whoever tells me the funniest joke gets ten points?

Question

try to make them short ones and not a full page

Answer 1

Doctor is feeling bad for having slept with a patient. He has the classic angel & devil over his shoulder.



Devil: Don't worry, every doctor sleeps with a patient some time it's not uncommon!



Angel: Dave... You're a f**king vet!

Answer 2

A lion awoke one morning feeling rather rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "who's mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "you're, amazing lion! "Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "who's the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh super lion, you're via a ways the mightiest animal interior the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers as much as an elephant and roars, "who's mightiest of all jungle animals?" speedy as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion along with his trunk, slams him against a tree a million/2 a dozen cases. The lion feeling like it would been run over via a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it appeared like a corn tortilla and ambled away. The lion permit loose a moan of discomfort, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "merely because of fact you don't be attentive to the respond, you do no longer could desire to get so annoyed."

Answer 3

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a

house

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the

dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a

Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"



The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk

when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS

about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I

knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed

up

for a

job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near

suspicious

characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings

and

was

awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies,

and

now

I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

he goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the Newfie says.

"Ten dollars? Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that sh.it!"

Answer 4

Yo momma is so fat, that when she jumped for joy..... she got stuck!



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Answer 5

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?

A: Because his pecker is on his head!



Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.



Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?

A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Answer 6

An Englishman, an Irishman, A Scotsman, an Indian, a Jamaican, An Israeli, A Pakistani and a Welshman walk into a bar.



The Barman says "Is this some sort of Joke"

Answer 7

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.



He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?

Answer 8

ok hold on is a little long but very funny



guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.



The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.



The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"



Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction.



But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.



Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.



All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.



He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.



"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.



The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

Answer 9

a man driving down the road gets pulled over.

the police says "your drunk"

driver says "thank god for that i thought the steering had gone!"



why did the rooster cross the road?...

to proove he wasnt a chicken.

it was the chickens day off.

he was glued to the chicken.

Answer 10

A little old lady is the defendant in a court case. The prosecutor asked her what happened on the day in question?

"Well" the little old lady replies, "I was sitting in the sun on my porch when this young piece of eye candy comes and sits besides me and starts massaging my leg."

"What did you do?" asks the prosecutor.

"Nothing" says the little old lady, "my leg hadn't felt that good in years."

"Then what happened". "Well, then he started massaging my breasts." "Oh, did you stop him or cry for help?" asks the prosecutor.

"No, I hadn't had anyone do that to me since my Charley died, thirty years ago - it felt real good".

"So then what happened?" the prosecutor asked.

"Well, I laid back and said to the young man, Come and get me, I'm ready".

"And did he?" asked the fascinated prosecutor.

"No," the little old lady said, "He said, laughing, "April Fool"

"and I got so mad I pulled out my piece and shot him in the head, dead."

Answer 11

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance



Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy



Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair



Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage



Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits



Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production



Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion



Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime



A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.



A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.



A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.



To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women somehow deteriorate overnight.



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.



A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.



Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.



Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.



A woman has the last word in any argument.



Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Answer 12

My grand father died in a nazi concentration camp



He drunk a whole bottle of vodka and fell out of his watch tower

Answer 13

Bit disgusting so those who are easily offended dont read any further.



There were two gay men living together.

One dies.

So the other decides to make a curry out of him.

When asked why.

The man replies "so i can feel him dribble out my a r s e one last time"

Answer 14

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Answer 15

this one girl goe sover her bfs house to meet his parents. They have this one dog whos name is skippy. So they are eating dinner and the girl needs to fart. so she farts and then the dad looks at the dog who wa under the table and says Skippy!! so the girl smiles because nobody knew it was her so then she needs to fart again so she farts and once again the dad loks at the dog and says Skippy. THen a couple of mins later she needs to fart again. So this time she farts super loud and the dad looks at the dog and says Skippy get away from there before she shits on u!!

Answer 16

what is the deferents between a poor person and a rich person? 1 when a rich person goes to a bank he or she is counted. and the poor person is a bank robber! 2nd when a rich man goes to a strip club he is looking for a lap dance ... when a poor person goes in to a strip club he is looking for female family member! haaa

Answer 17

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet.













Hide and seek champion, 1995

Answer 18

A man buys a donkey and is told that Alleluia means go and amen means stop. He sets off and comes to the edge of a cliff and forgets the word for stop. He prays and says amen. The donkey stops... He's so overjoyed that he yells ALLELUIA and he falls of the cliff :)

Answer 19

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.



'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'



'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.



He glanced at the menu and asked:



'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of w ine?'



'A nickel,' the barman replied.



'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.



'Where's the guy who owns this place?'



The bartender replied:



'Upstairs, with my wife.'



The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs



with your wife?'



The bartender replied:



'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

Answer 20

What did the egg say to the boiling water?





It'll take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid!

Answer 21

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad. Not screaming like the other passengers.

Answer 22

hope you understand



this kid was wondering what was what his mother had under and his mother said "a roster son a roster" and then he told his dad what was that , that he had under there and he said "a roster son a roster" then later that month his parent were having fun and the kid was looking threw a hole on the door and his brother said "what are you looking at!?" and the kid said a "roster fight" so the kids brother said "stop looking" and the kid said "wait moms roster is eating dads roster"

Answer 23

slept like a log last night ...



woke up in the fire place

Answer 24

there was a dime and penny they were walk down a street and they saw a brigde the penny jump off why didnt the dime?????





cause.. he had more cents lol LMAO!!!!!

Answer 25

Mary and Joseph are in a Chinese restaurant.

Mary says to Joseph "Joseph, are there any Jews in China"

Joseph says "I do not know. Let's ask the waiter."

The waiter comes over, and they ask him. He goes to check.

He comes back. "Sorry, there are no Chinese jews."

Joseph says "Are you sure?"

So the waiter goes back and checks again.

He comes back to the table and says," sorry sir, we have no chinese jews. We have apple jews, orange jews, prune jews, and grape jews, but no Chinese jews."

Answer 26

two men walk into a bar, which is really stupid because the second one should have ducked.

Answer 27

Two sausages are frying in a pan.



One sausage says to the other, "Wow, it's sure hot in here."



The other sausage screamed, "AHHHH! A talking sausage!"



OR



What kind of bee produces milk?



a Boobie!

Answer 28

What did the zero say to the eight?



Nice Belt



heyooooooooo

Answer 29

A nun is in the bath when there is a knock on the door.

'Who is it?' she calls.

'It's the blind man,' came the reply.

'OK, come on in,' she says.

The man walks in, says 'Nice boobs, where shall I hang this blind?'

Answer 30

A woman can make a man millionare in 1 day just when the men was a billionare before



hahahahaah

Answer 31

Q: What's better than winning the Special Olympics?





A: Not being retarded.

Answer 32

i may not be fred flinston but i sure can make your bed rock

Answer 33

A man and a woman met, got married and never had a single argument.





or





https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20080126084152AALnZg0

Answer 34

how do you tell the difference between a professional prostitute a experianced prostitute and a beginner?? the beginner spits, the experianced swallows and the professional gargles

Answer 35

fizzdude is the new andrex toilet paper advert

Answer 36

You are lying on the beach and Michael Jackson comes to stand in front of you, what do you say? Get out of my son.

Answer 37

How do you make holy water?

















You boil the hell out of it!!!!







Okay that joke is not funny, but I just heard it today and had to put it here!

Answer 38

Two guys walk into a bar,



The third one ducks...

Answer 39

Hey. My grandfather always said "Don't watch your money, watch your health". So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. XD

Answer 40

ur mommas so fat, i had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side

Answer 41

what does a blonde buy in subway...........5$ for a foot long

Answer 42

your mama is so fat not even dora can explor her

Answer 43

every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal

Answer 44

whats yellow and black and full of **** ?

















A netto carrier bag !

Answer 45

how do you make a tissue dance?



























you put some boogie into it!!!!!!!!!

Answer 46

yo mama. ;P