
cockroaches become DEAF if the legs of it are removed
A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he
noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it
was leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the
mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to
look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin
what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.
He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream
would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in
the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his
ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time
he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a
total mess.
He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you
find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."
These are jokes that I have thought of myself. I thought of them first don't blame me if some pro comedian does steal the joke and makes the joke claim that he/she thought of them.
all new jokes go at the bottom, and links to many other hilarious jokes pages.
Boudicca (or boooodicca as she was know to Londiniumites) queen of the Iceni (you seen ni,! where?)
Whenever I leave a party, the room grows darker. And then everyone says turn the light back on.
Whenever I enter a room , the room brightens up, I turn the light switch on.
OK who forgot to turn the fridge light off. Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/
It is disgraceful my comedy series got taken off air, I will have you know my comedies on TV allways gets the most laughter, I know because I add in the canned laughter myself.
People talk about a bull in a China shop scaring them, I say I do not fear that situation, I fear a bull in a Chinese restraunt, thing of all the wonton destruction.
What does a scottish wear cow with a soar foot say. Och I du moooooooooooooooooo aaaaaaaa.
I am very religious man. I am a part time bishop, this means I can do whatever I like in my spare time. I am very religious I have stared moon lighting as an Iman.
Don't blame me for my church services says the the bishop, as I don't write the material.
Sometimes in my spare time I walk down the street with glasses with a label that says X-RAY glasses written above them, then to cheer people up I look at their cheast, or waist region and say ooooh these glasses were value for money. Being a bishop I can get away this sort of stuff.
Where does Count Dracula go when he dresses up as a woman. Traniesylvania.
I am a big fan of doctor who, sometimes it gets so scary I cal it doctor doo and the turdis.
Last year I did the London marathon. Ok I was tired and exausted, by the end of it all, I even did the marathon in costume. Mind you my sympathy goes out to the guy at the back. He only thought he was rehearsing for the pantomine.
Yesterday a policeman stopped us, and he told us to watch out as a fake police offcier was stopping people on the road, and asking people, top watch out,
Why do Americans allways wear a t-shirt. Because they have right to bear arms. Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/
Wayne Rooney has rocked his publishers after signing a 5 million pound book deal. He says it is not right to write a biograhy yet instead his first book will be the history of nineteenth century statesman.
Aberdeen manager Calderwood has been offerred a job by the Glazers. He says it will be a step up to replace Fergie at Man Utd. Correction: Calderwood has joined a double glazing company and has said it will be step up to join the firm from Aberdeen.
When I was at school, my english teacher allways used to insult my grammar, I said you never even met her.
The other day I opened a topless nightclub, I don't know what all the fuss was about. I hardly ever use table covers.
This moral majority stuff in Amercia is drivel most of them have spent the last 4 years bragging about how they more of dick and Bush. I allways thought they were talking about the president and the vice president, but when I asked them they said president who.
My town is a famous historical town it is a spa town. Well we have a spar shop.
What does an Italian facist have for breakfast. Mueslyini
You know driving in France in insane. All of those drivers drive on the wrong side of the road and beep their horn at me and swear at me. But that is just like back here in Britain.
I have an idea to climb to the top of mount everest and put a brick on the top. Then stand on the brick and declare I have climed the biggest mountain the planet. Mount Everest Brick. Then I will take the brick with me and sell the right for people to climb the tallest mountain in the planet Mount Everest Brick, when I get back down.
Did you hear they have found mercury is a cheap replacement for viagra. All you have to is take some mercury then stand near a hot oven. This also works as a cheap themometer. (this is a joke, DO NOT TAKE MERCURY it is very POISIONESS).
Here is some witty observational comedy. It is really funny when someone makes a realy funny joke.
What is the most intelligent dinosaur, a theasaurus.
Search Engine Optimization and Free Submission
I know that this restraunt is good, I walked in and I saw a man made out of white tyres, and eating the sausages, he looked like the tyre advert man. He said it was great.
That joke is so funny you should ask somebody to help strap your stomach with sandbags, as it is so funny you might explode.
This is observational comedy, Do you ever notice that most roads are grey, and that normally cars drive on them.
What do you call an Irish prime minister Tony Mac - - Blair, hoh hoh hoh
Why do the Americans not let anybody know about the secret Antartican military base.
Because the talking penguins won't let them.
Hey its ok dont worry, it doesn't really exist, I made it up.
Why are Scottish people not elected PM. Because their name is Muck(MC) (Mac).
Knock knock whos there, knock, knock who
I have been possesed by the funny monster
What is the cleverest Mountain on Earth
Mount
Cleverest
Which team every season are top of the Scottish league
Aberdeen, in alphabetical order,
Hoh hoh hoh sob sob, this is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life, please send all this off to Saturday Night Live, and the writer of the Oscar award speech, it is great,
Now for a new Scottish national anthem, to the tune of Scots wahey,.
Ochc eye na doo,
Where bag pipes droned,
Where Haggis and Highland Cows a romed,
Where kilts are worn all the time,
And where whisky and porridge is the only meal for which we pine
Donald wheres your trousers,
Our tartan is our only cloth,
We eat oats for breakfast, and lunch and before rest,
I cannae walk with nae shoes or I stand on thistles, and hurt my toes, and sceam ooh,
I may never leave the house without my sporran, never ever spending any money,
But that's what makes me a true and proud Scot
The nation of highland dancing and everyone with hair that is red,
Over the sea to Skye,
Where is my Scotch Terrier,
He is running through the purple heather,
He hopefully will not be eaten by the fearsome Loch Ness Monster,
We enjoy curling and golf, with our fresh Highland air,
And shall never surrender to English imperialism, but leave a smile in the lair,
We are inspired by spiders, and by Wallace and Bruce,
Scotland the Brave
Hey Jimmy I tell yee noo,
In this poem that was written by Burns thee most famous poet of the world ever too,
Yee will never take our freedom, or our bonny nation of the free,
Oor Wullie, Scottie, other folk, never surrendered to Rome, Norway or English yoke,
So weel I tell yee, pal, about this chum,
Scotland, Scotia Caledonia, woo,
Flower of Scotland from, Galashiels to John o Groats, and Shetland too,
Today I tried to drive to work and I was behind a slow driver, and I was going to be late, then I thought I would be on time when I got out of my car, but some men walked in front of me with a 20 foot long pole they were taking too where they were working, so I was 10 minues late.
Also I drove after a car that went into a group of cones, on the wrong side, and I ended up driving over the white lines they were painting, and he had driven off earlier.
Isn't it funny when people were thinking up names for themselves in the Medieval Era. Some people, must have said what will you call yourself, and somebody said, I will call myself, Strongarm, I will call myself, Butcher, and then somebody said, oh this won't last, I will call myself Sheepsbottom, and they said but this will last for ages, and affect generations of your families, and he said, no it won't just put that as my name
Did you ever notice that tunnels slow your car down
People say I 'm sarcastic, but I say Oh yeah like I really have sharp teeth, and fins.
People say I have no sense of irony, I have you know I did the ironing last week
People say you should only beep your horn when you are going round a bend. I always beep my horn, as I am always going round the bend.
Jokes for dictators fearing assasination,
Have you ever noticed how, police inspectors are getting younger.
Dictator: Have you ever noticed that my food testers are always so young
guffaw guffaw
More jokes below this list of links to sites,
More sites of ours
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Moon.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/New%20New.htm
Royalty free music
Loads of Music
http://www.happy-online.co.uk
More jokes http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Jokesfurther.htm
I do not understand computer people, they are so angry.
A freind of mine told me please can you burn my CD on your computer
So I went round to him and lit fire to his cd,
I did not belive it the next day, he told me he didn't want it burned after all.
Then after he said he wanted it saved, he was amazed when I took a razor from his toilet and gave the disc a good shave with shaving foam
Why do acrobats, sorry this is so funny I shall have to stop writing for a while
hahahahahhaaha
Why do they hate recieving their certificates through the post,
I will tell you why it is as the certificates always have a thing on them saying PLEASE DO NOT BEND
They always shout, how am I supposed to do my job without bending.
These are some of the funny things it is my job to tell you, great at it I know.
If you are not laughing it is not my fault you have no sense of humour.
Some hilarious joke ideas for newspapers http://www.lonympics.co.uk/jokenewspapercirculationideas.htm
A link to the hilarious comedy
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart1.htm
Below are some comments about this site
small.
The first people on the moon, and exploration of the moon.
The Cold War inspired space race between the Soiet Union and the USA led to a massive improvement in space exploration. The US was the first to land humans on the moon in 1969, but Many scientifically important steps, such as the first photographs of the dark side of the moon in 1959, were first achieved by the Soviet Union.
The first man-made object to reach the Moon was the unmanned Soviet Union ship Luna 2, which made a hard landing on September 14, 1959. The dark side of the Moon was first photographed on October 7, 1959 by the Soviet Union probe Luna 3. Luna 9 was the first probe to soft land the Moon and transmit pictures in February 3, 1966. It was important to prove a lander would not sink into a thick layer of dust, as was feared. The first artificial satellite of the Moon was the Soviet Union probe Luna 10. The first robot lunar rover to land on the Moon was the Soviet Union vessel Lunokhod 1 on November 17, 1970.
On December 24, 1968, in Apollo 8, Frank Borman, James Lovell, and William Anders became the first human beings to see the dark side of the Moon with their own eyes. Humans first landed on the Moon on July 20, 1969. The first man to walk on the surface was Neil Armstrong, commander of Apollo 11 His famous lines "this is one small step for man and a giant leap for man kind". The last man to stand on the Moon was Eugene Cernan, who as part of the mission Apollo 17 walked on the Moon in December 72. Numerous activites were done on the moon, but the most amusing was space golf. Making golf the first sport to be played on to moon.
Moon samples have been brought back to Earth by missions.
On January 14, 2004, US President George W. Bush called for a plan to return manned missions to the Moon by 2020, as preperation for landing on the red planet. NASA's plan to accomplish the goal was announced on March 19, 2005, and was promptly dubbed Apollo 2.0 by critics.
The European Space Agency plans to explore the Moon. European spacecraft Smart 1 entered the lunar orbit in November 2004., with X-ray mapping of the Moon.
The People's Republic of China expressed ambitious plans for exploring the Moon.
From the mid-1960's to the mid-1970's there were 65 moon landings, but after Luna 24 in 1976 they stopped. The Soviet Union started focusing on Venus and space stations, and the US on Mars.
When I was at camp, our lecturers were all told to say in their first lectures do not be afraid, to ask any dumb questions.
In the first one person stood up and said duuuhh what is my name,
The next teacher we had, someone stood up, and asked of this lesson about the local lake, what kind of fish are in the lake, the lecturer said don't ask such stupid questions everybody knows that, are you an idiot
The next teacher, said the thing again, it was about the local boats, someone asked some very complex serious questions about the boats, and if they have special engine marks something or other, the lecturers looked dumfounded and said, do not ask such dumb questions,
Why are young skin heads often paedos as they are
People who say they don't care what anybody else, are just people who don't mind people thinking they are thugs, but always attack people when somebody says they are not hard nuts who like attacking people,
A builder who always says who does, this some amateur, when repairing DIY people's roofs, goes to the bank hahahah hahhahaha I'm still laughing at this funniness. He goes to the sculptress, and brings his own sculpture he tried to repair, and they say who did this, some amateur, it all comes back to him, and he apoligises too all the people, he condemned.
A good party trick, is to take out a bath of water and put your bottom in it, and fart a tune, everybody in the embassy says, take a look at this guy
A man goes to the Rose New Tower, in Chicago, for a TV programme, stating that 10 years ago, Professor Ridlington-Hampton, from Harvard University stated that nuclear power is not of any use, today I visit this building again to talk with a man that says it is useful, they have a 10 minute discussion on the subject, at the end of the programme, the man, says 2 years ago this building was taken over by the home for the dangerously right wing.
Flies quick, talkers, actually saying mind if I sit on your cake and eat some it please,
I was criticised at work today as I was unable to put my message across in an email, I was saying that we are having the British Isles open day at the local conference centre, and that there was a message, , I said, A Irishman, phones a Scotsman, and a Welshman, and he phoned Englishman, top say all the stuff that happened, everybody thought my newsletter was a joke, actually I was just saying they phoned eachother, and in the rest of the email which they did not read, as they thought it was a joke, that there was a flood, so they had to escape in a boat,
We have a knew boss, all the staff had to write a list of what they like, I said I normally like a hour at the end of each day, to relax, and sleep, so I have been fired,
What does a person from Merseyside who adores Pate, do in the toilet, a Liverpoo,
Please stop correcting the spelling of that spellmaster,
Why not have a sparkly jacket that sparkles
I got a job, as a helper for a clown, he said buy me some joke, soap, I could only find normal soap, on the bad side, he could not do that joke, but on the good side he was the cleanest clown in the world
Have you noticed the moon looks like a half eaten banana eaten bit on, A Great index of Comedy and joke sites, 100s of jokes, are 1 click away,
I said 200,000 people watched the Lonympics derby, they must all have felt like a bunch of doughnuts,
I was watching TV, and a man was asked a question by the man in the audience he looked like he liked the question, but also like the questioner, who asked it, both looked pleased, it was like that edition of Bilko, when Doberman, meats a general who resembles, him, and says hmm he is very charismatic looking, give him the award of most handsome man, actually it was himself,
I crossed the ball, and hit my brother's head, and went in
In my new job I had to get those small matchstick boats inside bottles, I pushed them all in, and they all broke,
A CIA man is fired, for reading out his password aloud, every time he tries to get in the Pentagon
He says I might aswell Buzz aldrin like some say Buzz of then,
For sale a comedy bumper sticker, after this people will perhaps not question your parking so much
Someone told me that urine, and urea, are the same thing all over the body, I told these people, that it may be true for them, but for me, it is not,
What is it with Australians, like people from Brisbane, I heard they like nothing better than A barbie, and a bear, I invited them, all over, to see my dancing bear I rescued from a Romanian farm, and gave them all plastic dolls, and they all said, where's the bear, wheres the barbie, I was so offended I asked them all to leave.
What about that saying chalk and cheese, they go together like chalk and cheese, well that is all fair and well, but chalk does not go well with anything, tomatoes,. ice cream, chocolate not a good mix.
People say the army is hard, but what about all the hand bags they carry on their backs.
Here is a university report, from the university of Lonympics, a college which has been critisised about it's teaching practicises by it's internal reports, about the evolutionary connection between birds and dinosaurs, it says do not attack pigeons, as they are baby tyrannosaurus rexes.
Think of those hobby things job application forms always have, just imagine you gave all the other necessary qualifications, a university degree, brilliant interview, charming performance excellent references, then you have your hobbies, collecting doo doo from the pavement, and keeping it in glass jars, in your bedroom, AND IT MUST BE HUMAN DOO DOO, from last night's drunks, i jest i jest, gag ga goo ga
Being a small cat being chased by a doberman, must be like a human being chased by a giant t rex
I suppose right wingers who believe in Christianity are fooled by their own stupidity when they say why wasn't Jesus rich,
I saw a blog, and it did not allow commenting by robots, the question was what is your fave food, and the only answer that is wrong is oil.
Why do people always say does this look good on me, I mean I can understand if they are talking about a hat, but are they planning to wear a skirt on their head.
A old man tells off a man for jumping on the grass, saying he is hurting the lawn,
What about those farms that have 12 sheep and 1 lama in a field, does it not make the farmer look stupid, like he can not tell the difference between a sheep and a lama,
What a bout a comedy clip where your nation's commentators pretend there is nothing wrong with your nation's players tackles when there is no doubt they were bad, as a joke, to show silly bias,
You know that famous model, she wants you to be her husband,
I was told as a manager a player had a great foot, I put him on as my striker, it turned out he had a grapefruit, so I was fired from the club,
What does a man with glasses say to some fish in the lakes that are going to have nuclear power stations built by them, hi there 4 eyes, (it is OK for me to say that as I have glasses)
Why do rich snobs not like potatoes, as they are too tatty (a word for potatoes)
What is a sweet loving sheeps' favorite noise, chocolate bahhs,
Who is the funniest Irish politician, Mayor O'HAHAHAHAHA ha ha ha ha hee heeh teehh he,
If you like rivers, and if not you are inseinne, or indenile, or not, take a look at this site, then back to the jokes http://www.lonympics.co.uk/river1.htm
Which political Party in Britain is most likely to be arrested for perverted behavior, the U C I P
We have set up a new place that sells pictures, of things for mobiles, I can not understand why it is failing, old ancient pictures would surely be popular among young people, http://www.lonympics.co.uk/new/drawingsoflandscapesA.htm
I did a do in the toilet I put the label winnie, on it, so it is Winnieh the Pooh,
Why did lassie show allot of affection, to Chaplin, he thought his fame could rub off on him
What about the way, that bald people, can look like themselves upside down in photoes, and how an elephant upside down, looks like a person who thinks global warming is not happening
I thought a storm, had destroyed a sign, that said, tel, 01777 actually it was a message to from star trek high command to tell robot 01777 something,
A player in my team is called yaloog, And another in the opposing team, is called yaloog, so whenever yalo scores his own goals, he sees Yaloog, claim the credit in the match report. you know OG is the word for Own Goal in newspapers,
In what sport would you expect to a have a albatross and a eagle, I tell you, bird racing,
my pals divorce lawyer is so good, he got his house, and all the kids custard, the man, and woman, had to leave the house, it was now the lawyers, they were not even getting divorced,
People say hypnotism, is no threat, what about when the man who thinks he is invisible pulls down the hypnologists trousers
Yes the police do feel guilty about the recent bad mistakes, they are looking at their sources, yes which one, tomato, brown, or maybe tartar
Me and my twin are very brave but we are against fighting and never fight, to show this once, my brother walked past one of those 4 feet high armour statues, that are ion hotels, and he went up to it, and went up to it, and showed his fist pretending to be like a thug, saying oi you oi you, pretending to grab his collar, well that is like most of the young people in our town for real real, women too, and they are liking to pretend decent people are criminals too. when they are, I am only joking,
I was listening to a radio station which says, guess the year, they said, guess the year, it was Duran Duran were number one, and Italy won the world cup, somebody said 1836, another said, is it 1987, the guy who said, 1987, had just woken up from a coma, and the radio station was the first people he reached,
If somebody insults you, say what they said, back, and say you can dish it out, but can't take it, but the scumbags will have no sense of humour if you say it back,
What about a ferrari ice cream seller
Somebody applied for a job, master bator, they have to fit the bate on the fishing rods
A sheep went to the barbars, he was charged 7000 Euros, he said, ive;' been fleeced
A casino owner, sees himself lose all his money to a great gambler, he rolls a brown dice in his trousers, the same joke can be said, about a log falling sdown a hill towards a lumberjack, and his brown log
I phoned up a place I could not understand if they saif B, or P, they said, P for prick, I said you disgrace, then they said it was B for Brick, B for basketball,
Abby and Zog are the opposite names of the alphabet,
A man points his finger at a famous person, when he meets him, it looks like a gun, after offering the other hand, it all ends in laughter
Is it not nice they put those small cups on the top of mineral water bottles, they are caps, hoh hoho hoh
i always think security guards are the most suspicous looking people, looking around, dressed to look topugh, looking like whatever
The guy who did the Loss Nech Mosnter joke, in the 1920s, is still laughing how people bnelieved him
A good excuse to the police if you are speeding is to have a tape machone in your car and play it and start talking to it as if it is the car, so you were not speeding herbie, was,
I was going to say I have a cough, but does it matter, matter, phlem,
Why are skinheads, often paedophiles, as they are sadistic thugs, and their wives feel evil is good,
Some say Euro sceptics, just have hate, no this is untrue, they love, much, they love war, they love misery, pain, and of course beating up foreigners.
A local fellow prooved a famous saying true he was throwing stones at houses nearby him, then someone
More sites of ours
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Moon.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/New%20New.htm
My view on the Movie King of Comedy
he again caught it and took of its other leg,again he said go and it began to run,
he caught the cockroach again and took of the third leg and said go,anagin it began to run
he took off the 4th leg and said go
but this time it did not move
finally he made conclusion
IF ALL LEGS OF COCKROACH ARE REMOVED,IT BECOMES DEAF
An old fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.""
Found it from skybluecarp (on yahoo answers), credit goes to him for this hilarious joke!
1)TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
2)TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's chry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
3)TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
4)TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
5)TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Saying the Right Thing at the Right Time
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!"
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time..........PRICELESS
Hope this help...
1.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
2.
A father was watching football this weekend, he and his daughter got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation the father told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV, and dumped out my beer.
3.
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story and little Suzy raises her hand... "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market... Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket"
Next is little Lucy.... "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator" .... "Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched"....Teacher asks for the moral of the story.... Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched"
Last is little Billy.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory".... "He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete".... "On the way down he drank the case of beer".... "Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers".... "He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.... Billy replies, "Don't fcuk with my dad when he's been drinking"
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".
Rules of the lab
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being a hacker is kind of being a supermodel. Eventually you grow up and move on.
Kevin Poulson, legendary hacker, 1999
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are an Internet Junkie when...
When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow
Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and...
Graphics arrive via FedEx.
You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989.
You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong".
Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
Zach Smith
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web
Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own webpage.
So does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 7 ways the Internet could get worse
"MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.
Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
Gameboy web browsers.
Two words: "Microsoft Network"
Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.
At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Three Laws of Secure Computing
1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
A guide to man-machine interface
USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping
USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?
USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.
USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR
DUR?
USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.
USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.
USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.
USER-INSULTING
C:\ DUR
F*ck off
C:\ DIR
F*ck off
USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere
USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc
USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.
USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
Real users never use the Help key.
Real users never stop asking new options.
Real users never know what to do with new options.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If computer errors were written as haikus
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.
Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.
This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computers are Like Men...
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers are Like Women...
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 8 Types of Supporters
The Eager Beaver: "Sure, I can write an emulation program by this afternoon ... one of those new boxes? I'd sure like to get my fingers into one. I think I know where there's one just down the hall ... "
The Know-it-All: "Well, I could tell you how to do that ... but I think I could recommend a better approach ... "
The New Kid: "Do you have a dog? ... My name? I'll have to get back to you on that."
The Psycho: "READ MY LIPS, YOU BOZO! Are you STUPID or something?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
The Counselor: "Oh my. Oh dear. Uh huh ... yes ... and then what happened? ... yes, I have plenty of time ... oh, no, no problem, that's my job ... "
The Intimidator: "Why did you do THAT?! Haven't you had any TRAINING?! Don't you know Section 5.1.2.1.1 of the IEEE spec?!"
The Veteran: "Oh! That's there for backward compatibility. They added it in rev 2.00.03 but they didn't document it."
The Crispy Critter: "I don't know. I don't care. Your problem, that says it all, I have my own to take care of. Why are you using this product, anyway?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To err is human ...
To err is human; to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Tom Gilb
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real Stories from a Virtual World
Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key.
A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Problem Questionnaire
Describe your problem.
Now, describe the problem accurately.
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
Is your computer plugged in?
Is it turned on?
Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Have you made it worse?
Have you read the manual?
Are you sure you've read the manual?
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
Do you think you understood it?
If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
If 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Explanations by Programmers
Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to have a malfunction.
Has the operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your data.
I have not touched that module!
You must have the wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidense.
I can't test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Messages: what they say and what they mean by it
Press Any Key.
Press any key you like but I'm not moving.
Press A Key.
Nothing happens unless you press the 'A' key.
Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E...
... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem.
Installing program to C:\...
... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.
Not enough memory.
I don't CARE if you've got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.
Cannot read from drive D:...
...however, if you put the CD in right side up...
Please Wait...
...indefinitely.
Directory does not exist...
....any more. Woops.
The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.
....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best way to accelerate a Win9x machine is at 9.81m/s2.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:
NO! Not that button!
Do you smell something?
I have never seen it do that before...
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
What do you mean you needed that directory?
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Might Be a Computers' Support Technician if...
when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
you look for the undo command after making a mistake.
you disdain people who use low baud rates.
you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.
you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.
you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again."
"It's in the manual. Didn't you read the manual?"
"The bulb was fine; you just forgot to turn the switch on."
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
"Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?"
"Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it in all future correspondence."
How many first-time computer users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have declared darkness to be the new standard.
One, but only if "light bulb" can be found in the Microsoft Knowledge Base.
It was only when the assasins arealised these devices are not explosive that the dastardly plans failed,
And that Sense And sensibility's opening premiere, was the scene of 5000 whoopee cushions, a record breaking event,
If you would like to see some true facts about whoppee cushions, you can have a look about this site
Name the one of the last 3 US presidents not to born in the USA,
For this question Both George Bush, and Bill Clinton were born in the US, and so was George Bush, infact none were,
Hold on bear with us, bear with us, no hold on there is a bear with us,. and it is eating all our honey
My funniest April Fools day, joke, is saying I am just going to post this letter, then I say, April Fools,
People in Central Asia, like animals,. they have lassie, lhasa, the capital of tibet,. kabul, ka bull of afghans, and Katmand do, cat man do
A site saying some great jokes.
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Jokesfreeforusebyrsmith.htm
But some more jokes down the page
Wise man says Canberra, or Wellington might be furtheest cap[itakls from other capitals
Wise man, says there were Records Books, before the Guiness Books of Records, but they were just written by snise people, in 1788, in France, and they said things like, oh my god, look at him,, he balanced 10 plastic cups on his head. and uuuh, what did he do that for. happily these snobs were jailed by the french revolution
What do hunters call seals Cullin
In work I always used to boast say anytime, and I will tell you a historical fact that shows I know everything, I always said it at 1549, for the Battle of Mohacs, then som,ebody asked me it at 10 oc loc, I don't know that much.
I run a million pound bank, and told my people to buy Sunflowers' by Van Goch, as a investment, they came back, with a picture of a cawliflower.
I am not saying my big brother is doing dna science, but his cat scratched me, on Tuesday, and since then I hacve grown a furry, back, and can only drink milk,
I was taking a diversion on Tueday as a rally diverted us, the main road was chock a block, but one guy was really mad, Ilooked to the right and saw a rally driver had taken a wrong turning, he was going mad, the other guy the helper had his map book upside down, and was saying, bear right bear right, do not bear right there is a bear there,
You know I have a great affinity with all those people in segragation era Georgia who were banned from going on golf courses, I too was banned, as I often drove across the local golf course on my way to work, for a long cut, and and for fun,
I hear all the local skinheads, say if the monarchy is voted out in a referenda, they will whip themselves down the street, they also say they will if they are not, as they are sado massicists,.
More jokes below this list of links to sites,
More sites of ours
Some more great jokes http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Jokesfurther.htm
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/Moon.htm
My view on the Movie King of Comedy
A link to the hilarious comedy here is an aexample of the joke , A butler is pissing in the bath, his employer says, waht are you doing, he says urine my lord
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/magellanpart1.htm
Measure site http://www.lonympics.co.uk/measures.htm
I said to a guy who bought a limited edition new ferrari I saw your car down the market selling for a tenner. theres a huge bundle of them
A link to the semi joke, semi seirous
http://www.lonympics.co.uk/horsesanddragons.htm
Women's personality is more important than looks, as a very beutiful women, may torture you and hate you so much she makes herself look ugly, while a ugly women, with good persona for you will make herself look best for you, so ugly nice better than beuty evil,
I have been having back breaking work, yeah while lying down for a rest I was on a sore bed
Here is a page of less funny jokes,come back to this page if you don't like it,
Don't idiots always think you are an idiot, Today at reception some idiots came to my office, and asked where is the free champagne, I said, we don't have any free champagne, tnhey said, he doesn'y know anything, he does not know about the free champagne, I said, the President hotel,in a town 38.8 miles away is offering the wine. They said, bloody ell, well wheres the President, I said, oh it's somewhere on the prom of that town, they said, where's that, her husband said, we haven't had are cup of tea yet, I said, the prom is somewhere near the railway station, she said, what are you saying what are youy saing where is the cahmpagne, anyway I gave them directiosn to the President hotel, and they said, bloody ell, where's are cup of tea, in a mood, of looking as if I had not done them, a good deed, with them asking where is this prom,
alternative joke ways of making a successful newspaper
Make up imaginary stories about people you claim you cannot name. Then say week after the secret stories about these people, who you cannot name. When really there is no story.
Buy copies of the best paper around, only print 4 - 5 pages of your own paper, then put the other newspaoper inside your own pages. Then sell your paper, for just 5p more. Then people will say we get two papers for almost the price of one. Look at http://www.lonympics.co.uk/
Give other papers, such as the mirror, sun, guardian away free with your paper to build up circulation.
Choose a name, that looks like the other paper name to steal the customers, choose a name like the That Sun, or the The Brittish Times, or the New Yerk times, or Figaroooo.
print photos of the other papers pages big enough to read what the paper says, so you can cut costs on reporting, then print the photos on your pages as "photo pages", and say you are not stealing their stories just showing pictures of their pages.
Print headlines in a question style asking amazing questions like is Tony Blair a leaving next week, and then says on the inside pages probably not, so he can't sue you for making outrageous claims that have no basis in truth. But the customer has already bought the paper.
Print a saying on the top of your newspaper, boasting of how proud your paper is of your nation. Then you can take advantage of nationlalism to make money. Then say the other papers, are traitors.
Back whichever party is the most popular and claim you can win them the election, even if you only have very few readers.
In case the party you back loses the election claim, putt another small column in a few of the pages backing the other parties, just in case.
100s of Websites http://www.lonympics.co.uk/
A Great index of Comedy and joke sites, 100s of jokes, are 1 click away,
The Circulation numbers of 53 of the biggest selling newspapers in Britain in 1993
GREAT JOKES
I was sitting at the opera, rigeletto, rigeletto, I was sitting there so long I got rigeletto.
I always say yeah rigeletto, ministroni, they are my most favourite great composers,
My least well articulated joke of this page, I was in the dentuist I shouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, I was given a bravry stocker after,
followed by the only riddle, I make,
What Tom, is a load of red liquidm tomato soup
But now back to the humour, but the best jokes are my football jokes, way below
I met Elvis, I accidently stood on his shoes, and he said aaaaghh, don;t stand on my blue swade sues,
What do road men say when they are given a cup of tea ? Tar very much
I was looking at my court papers last weak, I have been trying to get the banan isles, exempt from tax haven status, as part of my way of attacking tax havens. The judge said he would allow the banan appeal. but then he dropped it. Sadly I slipped over it, and could not get my case together again, and have been banned from all legal affairs, and fruit issues. the banana peal, has been dropped.
can I press you to a custard pie, that what a I say as a waiter,
I was saying yesterday, when applying for this job, I;ve got a great memory, a great memoryr, you can't beat itm, it's as god as this err, this err, com whtaisishname, it was a computer,
You know I got a job as a swimming pool attendant after, my job is a waiter, I was fired as I thought the money left in the locker was my tips.
I always have to be chucked out oif pound shops, As I always que up to ask, and how much does this cost, for every single item, (to any non-British people, I shall tell you pound shops, are shops that only sell goods for a pound)
I always say to the garage at my annual, MOT, when they fix thinsg, that I knew they fiddled with it, last time, so I would have to get the stuff fixed, so i am always barred from them
I suppose stupider lords, are always boasting about how much they have helped the harvest, and suns rays today, as priests are always saying in huge emotion, thank the lord for the sunshine, thank the lord for this and that, some are probably saying, during it, well i suppose I can take most of the credit, for it being sunny, but I don't like to boass, and the priest say, be quiet I am commending the lord, and the lord says, i know thank you.
What is the capital of Austalia, Canberra,
What is the Scottish version of the God Saves the Queen, the English national anthem,
Booooooooh.
Why do some Dutch people, hate their monarchy so much, as it tried to ally with the nazis. the ones that do not are scumbags
My best jokes are below,
You know the thing about us being twins, we have made a deal, to share the money we make from our businesses. Sadly I always renege on this and my brother pulls at the cheque and I do not let him have it, and it rips, so we get not6hing
Imagine those people are who do not know who Tony Balir is in Opinion Polls. there is always a percent who do not know the name of the PM,. they are probabaly all millionaires, via some so called talent, buuuuh
They say that people who do not howl at the Moon, are not suitable, for husbands in these parts, they do not have the wearfwolf all.
I was in the internet cafe and all the people were moaning I was not letting them look at my screen, they were saying hey get a look at this guy man, he won;t klet us look at his screen, what a snob, hjey this guiy is a real snob, all the people from outside the local; shop caem and truied to look, and said he y pal, let us look man,
Alan Shearer says he is giving up serious football. in season 2007,(this means he is retiring, people say) so just imagine, he scores the 2008 Fa cup final goal, that puts a Newcastle team that had 2 players injured in the attack, including their goally, in the last monute, into 1 minute from winning their first big trophy for a few decades, but it is dissallowed as he is wearing a clown suit, and carried it in into the net after passing the goally.
The doo doo monster which comes up toilets otherwise known as the commode o dragon, in Medieval times,
A site saying some great jokes.
This is our best jokes site, and voted by us the best comedy site on the internet but I have some great jokes below,
But some more jokes down the page
This scumbag was talking to this person, and sdai, hey mentally ill person, the person said, i am not mentally ill, the scumbag said, hey never said tnhere was anything wrong with being mentally ill, then laughed snidely, then the decent person, said the scumbag ws mentally ill, and the scumbag wwent i'll get you i'll get you grrrr, anyway