A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a handyman-type and started cavassing a
wealthy neighborhood. She went to the frontdoor of the
first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will it cost?"
The blonde said about 50$. The man told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the
garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the
conversation and said to her husband, "Does she ralize
that the porchgoes all the way around the house?"
The man replied," She should. She was standing on the
porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the
door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked
"Yes, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50$.
"And by the way," the blonde added," that's not a
Porch, it's a Ferrari.
======================================
A newly married couple were preparing to spend their
first night together in a ritzy hotel. The bride,
however, was nervous as she thought the room might be
bugged. "I'd just be so embarrassed if anyone heard
us," she said. So her new husband decided to pacify
her by hunting around. Sure enough, under the rug, was
a little metal contraption. The husband unscrewed it,
disposed of the hardware, and then settled in for the
night. The next morning, they were awoken by a knock
on the door. It was the manager asking if they'd had a
good night.
"Of course we have," said the husband. "Why do you
ask?"
"Well, it's very unusual," the manager said. "Last
night the couple in the room underneath you had a
chandelier fall on them."
====================================
Deep within the forest a little turtle began to climb
a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top,
He jumped in to the air waving his little feet he
crashed to the ground,after recovering,he slowly
climbed the tree again,jumped and again fell to the
ground,
Yet he tried again and again.
While a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched
his sad efforts.
Finally the femail bird turned to her mate.
"Dear", don't you think it's time to tell him he's adopted'.
=================================
An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the
back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed
it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits,
and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees
next to the pond.One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond to look it over,as he hadn't been
down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond,
he heard splashing and female voices shouting and
laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw that 5
young women had
parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the
fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went
hurriedly splashing to the deep end.One of the women
shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming out
until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the
pond.
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed
the alligator."
(Old men can still think fast)
==================================
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son. They decided to try
one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife
got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the
father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied,
"Not this time!"
==============================
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
He: "Yes. At last. I was waiting for this
opportunity."
She: "Do you want me to leave?"
He: "NO! Don't even think about it."
She: "Do you love me?"
He: "Of course!"
She: "Have you ever cheated on me?"
He: "NO! Why you even asking?"
She: "Will you kiss me?"
He:" Yes!"
She:" Will you hit me?"
He: "No way! I'm not that kind of person!"
She: "Can I trust you?"
For AFTER MARRIAGE.... read the lines from bottom to
top.
================================
He refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks
if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He
has had more experience, but it's the first time his
finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply
within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's
done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give
him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead
and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the
tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and
you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your
head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting
within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay
panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most
stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank him, your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.