can any1 tell me a really funny joke??

Question

i hate it when people tell me jokes and they laugh really hard and i dnt find it funny.

Answer 1

No Speaka de English?



A bus stops and 2 Irish men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation that seems to be English.



The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:



"Emma come first. Den Oi come. Den two asses come together. Oi come once a more! Two asses, they come together again. Oi come again and pee twice. Then Oi come one lasta time."



The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. We don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.



"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? Oi 'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."





$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!!!

Answer 2

You can check out www.dogpile.com In the home page, there is 'joke of the day'. Good Luck!



A man to his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It's already raining.

The man: So what take an umbrella and go.



A man found the answer to the most difficult question ever -

What will come first, Chicken or egg?

what ever you order first, will come first!!





A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except a child.

He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"





Postman (to a man): - I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet

The man: - why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it....



A man & his wife filed an application for Divorce.

Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?

The man replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR



A Teacher lecturing on population:

"In India after every 10 secs a woman gives birth to a kid. "

A man stands up and says- "We must find & stop her!.





A man visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.

The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.

The man goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last words.

And finds It means "You are STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"



A man was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.

His wife asked what you are doing.

He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.





Why did a man cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?

To avoid side effects!!!



Man: where were U born?

Another man: Punjab .

Man: Which part?

Another man: whole body Is born in Punjab!! ".





A man: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.

I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"







A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found another person painting the walls. He was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked him why he was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

he showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"



Once a man was drawing money from ATM, The man behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "

The first man replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" !!!!!



Q:) Why did the a man sleep with a scale?

A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........ !!!







After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Tom Kins starts his Own practice.

He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.

Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!



A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

Answer 3

You are right. After hearing a joke many people do not laugh.

It is because either there is no fun it, or he would have heard it before, or he did not understand the inner sense of the humor, or he will not be in a mood to enjoy it, and the last he may not have a sense of humor. I just received an e-mail criticizing one of my replies regarding jokes, which I quote under:



"Subject: u are not principled



Message: my dear,

I donut like people who do not do things as they are required to be done. When u sit to do something u must be serious about it otherwise the genuineness of the work will go away. There will not be any purity remain when such type of works are done when people doing it are not serious. Hence thinking that life is the name of joy and laughter is true for the situations where the atmosphere supports it. People who laugh and pass useless comments when they are not required to do so and when the atmosphere does not permit to do so are senseless persons and they are a burden to the society and they create unnecessary irritation to others. It is better that such people sit at house instead of joining any serious meetings. One cannot ask others to change his nature. My natures specialty is that I donot always mend myself according to the atmosphere. I meen I go according to the necessity of the occasion. When some people are doing something which they should not do as per the situation how can I be a part of them. Most of the times I do not flow according to the flow of the river. I suffer but I donot compromise. Its easy to say that life is the name of joy and laughing. Should u laugh on the occasion of a funeral, specifically when it is of ur near relative. I am not camparing the situations but I am trying to say that one cannot always laugh and do comedy. So u must be careful in replying such questions. Think and reply and donot advise others to change themselves."

Answer 4

VERY RANDOM....Mitch Hedberg:: (rip) “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.” “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy" “Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo so I ****** up.” “I used to to drugs; I still do, but I used to too.” "I was getting my teeth whitened but then i said forget that, ill just get a tan instead" "I like rice. Rice is great when your hungry and you want 2,000 of something." "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or a really cool opotamus?" "I like to take a toothpick and throw it into the forest and say ‘your home’." “I bought a 2 bedroom house. But its up to me how many bedrooms there are though isn’t it." “I like the escalator 'cause the escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs - Sorry for the Convenience." “When I drive a rental car I don’t know what’s going on with it, right. So a lot of the times Im drive like for 10 miles with the emergency break on. That does say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency break. Its really not an emergency break, it’s a ‘make the car smell funny’ lever.” “Alcoholism is a disease, but its like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.”

Answer 5

A few of mine



Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.



So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.



The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”



So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”



“Sure,” said the stranger.



So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”



This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”



The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”



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Two hungry cannibals are walking through the woods and find a man who recently died. Seizing the opportunity, one cannibal says to the other, “Check this out! You start at the feet and I’ll start at the head and we’ll meet in the middle!”



So the two cannibals start eating. After about 15 minutes one of them stops eating, looks up, and says, “I don’t know about you, but this is great! How you doing?”



The other cannibal answers, “This is great! I’m havin’ a ball!”

The first cannibal replies “Hey, no fair! You’re eating too fast!”



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One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”



Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”



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What is the closest thing to a woman’s period?

Your SALARY… It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn’t come, you are F*CKED!!!



If you like it, 10 points please

Answer 6

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God almighty!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

Answer 7

Do you like this one



A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.





The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."





The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.













The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "





The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....



.

.

.

.

.

.





He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".

Answer 8

Ivor Hugh.... your duck/taxman joke is hilarious :-)

Made me chuckle. Cheers!!

Answer 9

What do a taxman and a duck have in common?



They can both shove their bills up their a*se

Answer 10

Jim: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"

Joe: "I ate some Easter candy."

Jim: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."

Joe: "It will if it's your big brother's candy".

Answer 11

wow you ask and you got it well done a star

Answer 12

you must have the sense of humour first