you have to read them all, they are all hilarious
A 60-year-old couple are celebrating their 40th wedding annivesary.During the celebrations a fairy appears and
says that,since they have been such a loving couple,she'll give them each 1 wish.The wife wishes to travel the world.The fairy waves her wand and poof!She has a handful of tickets.Next,it's the husband's turn.He pauses for a moment,then says,"I'd like to have a woman 30years younger than me."So the fairy picks up her wand and poof!He's 90
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A blonde and a red head are watching the 9 o'clock news when they get breaking news that a guy is about to jump off a building. The red head bets the blonde that the guy will jump and the blonde bets he won't for 50 bucks...5 min watching it the guy jumps and the red head wins. while she is walking out she tells the blonde that she cannot accept the money on the count that she saw the same thing on the 5 o'clock news. The blonde tells the red head that she also saw it on the 5 o'clock news...the red head asks the Blonde why she bet that the guy wouldn't jump if she already knew. and the blonde replies "o i just didn't think he'd be stupid to do it twice"
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
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When the very first man discovered that cows have milk... what do you think he was doing?!
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A white man, a black man and a Indian went to the top of the Empire State building to judge who had the longest hose.
The white man spoke up and said, "I'll go first", so, he unzips and lets it over the side. Looking down he spoke up and said "10 stories". The Indian said, I'm next, so, he unzips and over the side it goes. Looking down, he says, "15 stories". As these guys were pulling up their manhood, they were wondering why the black man hasn't said anything and the white man yelled over to the black man and said, Why are you dancing? The black man replied, "I'm not, I'm dodging traffic"
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it ok if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
Is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
M AN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
Him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and says "does anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?
i like the second one!
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Q . what sexual position produces the ugliest children
A. Ask Your Mother
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Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog
"Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his
license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He
said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He
said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't
understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have
been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for
sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The
Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in
the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you
don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He
called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The
judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had
left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley
at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...
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A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the mens restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. Sir, she said, the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldnt just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The mens restroom didnt have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!
You pushed one too many buttons, replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. That last button marked ATR is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.
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A gross one, and not all that good, but here goes....
A Frenchmen is calmly having his breakfast when an American (noisily chewing gum) sits beside him.
The Frenchman ignores the American who (not happy about this) starts a conversation.
American: "Do you eat the whole bread?"
French (in a bad mood): "Of course!"
American: "We don't. We only eat what is inside and the outside we put together in a container, recycle it, transform it into croissants and sell it to France."
The French listens in silence.
The American insists: "Do you eat the bread with jam?"
French (now more annoyed): "Of course!"
American: "We don't. We eat fresh fruit for our breakfast, put all the seed and the rest in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France."
The Frenchman then asks: "And what do you do with condoms once you used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course!"
French: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform them into chewing gum and sell it to America."
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Three old ladies were out having a smoke
soon is begins to rain
two of the old ladies cigarettes went bad, but one didn't
The two ladies asked her "whats that you got your cigarette in?"
The old lady looks and shrugs " A condom"
One of the other old ladies asks her "where can I get me one of those?
She answers " I got mine at the drug store"
The next day the other old lady goes to the drug store. She looks around not sure what isle it will be in. A young man about 19 was working and he thought the old lady looked lost.
He walks up to her "can I help you?"
she says "i'm looking for a condom."
The young man was curious "why would grandma here want a condom"
But he said nothing and showed her the isle
She looked confused, there were so many to choose from.
So he tried to help her out "are you looking for a certain size? maybe a flavored one?"
She says "i'm just looking for one that will fit a camel "
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Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Surprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ******* just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
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A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the
lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my
glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to
the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."
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* Nike Condoms: Just do it.
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
* Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
* Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
* Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
* Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
* Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
* Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
* Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
* Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
* California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
* Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
* EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
* KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
* Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
* Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today?
* Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
* Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
* Timex: Takes a licking and keep on ticking.
* McDonald's: Over 1 billion served.
* Volkswagon: Drivers wanted.
* Porsche: There is no substitute
* What was that brand of women's high heel shoe?: Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker.
* Quaker Oats: Do the right thing.
* Life Cereal: He Like's It! He Like's It!
* Johnson & Johnson: No more tears...
* Wheaties Condoms: Condom of Champions
*Honycomb:Big Mouths
wanted
**********************
Mary, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her
heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
your left breast. Why do you ask?"
She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mary was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
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A man wants to buy a car. He goes to a car dealership. He is looking at all of the cars when he sees one that looks so much better than any other. He looks inside the car and sees that it has no steering wheel. He calls the car dealer over and asks why it is. The car dealer replies, "You see, this car is futuristic. It is voice controlled. Directions are easy, you simply say: left, right, or back. But the starting and stopping of the car is tricky. To start it you say Thank God, and to stop it you say Oh ****."
So the man buys it and goes on a trip. He gets really used to the controls and is having fun. Suddenly, he sees a huge cliff ahead of him. He tries to say the words for "stop" or “back", but he cant remember them. He starts panicking and shouting random words. "Stop. Stop car. Please stop." By now he is about to go off the cliff. "Oh ****" and the car stops. “Thank God".
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.
"Idiot!" The Taliban shouted, " I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jewish
man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate
me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that dune to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the
hill.....................................
Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f*cking brother won't let me in
without a tie."
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for teatime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'!
At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story. 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Moral for women:
*Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!*
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Norma referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not Have a Headache I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'."
"It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back.."
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and
jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never
before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday
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6 Truths of life:?
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie
4. You're smiling now, because your an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. there's still a stupid smile on your face!!
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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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funny names…(real people)
shithead
(pernounced shi-theee-ed) lol!
harry *****
Hugh Jass
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A man comes home one day and finds a gorilla on his roof, so he calls animal control and the guy shows up with a ladder,a stick,a chihuahua,a pair of handcuffs,a rope and a pistol.The home owner asks "What in the world is all this stuff?"The animal control guy says"Oh,it's simple,I climb the ladder and take the stick and knock the gorilla off your roof,when he hits the ground the chihuahua's been trained to bite him in the nads,when he goes to remove the chihuahua, I handcuff him,tie him up and haul him off,I do this all the time".The home owner says"I got to see this,hey,wait a minute, what's the pistol for?".The animal control guy says"Well,in case the gorilla knocks me off the ladder,I want you to shoot that chihuahua!".
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My wife came in the house after work to find me with a fly swater. " Are you killing any ?" she asked... I said " ya, three males and two females." She thought about that for a few seconds and asked " how do you tell which sex they are?" I told her " three on a beer can, and two on the phone!"
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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think after the first one, the other two would have ducked.
**********************
A nurse is working in the maternity ward, and stops to check on a newborn. "Hello, little sweetie," she coos. The baby looks back and says, "Hi there, lady."
The nurse is startled. "Where did *you* come from?"
The baby says, "Well, my parents had intimate relations, I spent nine months gestating inside Mom, and here I am."
The nurse asks, "How old are you?" The baby replies, "Two days." She asks, "How do you know all this stuff?" The baby just looks at her and says, "Hey, I wasn't born yesterday."
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jack and jill went up the hill to get some marujana. Jack got high, droped his fly, and said do you wanna, jill said yes, dropped her dress, and then they had some fun. silly jill forgot her pill and now they have a son
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There was this woman who bought a mansion. She said she will name it after anything she hears. She heard these kids saying hairy butt hairy butt. So she named her mansion hairy butt.
The woman then had a baby. She said she will name it after anything she hears. She went outside to take a walk and then stepped on a leaf. It went crack so the woman named her baby crack.
One day the baby was missing. She went to the police and said," Officer, Officer! I searched all over my hairy butt, but I can't find my crack!
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The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Bobby, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted....
***********************
On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
"I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man" she tells her new hubby.
The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers ...well maybe!
Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.
Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asked his bride.
"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"
The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband.
Well we would do it again!
Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.
So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!
"NO, says the exhausted hubby"!
"Well who are you calling then, she asks."
I'm calling Tiger Woods...
I want to see what par is for this hole!
****************************
A man was travelling on a train in a sleeper car. A beautiful woman comes into the car and says that she thought this was her car. It turns out the train is full, so the man suggests they share, but not to worry, he'll take the upper bunk and she won't even know he's there.
In the middle of the night, the man wakes up and says to the woman "My pillow is lumpy. Is there an extra?". She's very sweet and gets it. Later he says "I'm cold. Would you be kind enough to get the extra blanket in the car?
She replies very sweetly "You know, here we are a man and a woman travelling alone, but thrown together and you're not comfortable. Why don't don't we pretend like we're married for tonight?" The man is excited by this idea and says "Great."
The woman says "OK honey, get up and get the damn blanket yourself!".
************************
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes
to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What
took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in
bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second
opinion!"
********************
There's a farmer nearby who's rumored to have 4 beautiful daughters.....
One by one, the boys show up at his house....
- 'Evening sir. My name's Lance, I'd love to take your daughter France to the dance...is there a chance?
Farmer looks at him up and down, thinks to himself -he's in the army, can't be all bad. ....allright.
Accepts under the condition he bring her back by midnight.
Second guy shows up.
Good evening sir, name's Blair, I'd like to take your daughter Claire to the fair, is she there?
Same deal, no worries, just no hanky panky and bring her back by midnight.....
Third guy :
Hi, I'm Ray, I want to take your daughter Faye to the play, is that okay??.....
- No funny stuff-back by midnight.....
-Yes sir!....
The forth bloke shows up
- Hi my name's Tucker.......
And the farmer shot him......
******************************
10 ways to annoy a roommate!
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
***********************************
Do you work for UPS?
... because I see you checking out my package.
******************************
Little johnny's neighbor had a new baby and it was born with no ears. Little Johnny's Mom was taking him to see the new baby but she warned little Johnny to not mention the baby not having ears and made him promise. Once they were there and little Johnny was beside the baby crib he said ' he sure has cute little feet and a sweet smile and pretty eyes but can he see'? 'Yes' said the baby's Mother, the Doctor says he has 20/20 vision. 'That's great' said little Johnny 'coz if he ever needs glasses he is sh*t outta luck'
******************************
ok so a lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
***************************
Boy: You are so flat.
Girl: Well that zipper doesn't look too full.
**************************
there is a plane going 2 nyc and this blonde grl has a 2nd class ticket but she goes to the 1st class section and when she is asked to go back to her seat because she is in the other grl's seat she says im blonde and shes brunette im staying!! she is asked to leave a couple more times and all she will say is im blonde and im beautiful and im going to nyc
the brunette grl then goes to one of the flight attendants and whispers sumthing 2 her
she goes back to the blonde grl after everyone sits down and she says i dont mean to embarrase u but first class isnt going 2 nyc were headed to the big apple
the blonde grl blushes and runs back to her original seat
*****************************
A blonde is driving past a field when shes sees another blonde rowing a rowboat in the middle of the field. She stops, gets out of her car, and yells to the other blonde, "It's blonde's like you that give us a bad name! If i could swim i would come and kick your ***!"
***************************
3 men who just died showed up at the pearly gates. st peter says to them, "now heavens a big place. before you get in, you have to answer one simple question." he asks the first man "how many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?" the man replies, "only 4 times sir, but they all took place in the beginning of our marriage, and we talked and worked it out. i've been faithful ever since." "good, thats alright, but since you were unfaithful to your wife in the biginning, im only gonna give you a toyota camry to get around heaven". the man takes it and drives off. peter askes the same question to the second man, to which he replies, "only once, sir, and we also worked it out." peter says to him, "thats very good! here, have a lincoln." the man drives away into heaven. finally, peter askes the question to the third man. the man replies, "never in my life have i even considered looking at another woman. i have been completely faithful." "WOW! thats amazing", peter replies. "have a mercedes sportscar!" the man happily drives off. a few days later, the two men with the camry and lincoln come across the man with the mercedes. hes sitting on the ground, sobbing. "whats wrong?" they ask. he says, "well, my wife just had a heart attack, and came to heaven today. she was riding around on a skateboard!"
***************************
this man dies and goes to hell. he is meet by the devil himself who takes him for a tour of hell. the devil asks the man to pick a room that he want to spend 2000 yrs in, passing each room, more terrifying than the next, they come to a room were a hot blond is giving hard oral to a musty old drunken hillbilly. the man say this room will do just fine, and the devil asks are you sure it lasts for 2000 yrs. the man again replies yes i am sure. so the devil looks at the blond and says okay honey, you can go now we have your replacement.
**************************
wat happens when u get scared half to death twice?
*****************************
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
************************
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
****************************
lg= little girl d = dad
lg bad person touched me
d wt did he do
lg took of my cloths
d like this
lg ohh yes daddy
d that dosnt make somone a bd person
lg but then he rubbed my breastes to gether
d like this
lg oooooh yh yh lik that
d that dosnt make somone a bd person
lg but then he opend my hole thing and started licking it
d lik' di'ss
lg uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, brath yh
d ok
********************
boy wakes up hears mum and dad havin it
nxt mornin he askes his dad
wt were u doin
dad says
bakin a kake
next night dad hears boy downstairs doin sumthin
in da morn he askes
son wt were u doing
son says
liking the watery icing of the sofa that u left, for sum reason it wasnt sweet, are u sure it was sugar.
dad : O_O
*********************
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
***********************
A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are you having then?"
Man replies, "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee"
The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them and lights up a cigarette.
"So whats the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blo job" replies the man.
"Really how was it?" replies the bartender.
Man replied, "Not too bad but i can still taste it!"
***********************
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
******************************
A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.
'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'
'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'
On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.
'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!'
'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'
The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way.
Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.
'HOLD IT!' says the boyfriend, 'What are you doing?'
'Change of plans!,' shouts the doctor...
'I've decided to drown the little *******!'
***************************
It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"
"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.
Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.
"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"
************************
A bus full of ugly people all died in a horrific accident. When they went to heavon, God said, "Since you lived such a sad life because of your appearences, each of you will get a wish."
So the first person asks to be pretty and POOF, she was gorgeous. The rest liked her idea, so one by one they all asked to be pretty.
When God got to the last boy, the boy was grinning.
God asked, "What's so funny?"
"I wish they were all ugly again!"
*****************************
Q: Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blonds have BMW's?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why did the blond die in a helicopter crash?
A: Because she got cold and turned the fan off.
Q: What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why do blonds wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk".
Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the Doctors?
A: Because she though it was pregnant because it missed a period.
**************************
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
************************************
Blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, Husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind m an thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
Funny huh?
************************
a woman walked into a gas station.shes really fat,greasy,and she keeps yelling and cussing and carrying on about how slow there service is.she pulls her two sons by the collar of there shirts to get them to stop messing around.so shes cursing out the cashier and being downright nasty.so the cashier asks the woman"are your boys twins?"
the lady looks disgusted and says"Why the $#%$^*#$^$^)*(^@$# would you thin they are twins?!?they are 5 years apart!!
the man replied,"well,ma'm,i couldnt imagine anyone who would want to shag with you twice!"
*********************
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
**************************
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but
after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and
then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
******************************
Eleven people, ten men, one woman, were holding onto a rope dangling from a helicopter. The rope was starting to split, so someone must let go or else they will all die. They couldn't decide who would let go until the woman talked about sacrificing youself for the benefit of others and all that. After that beautiful speech, all the men clapped.
**************************
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.
8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do.
*******************************
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
***************************
There are three men that are construction workers, a mexican, an african american, and a white blond man. They were all sitting on a bridge getting ready to eat their lunch. The mexican man says "if i have turkey again i'll jump off this bribge and kill myself!"The african american says "if i have ham again i'll jump off this bridge and kill myself!" The white blond man says "if i have tuna again i'll jump off this bridge and kill myself!" They all had the same thing for lunch so they all jumped off the bridge.
At the funeral, the mexican and the african americans wives were saying "im sorry i didnt pack you a different lunch!"
Everyone turned to look at the blond mans wife and she said "dont look at me he packed his own lunch!!"
************************
One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot. So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do." So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!" No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"
**************************
500 prostitues were polled "Would you ever have sex with Bill Clinton?" 60% said "Never again.
***********************************
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
************************
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
**************************
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' *Teacher Faints.
**************************
Three nuns were attending a hockey game and three men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, one of the guys decided that the nuns might move if they got annoyed.
In a very loud voice he said, "I think I'll move to Utah. I hear they have only 100 nuns in the whole state."
One of his buddies, picking up on the cue said, "I think I'll move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, " I hear they only have 25 nuns in Idaho."
One of the nuns turned around and in a calm, sweet voice said, Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there."
**************************
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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a woman walks in to a dry cleaners. the casheer is slightley hard of hearing, and when she says, "just the regular" he says, "come again?" and the woman replies embarassed, "no, no, this time its mustard."
******************
One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one ****.
I tella her I wanna two ****; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two **** on my plate. She say you betta no **** on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock -
She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table.
She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.
So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet.
So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say
you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!
I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!
*********************************
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
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NEW brand name condoms(with catchy slogans)
Tesco condoms - every little helps
Nike condoms - just do it
Peugeot condoms- the ride of your life
KFC condoms- Finger licking good
Ever Ready condoms- keeps going and going!
Pringles condoms-once you pop u cant stop
Burgerking condoms- Home of the whopper
Andrex condoms- soft, strong and very long
Polo condoms- the one with the hole........ oh f**k!
**********************
The teacher is posing puzzles for one of her first-grade boys:
Q. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
A. Pockets.
Q. What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?
A. Coconut.
Q. What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and sticky?
A. Bubblegum.
Q. What word starts with an F and ends in K that means lots of heat and excitement"
A. Fire Truck.
and finally...
Q. A finger goes in me, you fiddle with me when you're bored, and the best man always has me first?
A Wedding Ring.
********************
HOW TO GET A LIFE
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.
Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years
Here's How:
Let go of the mouse.
Turn off the computer.
Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
Eat something other than taco chips.
Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.
Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.
Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
************************
esus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
****************************
Knott and Watt Please don't confuse urself by reading this 'confusing' conversation, in a confused mood.......Read at ur leisure... Telephone conversation of William Knott and Mr Watt. Knott: "Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone. Watt : "Watt." Knott: "What is your name, please?" Watt : "Watt's my name." Knott: "That's what I asked you. What's your name?" Watt
: "That's what I told you. Watt's my name." A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?" Knott: "No, this is Knott." Watt : "Please tell me your name." Knott: "Will Knott." YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED... Watt : " Why not?" Knott: " Huh? What do you mean why not?" Watt : " Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?" Knott: " But I told you my name!" Watt : "Didn't you say you will not?" Knott: " Not not, knott, Will Knott!" Watt : "That's what I mean." Knott: "So you know my name." Watt : "Of course not!"
**************************************...
This drunk man comes home, and at the front door, his wife is standing there. She is really ticked off. She yells, 'Where the hell have you been!?!? You've kept me up most of the night!!! Where the hell were you!?!?'
Then the guy says, 'Don't scream. I was at this great new bar. Called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is gold. The tables, the seats, the bar, the stools, the cups. Hell, even the urinals are golden.'
Frustrated, the woman looks in the phone-book, and find the Goldne Saloon. She calls them and says is it true you have golden tables, seats, bars, stools, and cups?'
'Why yes we do ma'am'
'You even have golden urinals?'
'Hold on a minute' then the guy yells, HEY BOB. I THINK WE HAVE A LEAD ON WHO WENT ON YOUR SAXOPHONE!
**************************************...
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
**************************************
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
**************************************
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!"
**************************************...
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise?
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
**************************************...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
**************************************...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
**********************************
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
**************************************...
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."
**************************************...
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
**************************************...
New inventions by blondes:
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
the underwater hair dryer
**************************************...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
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how about these?