you have to read them all, they are all hilarious
A 60-year-old couple are celebrating their 40th wedding annivesary.During the celebrations a fairy appears and
says that,since they have been such a loving couple,she'll give them each 1 wish.The wife wishes to travel the world.The fairy waves her wand and poof!She has a handful of tickets.Next,it's the husband's turn.He pauses for a moment,then says,"I'd like to have a woman 30years younger than me."So the fairy picks up her wand and poof!He's 90
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*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* I intend to live forever - so far so good.
* Borrow money from a pessimist - they don’t expect it back.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
*The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
* When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
* If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
* Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
* Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember half the people you know are below average.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
* Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.
* Learning is not compulsory… neither is survival.
* Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
* A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
* A technical objection is the first refuge of a scoundrel.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
*-***************************
You have Bin Laden, Hitler and a lawyer in the same room. You have a gun with only two bullets what do you do.
Shoot the lawyer twice.
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A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
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Well a mother and her child were walking in the park. The baby saw two teenagers having sex so she asked her mom wat they were doing Her mother repiled making a cake. So then one morning the kid said to her mother"Ur cake is great" Her mother repiles" I didn't bake a cake" The kids says "yes u did with dad last night, I should know I licked the icying"
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There are three men trying to get into heaven but God only has room for one. So he says, "the one of you who died most tragically will be accepted." So he turns to the first and asks, "how did you die?"
"Well," the man says. "I live on the 15th story of my apartment building and I was doing yoga outside on my balcony. Suddenly, a strong wind blew me over the side, but I was able to cling to a balcony railing on the 10th story. Then a man came out yelling and tried to pull my fingers off his railing. I held tight, so he took a hammer and started to hit my hands til i fell. I landed in some bushes and was still alive, but then I got a refrigerator thrown on top of me, and thats how I died."
"Wow," God said. "That was very tragic indeed." He then turns to man #2. "So how did you die?"
"Well, he started. I live on the 10th story of my apartment building. I can home from work and saw my wife dart away through the house naked. I became supspicous that she was
cheating, so I searched the house for the other man. Then I found him, hanging from my balcony, so I tried to pry off his hands but he wouldnt fall. then i took a hammer to his hands, and he fell off, but he still didnt die. then i threw a refrigerator on top of him, but I was so depressed, I hanged myself. and that's how I died."
"Wow," said God. Turning to the last man, he asked his story.
"Well," he started. "I was hiding in a refrigerator, naked, and I was thrown over the side of a building..."
Haha not sure if you enjoyed that one but I do... so now its your turn--what are your faves?
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LITTLE JOHNNY IS AT IT AGAIN! A grade school teacher in Kentucky > asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put > up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw > his pet sheep. It was fascinating. " The teacher said, "That was good, but > I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not
'fascinating' ." Sally > raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see
Rock City and I was > fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good
Sally, but I > wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'. " Little Johnny was
frantically > raising his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by > Little Johnny before, but finally decided there was no way he could
damage > the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My Aunt
Gina > has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breast are so big she can only >
fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.
***********************************
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and
better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was
shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter
and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon.
As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It
suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of
another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing
there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a ****."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."
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A guy picked up a woman at a bar one night and took her home. On the way, she asked him if he had aids. He told her he didn't. At his house she asked again if he had aids, and he assured her that he didn't. In bed, after they had begun to remove their clothes, she stopped and turned to him.
"You're sure you don't have aids?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm sure," he told her, getting a bit annoyed. She finally stopped talking, and they had sex for hours, doing everything imaginable. Afterwards they were laying there in bed and she snuggled up to him.
"Look," she said, " It's too late now, so you might as well tell me if you have aids."
"I told you I don't have aids," he almost yelled.
"Oh, thank god," she sighed, "I wouldn't want to get that again."
******************************************
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.
The teacher noticed the fly sitting on the grade book, so she smacked it with a ruler. But, the fly didn't fly away, so she smacked the grade book once again. Again, the fly didn't fly away.
This drove the teacher mad, so she started to pound the grade book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book quickly amounted to nothing more than a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, the embarrassed teacher realized what had happened.
That afternoon, the teacher called Little Johnny's father to school., "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing," remarked Little Johnny's father., "Last week, he drew a naked woman on the fence in our yard and I've been pulling splinters out of my d1ck ever since!"
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7 kinds of sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self
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God was just about done creating humans, but He had 2 parts left over.He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place--first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried if he could hit a stump 10 ft away laughing w/delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement, and then God said to Eve,"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
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If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
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A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money? "the officer asked.
"I guess I"ll go to driving school and get my license, " the man answered.
"Don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat. "he's a smart alect when he is drunk."
This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in Spanish, "are we over the border yet?"
*******************************************
There is this guy who has a 25 inch ****. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his **** smaller. He needs it to be smaller because he can't please the ladies because it is just too big. He went on to explain that he had not found a lady yet who likes it and he himself got no pleasure from it.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his **** will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his **** shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys **** shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his **** is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog, becoming impatient snaps back:
How MANY times do I have to TELL you NO, NO, NO!!!
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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep heroccupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a
store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,
nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****.'" "So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ffucking deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop! The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door. " The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and
a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, back in your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
agreed to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ****, my ppussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my ppussy!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before! After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license,and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her ppussy, and wouldn't stop screwing her. The officer looked at her for a second, and then scoffingly said "Yea, right! !. Voodoo ****, my aass!"
***************************************
Little Sarah had a big smile on her face as she and her mother arrived home from school "darling what are you so happy about look at your lovely smile"asked sarahs mother
"Johnny showed me his willie in class today" said little sarah "J j johnny showed you his er..willie did he?"sarahs mother asked nervously " YES and it reminded me of a Peanut" replied sarah "oh Ha ha ha That small was it? " a relieved sarahs mother asked " NO..it was Salty " sarah replied
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
****************************************
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
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A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
******************************
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
********************************
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
***************************
A rabbi and a priest walk into airport and wanted to get some tickets to go to Pittsburgh for a church event. While the priest waited on a bench the rabbi went to go buy the tickets. The woman waiting at the counter happened to have huge jugs. The rabbi started to get nervous. When the woman said “Can I help you sir?” he couldn't say a word. Finally he said “C-c-could I g-get two pickets to Titsburgh?” After he realized what he said, he felt horrible. When he went back, the priest asked where the tickets were. After telling the priest what had happened, the priest said “It’s OK, everyone gets nervous sometimes. Just sit here on this bench and I will get the tickets.” So the priest went up to the woman and said very calmly, “May I please get two tickets to Pittsburgh?” After getting his tickets, she said “That will be $47 sir.” The priest gave her a fifty dollar bill. After this he said, “Oh, could you please give me my change in nipples and dimes?”
*********************************
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
******************************
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!” Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!” Early that evening, Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny’s mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”
********************************
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None.”, replied Johnny,”cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.” Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you’re thinking!”
*******************************
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.” Johnny’s mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…” Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, “Now take off my skirt…” He removed her skirt. “Take off my bra…” which he did. “And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.” When Johnny had finished removing his mother’s panties, she said, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!
**************************************
One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class, "Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." teacher said, "Anyone else?"
"How about a lollipop?" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"
The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer.
Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
******************************
The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class
the following question,
" What is bright red and shiny?"
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire engine !!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you think. Anyone else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy
except Johnny of course (well he has to be otherwise there wouldn't
be a punch line to this joke).
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to
which she nodded OK. " What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at
one end? "
JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, " No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you
think !"
*********************************
A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little
Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman
says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
carpet and says, "What do you think?"
************************
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the
end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone
on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing
a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his
father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and
said, "Well, what are you doing? ******* them?"
***************************
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have
to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress
in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats
when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to
women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other
eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a
talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she
doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
*****************************
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the
class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and
anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the
following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many
grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could
answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are
in the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would
somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them
black.The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the
end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's
question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls
rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who
find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts
laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"
****************************
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!"
*****************************
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******".
********************************
Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag
She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.
Then he says now let me give you one.
He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.
The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.
Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.
**********************
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
************************
Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
********************************
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
****************************
It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."
*********************************
This Nun gets on a bus and sits down then a guy comes on the bus and sits near her and see's how hot she is! So he hits on her....... but shes rejecting him cause shes all into god and ****........ the nun gets off the bus and so does that guy..... the bus driver looks at him and says you want to bang that dont you..... the man says oh yea! so the bus driver says go to the pittston cemetary by the jesus statue tonite at Midnite she will be there praying dress up as jesus then jump out of the bushes and say haha im jesus have sex with me to clense your soul......... so he goes to the cemetary by the jesus statue and there she is prayin so he jumps out of the bushes.... and says Haha im jesus have sex with me to clense your soul....... so hes there railing that nun hard.... and then he rips off is mask and says haha im the man from the bus the nun rips off her mask and says haha im the bus driver
************************
A big tough Mexican man
A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following ground rules:
"Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"
His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
******************************
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
**************************
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the door, put him in, close the door.
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, close the door.
All the animals in the kingdom are at a meeting. Who will be the last animal to arrive at the meeting?
The elephant, he has to get someone to help him out of the refrigerator.
You must cross a river that is infested with crocodiles. You cannot use a bridge, boat, or any other form of transportation. How do you get across?
You swim, the crocodiles are still at the meeting.
*****************************
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
**************************
A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
**************************
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your *** before the day was over."
********************************
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
**************************
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
***********************
An American guy is driving his new convertible thru Paris and he sees some french girls and he says "Do you want a ride in my car?" They said oui, oui. and he said "Not in my car you won't" and drove away
**********************
A blonde and a red head are watching the 9 o'clock news when they get breaking news that a guy is about to jump off a building. The red head bets the blonde that the guy will jump and the blonde bets he won't for 50 bucks...5 min watching it the guy jumps and the red head wins. while she is walking out she tells the blonde that she cannot accept the money on the count that she saw the same thing on the 5 o'clock news. The blonde tells the red head that she also saw it on the 5 o'clock news...the red head asks the Blonde why she bet that the guy wouldn't jump if she already knew. and the blonde replies "o i just didn't think he'd be stupid to do it twice"
********************************
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
************************
When the very first man discovered that cows have milk... what do you think he was doing?!
****************************
A white man, a black man and a Indian went to the top of the Empire State building to judge who had the longest hose.
The white man spoke up and said, "I'll go first", so, he unzips and lets it over the side. Looking down he spoke up and said "10 stories". The Indian said, I'm next, so, he unzips and over the side it goes. Looking down, he says, "15 stories". As these guys were pulling up their manhood, they were wondering why the black man hasn't said anything and the white man yelled over to the black man and said, Why are you dancing? The black man replied, "I'm not, I'm dodging traffic"
*********************************
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it ok if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
Is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
M AN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
Him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and says "does anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?
i like the second one!
*************************
Q . what sexual position produces the ugliest children
A. Ask Your Mother
**************************
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog
"Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his
license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He
said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He
said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't
understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have
been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for
sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The
Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in
the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you
don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He
called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The
judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had
left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley
at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...
******************************
A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the mens restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. Sir, she said, the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldnt just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The mens restroom didnt have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!
You pushed one too many buttons, replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. That last button marked ATR is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.
**********************
A gross one, and not all that good, but here goes....
A Frenchmen is calmly having his breakfast when an American (noisily chewing gum) sits beside him.
The Frenchman ignores the American who (not happy about this) starts a conversation.
American: "Do you eat the whole bread?"
French (in a bad mood): "Of course!"
American: "We don't. We only eat what is inside and the outside we put together in a container, recycle it, transform it into croissants and sell it to France."
The French listens in silence.
The American insists: "Do you eat the bread with jam?"
French (now more annoyed): "Of course!"
American: "We don't. We eat fresh fruit for our breakfast, put all the seed and the rest in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France."
The Frenchman then asks: "And what do you do with condoms once you used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course!"
French: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform them into chewing gum and sell it to America."
************************
Three old ladies were out having a smoke
soon is begins to rain
two of the old ladies cigarettes went bad, but one didn't
The two ladies asked her "whats that you got your cigarette in?"
The old lady looks and shrugs " A condom"
One of the other old ladies asks her "where can I get me one of those?
She answers " I got mine at the drug store"
The next day the other old lady goes to the drug store. She looks around not sure what isle it will be in. A young man about 19 was working and he thought the old lady looked lost.
He walks up to her "can I help you?"
she says "i'm looking for a condom."
The young man was curious "why would grandma here want a condom"
But he said nothing and showed her the isle
She looked confused, there were so many to choose from.
So he tried to help her out "are you looking for a certain size? maybe a flavored one?"
She says "i'm just looking for one that will fit a camel "
**************************
Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Surprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ******* just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
**************************
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the
lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my
glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to
the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."
**************************
* Nike Condoms: Just do it.
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
* Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
* Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
* Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
* Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
* Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
* Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
* Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
* Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
* California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
* Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
* EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
* KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
* Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
* Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today?
* Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
* Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
* Timex: Takes a licking and keep on ticking.
* McDonald's: Over 1 billion served.
* Volkswagon: Drivers wanted.
* Porsche: There is no substitute
* What was that brand of women's high heel shoe?: Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker.
* Quaker Oats: Do the right thing.
* Life Cereal: He Like's It! He Like's It!
* Johnson & Johnson: No more tears...
* Wheaties Condoms: Condom of Champions
*Honycomb:Big Mouths
wanted
**********************
Mary, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her
heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
your left breast. Why do you ask?"
She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mary was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
**************************
A man wants to buy a car. He goes to a car dealership. He is looking at all of the cars when he sees one that looks so much better than any other. He looks inside the car and sees that it has no steering wheel. He calls the car dealer over and asks why it is. The car dealer replies, "You see, this car is futuristic. It is voice controlled. Directions are easy, you simply say: left, right, or back. But the starting and stopping of the car is tricky. To start it you say Thank God, and to stop it you say Oh ****."
So the man buys it and goes on a trip. He gets really used to the controls and is having fun. Suddenly, he sees a huge cliff ahead of him. He tries to say the words for "stop" or “back", but he cant remember them. He starts panicking and shouting random words. "Stop. Stop car. Please stop." By now he is about to go off the cliff. "Oh ****" and the car stops. “Thank God".
***************************
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.
"Idiot!" The Taliban shouted, " I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jewish
man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate
me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that dune to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the
hill.....................................
Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f*cking brother won't let me in
without a tie."
************************
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for teatime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'!
At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story. 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Moral for women:
*Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!*
**************************
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Norma referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not Have a Headache I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'."
"It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back.."
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and
jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never
before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday
********************
6 Truths of life:?
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie
4. You're smiling now, because your an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. there's still a stupid smile on your face!!
******************************
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
*************************
funny names…(real people)
shithead
(pernounced shi-theee-ed) lol!
harry *****
Hugh Jass
**************************
A man comes home one day and finds a gorilla on his roof, so he calls animal control and the guy shows up with a ladder,a stick,a chihuahua,a pair of handcuffs,a rope and a pistol.The home owner asks "What in the world is all this stuff?"The animal control guy says"Oh,it's simple,I climb the ladder and take the stick and knock the gorilla off your roof,when he hits the ground the chihuahua's been trained to bite him in the nads,when he goes to remove the chihuahua, I handcuff him,tie him up and haul him off,I do this all the time".The home owner says"I got to see this,hey,wait a minute, what's the pistol for?".The animal control guy says"Well,in case the gorilla knocks me off the ladder,I want you to shoot that chihuahua!".
*******************************
My wife came in the house after work to find me with a fly swater. " Are you killing any ?" she asked... I said " ya, three males and two females." She thought about that for a few seconds and asked " how do you tell which sex they are?" I told her " three on a beer can, and two on the phone!"
************************
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
**************************
Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think after the first one, the other two would have ducked.
**********************
A nurse is working in the maternity ward, and stops to check on a newborn. "Hello, little sweetie," she coos. The baby looks back and says, "Hi there, lady."
The nurse is startled. "Where did *you* come from?"
The baby says, "Well, my parents had intimate relations, I spent nine months gestating inside Mom, and here I am."
The nurse asks, "How old are you?" The baby replies, "Two days." She asks, "How do you know all this stuff?" The baby just looks at her and says, "Hey, I wasn't born yesterday."
**************************
jack and jill went up the hill to get some marujana. Jack got high, droped his fly, and said do you wanna, jill said yes, dropped her dress, and then they had some fun. silly jill forgot her pill and now they have a son
*************************
There was this woman who bought a mansion. She said she will name it after anything she hears. She heard these kids saying hairy butt hairy butt. So she named her mansion hairy butt.
The woman then had a baby. She said she will name it after anything she hears. She went outside to take a walk and then stepped on a leaf. It went crack so the woman named her baby crack.
One day the baby was missing. She went to the police and said," Officer, Officer! I searched all over my hairy butt, but I can't find my crack!
****************************
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Bobby, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted....
***********************
On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
"I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man" she tells her new hubby.
The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers ...well maybe!
Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.
Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asked his bride.
"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"
The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband.
Well we would do it again!
Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.
So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!
"NO, says the exhausted hubby"!
"Well who are you calling then, she asks."
I'm calling Tiger Woods...
I want to see what par is for this hole!
****************************
A man was travelling on a train in a sleeper car. A beautiful woman comes into the car and says that she thought this was her car. It turns out the train is full, so the man suggests they share, but not to worry, he'll take the upper bunk and she won't even know he's there.
In the middle of the night, the man wakes up and says to the woman "My pillow is lumpy. Is there an extra?". She's very sweet and gets it. Later he says "I'm cold. Would you be kind enough to get the extra blanket in the car?
She replies very sweetly "You know, here we are a man and a woman travelling alone, but thrown together and you're not comfortable. Why don't don't we pretend like we're married for tonight?" The man is excited by this idea and says "Great."
The woman says "OK honey, get up and get the damn blanket yourself!".
************************
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes
to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What
took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in
bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second
opinion!"
********************
There's a farmer nearby who's rumored to have 4 beautiful daughters.....
One by one, the boys show up at his house....
- 'Evening sir. My name's Lance, I'd love to take your daughter France to the dance...is there a chance?
Farmer looks at him up and down, thinks to himself -he's in the army, can't be all bad. ....allright.
Accepts under the condition he bring her back by midnight.
Second guy shows up.
Good evening sir, name's Blair, I'd like to take your daughter Claire to the fair, is she there?
Same deal, no worries, just no hanky panky and bring her back by midnight.....
Third guy :
Hi, I'm Ray, I want to take your daughter Faye to the play, is that okay??.....
- No funny stuff-back by midnight.....
-Yes sir!....
The forth bloke shows up
- Hi my name's Tucker.......
And the farmer shot him......
******************************
10 ways to annoy a roommate!
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
***********************************
Do you work for UPS?
... because I see you checking out my package.
******************************
Little johnny's neighbor had a new baby and it was born with no ears. Little Johnny's Mom was taking him to see the new baby but she warned little Johnny to not mention the baby not having ears and made him promise. Once they were there and little Johnny was beside the baby crib he said ' he sure has cute little feet and a sweet smile and pretty eyes but can he see'? 'Yes' said the baby's Mother, the Doctor says he has 20/20 vision. 'That's great' said little Johnny 'coz if he ever needs glasses he is sh*t outta luck'
******************************
ok so a lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
***************************
Boy: You are so flat.
Girl: Well that zipper doesn't look too full.
**************************
there is a plane going 2 nyc and this blonde grl has a 2nd class ticket but she goes to the 1st class section and when she is asked to go back to her seat because she is in the other grl's seat she says im blonde and shes brunette im staying!! she is asked to leave a couple more times and all she will say is im blonde and im beautiful and im going to nyc
the brunette grl then goes to one of the flight attendants and whispers sumthing 2 her
she goes back to the blonde grl after everyone sits down and she says i dont mean to embarrase u but first class isnt going 2 nyc were headed to the big apple
the blonde grl blushes and runs back to her original seat
*****************************
A blonde is driving past a field when shes sees another blonde rowing a rowboat in the middle of the field. She stops, gets out of her car, and yells to the other blonde, "It's blonde's like you that give us a bad name! If i could swim i would come and kick your ***!"
***************************
3 men who just died showed up at the pearly gates. st peter says to them, "now heavens a big place. before you get in, you have to answer one simple question." he asks the first man "how many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?" the man replies, "only 4 times sir, but they all took place in the beginning of our marriage, and we talked and worked it out. i've been faithful ever since." "good, thats alright, but since you were unfaithful to your wife in the biginning, im only gonna give you a toyota camry to get around heaven". the man takes it and drives off. peter askes the same question to the second man, to which he replies, "only once, sir, and we also worked it out." peter says to him, "thats very good! here, have a lincoln." the man drives away into heaven. finally, peter askes the question to the third man. the man replies, "never in my life have i even considered looking at another woman. i have been completely faithful." "WOW! thats amazing", peter replies. "have a mercedes sportscar!" the man happily drives off. a few days later, the two men with the camry and lincoln come across the man with the mercedes. hes sitting on the ground, sobbing. "whats wrong?" they ask. he says, "well, my wife just had a heart attack, and came to heaven today. she was riding around on a skateboard!"
***************************
this man dies and goes to hell. he is meet by the devil himself who takes him for a tour of hell. the devil asks the man to pick a room that he want to spend 2000 yrs in, passing each room, more terrifying than the next, they come to a room were a hot blond is giving hard oral to a musty old drunken hillbilly. the man say this room will do just fine, and the devil asks are you sure it lasts for 2000 yrs. the man again replies yes i am sure. so the devil looks at the blond and says okay honey, you can go now we have your replacement.
**************************
wat happens when u get scared half to death twice?
*****************************
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
************************
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
****************************
lg= little girl d = dad
lg bad person touched me
d wt did he do
lg took of my cloths
d like this
lg ohh yes daddy
d that dosnt make somone a bd person
lg but then he rubbed my breastes to gether
d like this
lg oooooh yh yh lik that
d that dosnt make somone a bd person
lg but then he opend my hole thing and started licking it
d lik' di'ss
lg uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, brath yh
d ok
********************
boy wakes up hears mum and dad havin it
nxt mornin he askes his dad
wt were u doin
dad says
bakin a kake
next night dad hears boy downstairs doin sumthin
in da morn he askes
son wt were u doing
son says
liking the watery icing of the sofa that u left, for sum reason it wasnt sweet, are u sure it was sugar.
dad : O_O
*********************
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
***********************
A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are you having then?"
Man replies, "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee"
The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them and lights up a cigarette.
"So whats the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blo job" replies the man.
"Really how was it?" replies the bartender.
Man replied, "Not too bad but i can still taste it!"
***********************
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
******************************
A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.
'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'
'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'
On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.
'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!'
'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'
The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way.
Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.
'HOLD IT!' says the boyfriend, 'What are you doing?'
'Change of plans!,' shouts the doctor...
'I've decided to drown the little *******!'
***************************
It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"
"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.
Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.
"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"
************************
A bus full of ugly people all died in a horrific accident. When they went to heavon, God said, "Since you lived such a sad life because of your appearences, each of you will get a wish."
So the first person asks to be pretty and POOF, she was gorgeous. The rest liked her idea, so one by one they all asked to be pretty.
When God got to the last boy, the boy was grinning.
God asked, "What's so funny?"
"I wish they were all ugly again!"
*****************************
Q: Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blonds have BMW's?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why did the blond die in a helicopter crash?
A: Because she got cold and turned the fan off.
Q: What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why do blonds wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk".
Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the Doctors?
A: Because she though it was pregnant because it missed a period.
**************************
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
************************************
Blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, Husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind m an thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
Funny huh?
************************
a woman walked into a gas station.shes really fat,greasy,and she keeps yelling and cussing and carrying on about how slow there service is.she pulls her two sons by the collar of there shirts to get them to stop messing around.so shes cursing out the cashier and being downright nasty.so the cashier asks the woman"are your boys twins?"
the lady looks disgusted and says"Why the $#%$^*#$^$^)*(^@$# would you thin they are twins?!?they are 5 years apart!!
the man replied,"well,ma'm,i couldnt imagine anyone who would want to shag with you twice!"
*********************
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
**************************
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but
after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and
then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
******************************
Eleven people, ten men, one woman, were holding onto a rope dangling from a helicopter. The rope was starting to split, so someone must let go or else they will all die. They couldn't decide who would let go until the woman talked about sacrificing youself for the benefit of others and all that. After that beautiful speech, all the men clapped.
**************************
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.
8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do.
*******************************
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
***************************
There are three men that are construction workers, a mexican, an african american, and a white blond man. They were all sitting on a bridge getting ready to eat their lunch. The mexican man says "if i have turkey again i'll jump off this bribge and kill myself!"The african american says "if i have ham again i'll jump off this bridge and kill myself!" The white blond man says "if i have tuna again i'll jump off this bridge and kill myself!" They all had the same thing for lunch so they all jumped off the bridge.
At the funeral, the mexican and the african americans wives were saying "im sorry i didnt pack you a different lunch!"
Everyone turned to look at the blond mans wife and she said "dont look at me he packed his own lunch!!"
************************
One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot. So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do." So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!" No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"
**************************
500 prostitues were polled "Would you ever have sex with Bill Clinton?" 60% said "Never again.
***********************************
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
************************
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
**************************
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' *Teacher Faints.
**************************
Three nuns were attending a hockey game and three men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, one of the guys decided that the nuns might move if they got annoyed.
In a very loud voice he said, "I think I'll move to Utah. I hear they have only 100 nuns in the whole state."
One of his buddies, picking up on the cue said, "I think I'll move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, " I hear they only have 25 nuns in Idaho."
One of the nuns turned around and in a calm, sweet voice said, Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there."
**************************
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
**************************
a woman walks in to a dry cleaners. the casheer is slightley hard of hearing, and when she says, "just the regular" he says, "come again?" and the woman replies embarassed, "no, no, this time its mustard."
******************
One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one ****.
I tella her I wanna two ****; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two **** on my plate. She say you betta no **** on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock -
She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table.
She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.
So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet.
So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say
you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!
I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!
*********************************
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
************************************
NEW brand name condoms(with catchy slogans)
Tesco condoms - every little helps
Nike condoms - just do it
Peugeot condoms- the ride of your life
KFC condoms- Finger licking good
Ever Ready condoms- keeps going and going!
Pringles condoms-once you pop u cant stop
Burgerking condoms- Home of the whopper
Andrex condoms- soft, strong and very long
Polo condoms- the one with the hole........ oh f**k!
**********************
The teacher is posing puzzles for one of her first-grade boys:
Q. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
A. Pockets.
Q. What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?
A. Coconut.
Q. What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and sticky?
A. Bubblegum.
Q. What word starts with an F and ends in K that means lots of heat and excitement"
A. Fire Truck.
and finally...
Q. A finger goes in me, you fiddle with me when you're bored, and the best man always has me first?
A Wedding Ring.
********************
HOW TO GET A LIFE
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.
Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years
Here's How:
Let go of the mouse.
Turn off the computer.
Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
Eat something other than taco chips.
Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.
Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.
Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
************************
esus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
****************************
Knott and Watt Please don't confuse urself by reading this 'confusing' conversation, in a confused mood.......Read at ur leisure... Telephone conversation of William Knott and Mr Watt. Knott: "Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone. Watt : "Watt." Knott: "What is your name, please?" Watt : "Watt's my name." Knott: "That's what I asked you. What's your name?" Watt
: "That's what I told you. Watt's my name." A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?" Knott: "No, this is Knott." Watt : "Please tell me your name." Knott: "Will Knott." YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED... Watt : " Why not?" Knott: " Huh? What do you mean why not?" Watt : " Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?" Knott: " But I told you my name!" Watt : "Didn't you say you will not?" Knott: " Not not, knott, Will Knott!" Watt : "That's what I mean." Knott: "So you know my name." Watt : "Of course not!"
**************************************...
This drunk man comes home, and at the front door, his wife is standing there. She is really ticked off. She yells, 'Where the hell have you been!?!? You've kept me up most of the night!!! Where the hell were you!?!?'
Then the guy says, 'Don't scream. I was at this great new bar. Called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is gold. The tables, the seats, the bar, the stools, the cups. Hell, even the urinals are golden.'
Frustrated, the woman looks in the phone-book, and find the Goldne Saloon. She calls them and says is it true you have golden tables, seats, bars, stools, and cups?'
'Why yes we do ma'am'
'You even have golden urinals?'
'Hold on a minute' then the guy yells, HEY BOB. I THINK WE HAVE A LEAD ON WHO WENT ON YOUR SAXOPHONE!
**************************************...
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
**************************************
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
**************************************
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
"Crap!"
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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise?
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."
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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
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New inventions by blondes:
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
the underwater hair dryer
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
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how about these?