A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple
of secs..."
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a
book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
"But you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it,
then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SH#T"
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below! (this is pretty good )
***************************
The answer is: 'A Last Name.'
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
Do it yourself.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Southern blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
Moral of the story:
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men... are men.
There was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel
"How come you have your t*ts on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant
"Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says She is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Learn Chinese:
(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift
(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat (don’t know. Some1 figure it out for me pls?)
(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding? (who you hiding)
(English Phrase) See me A.S.A.P.
(Chinese Phrase) Kum Hia Nao (come right now)
(English Phrase) Stupid Man
(Chinese Phrase) Dum Gai (dumb guy)
(English Phrase) Small Horse
(Chinese Phrase) Tai Ni Po Ni (tiny pony)
(English Phrase) I bumped into a coffee table
(Chinese Phrase) Ai Bang Mai Ni (I banged my knee)
(English Phrase) It's very dark in here
(Chinese Phrase) Wai So Dim (Why so dim)
(English Phrase) This is a tow away zone
(Chinese Phrase) No Pah King (no parking)
(English Phrase) I got this for free
(Chinese Phrase) Ai No Pei (I no pay)
2 Hours after the wedding!!
Him: Finally! After all this time waiting!
Her: Will you ever leave me?
Him: No! Don't even say that!
Her: Do you really love me, though?
Him: Of course, I always have and always will.
Her: Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
Him: What?!! How can you even ask that?
Her: So will you always be with me?
Him: Every single hour of every single day.
Her: Would you ever hit me?
Him: Are you mad? Do I look like that kind of person?
Her: Can I trust you?
Him: Yes
Her: My Love!
2 years after the wedding: Read from bottom to top.
you know you live in 2005 when....
1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave
2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) you'd rather look all over the house for tv.
6)your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.
10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5
11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity