Here's a bunch. Sorry if any of these were already posted.
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please,” she said. “I could never eat twelve.”
A blonde and a brunette were filling up at a gas station. “I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher,” the brunette said. “Won’t affect me,” the blonde replied. “I always put in $10 worth.”
Two blondes have just finished shopping at the mall. When they get back to their car, they realize that the keys are locked inside. So one of the blondes pulls out a coat hanger and tries to unlock the door. “I can’t seem to get it unlocked,” she says. “Well, you’d better hurry up,” the other blonde says. “It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”
Three blondes were walking through a field and came across some tracks. The first blonde looked down and said, “Those are deer tracks.” The second blonde looked down and said, “No, those are moose tracks.” The third blonde looked down and then they all got run over by a train.
A blonde asked a man what time it was, and he said, “4:45.” Looking puzzled, she replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing. I have been asking that question all day, and I get a different answer each time!”
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you!”
A blonde police officer stops a man for speeding and asks to see his driver’s license. Noticing that she is blonde, he instead pulls out a small pocket mirror and hands it to her. She looks at it and says, “Oh, I’m sorry for pulling you over, I didn’t realize you were a cop, too.”
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLLLOOOO!!! You need to roll up the windows!"
A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally said, “I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”
There was a blonde driving down a country road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car, jumped out, and yelled, “You bimbo, it’s blondes like you who give us all a bad reputation! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!”
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it's me!”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Now the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own head. Her boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don't do it!” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you're next!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh that's easy: W.”
A blonde and a redhead are in a bar one night, watching the 10:00 news. A man is shown threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bets the redhead $50 he won’t jump. The redhead accepts, and sure enough, he does jump. The blonde pulls out $50 and hands it to the redhead. The redhead says, “I can’t accept that, you’re my friend.” But the blonde says, “No, a bet’s a bet.” Then the redhead says, “Look, I have to be honest with you. I saw this on the 6:00 news earlier today, so I can’t take your money.” The blonde says, “Well so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again.”
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, looked at the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smells of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She says yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
One day a blonde got really tired of being made fun of and perceived as stupid for being blonde, so she dyed her hair brown. She later decided to take a drive in the country. After driving around for a while, she noticed a farmer with a large flock of sheep. She got out of her car, walked over to the farmer, and said, “Those sheep are adorable! If I can guess how many you have, can I take one home?” The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said, “Sure, give it a shot.” So the blonde, who looked like a brunette, guessed, “263.” The shepherd replied, “I don’t believe it, but you’re right! Go ahead and pick out any one you like.” So she picked one out and got back in her car. Before she left, the farmer went up to her and said, “If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.
Three blondes are driving to Disneyland. They see a sign that says “Disneyland Left”, so they turn around and go home.
A brunette is jumping up and down on the railroad tracks shouting, “21, 21, 21,” over and over. A blonde comes along and says, “That looks like fun.” She goes over and joins the brunette. They both jump up and down shouting, “21, 21, 21,” until the brunette suddenly jumps aside and the blonde gets run over by a train. Then the brunette gets back up on the tracks and starts jumping again, shouting, “22, 22, 22!”
A blonde is visiting Washington, D.C. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. “Excuse me, officer,” the blonde says, “how do I get to the Capitol building?” The officer says, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.” The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?” The blonde says, “Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 51st bus just went by.”
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the blonde, “PULL OVER!” “NO,” she yelled back, “it's a SCARF!”
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. “Do you know where you were going?” the cop asked. “No,” replied the blonde, “but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people were leaving.”
A blonde and a brunette are walking along a road and suddenly the blonde falls down a manhole. The brunette shouts, “Have you broken anything?” The blonde shouts back, “There’s nothing down here to break.”
One day a man is outside mowing the lawn when he notices his blonde neighbor come out of the house and head straight for the mailbox. She opens it, then slams it shut and storms back inside. A couple minutes later she comes out again, heads for the mailbox, opens it, then slams it shut and storms back inside. A while later she comes out again and does the same thing with the mailbox. The man asks her, “Is something wrong?” “Yes,” she says, “my stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU'VE GOT MAIL!’”
A blonde called the help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. She responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought about it and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
There was a blonde who was having financial problems and needed money, so she went to the park, went up to a boy, and wrote a note that said, “I have kidnapped your son. Please leave $100,000 in a bag by the tree in the park. Sincerely, the blonde.” She pinned the note to the boy’s shirt and told him to go straight home. The next day, the blonde found a bag with the $100,000 and a note that said, “Here’s your money. I can’t believe you would do this to a fellow blonde.”
A blonde needs to make some money, so she decides to go around the neighborhood asking people if they need anything done. She eventually comes up to a huge house. She knocks on the door and a man answers. She asks him if he has anything she could do for some money. He says, “You could paint my porch; I’ll give you $50. You’ll find all the painting materials you need in the garage.” The blonde agrees and gets to work. The man’s wife overhears this and says, “$50? I hope she knows the porch goes all around the outside of the house.” “She should,” the man replies, “she was standing right on it.” Thirty minutes later, the blonde comes out and knocks on the door. The man answers. “Finished already?” he asks her. “Yep,” she replies, “and I had some paint left over so I gave it two coats.” The man is very impressed by this, but as he reaches into his wallet to pay the blonde, she says, “By the way, that’s not a Porch; it’s a Ferrari.”
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asks sympathetically, “What's the matter?” The blonde replies “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says, “Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.” The blonde says, “No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he tells her. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. He rushes out to her, asking, “What's so bad now, are you going to be ok?” “No!” she exclaimed. “I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!”
Two blondes living together decided to save some money and re-side their house themselves. So they went out and bought all the equipment and started. One blonde handed the other the plank which she then attached with some nails. However, while watching the one blonde nailing the boards in, the other noticed that whenever she pulled a nail out of the bag she would look at it and sometimes throw it over her shoulder. So she asked her friend what she was doing, and her friend said, “If I pull a nail out of the bag and it's facing me I throw it away because it's defective.” “It's not defective,” said the other blonde, "it's for the other side of the house.”
A painting contractor was speaking with a brunette about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down, went to window, opened it, and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” The brunette was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The brunette then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?” “I'm sorry,” came the reply, “but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”
One day a blonde decides to go ice fishing and heads off to the nearest frozen lake. Once there she finds a nice spot and begins to cut a hole in the ice when from the sky she hears, “THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!” So she gets her stuff and moves to a new spot and again tries to cut a hole in the ice when again she hears, “THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!” So she moves again and as she is about to cut she hears, “THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!” The blonde looks up and says, “Is that you, God?” “No!” comes the reply. “This is the ice rink manager.”
There were two brunettes and a blonde on an island and they found a lamp, so they rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said he would grant three wishes, one for each of them. So the first brunette said she would like to be home with her family, and POOF she was there. The next brunette said the same thing, and POOF she was there. Then the blonde says, “It's getting kind of lonely, I wish those women were back here with me.”
There were two blondes and a brunette on an island and they found a lamp, so they rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said he would grant three wishes, one for each of them. The first blonde says, “Make me 25% smarter so I can get off this island.” POOF. She swims off the island. The second blonde says, “Make me 50% smarter so I can get off this island.” POOF. She builds a raft and rows off the island. The brunette says, “Just give me a billion dollars, I’ll take the bridge.”
Two blondes went shopping for a Christmas tree. They started early in the morning and looked at trees all day until nightfall. It was getting late, so the first blonde said to the second blonde, “You know, I think it's time we go home, we can't find any good trees.” The second one says, “Yeah I think so, too. I think we should take home the next tree we find whether it has lights on it or not.”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. None of them have their cell phones with them, so they have to walk to civilization. The brunette says, “I’ll bring the water so if we get thirsty, we can have something to drink.” The redhead says, “I’ll bring the food so if we get hungry, we can have something to eat.” The blonde says, “I’ll bring the car door so if it gets too hot, we can roll down the window.”
A blonde was reading a book. “I don’t like this story,” she thought. “There’s no plot and way too many characters.” A brunette walked by and said, “When you’re done, can I use the phone book?”
A blonde was given a dictionary for her birthday. She later confessed that she could not follow the story but at least every word was explained as she went along.
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she screams, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!” The waiter runs over and argues, “That's impossible. The biggest prize being given away is a stereo system!” The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!” By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as one of our prizes.” Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!” The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde, a brunette, the pope, and a pilot are on a plane that is going to crash. There are only three parachutes for the four of them. Noticing this, the pilot and the blonde each quickly grab one and jump off. This leaves the pope and the brunette. The pope turns to the brunette and says, “Look, I’m an old man and you still have most of your life ahead of you. You can take the last parachute.” The brunette replies, “That’s very kind of you, but we still do have two parachutes. That blonde took my backpack.”
A blonde desperately needs to sell her old car, but is having a hard time doing so because it has 250,000 miles on it. She tells her friend, a brunette, about the problem. The brunette says, “I know how you can sell your car more easily, but it’s not legal.” The blonde says, “That’s fine; I’m desperate.” So the brunette gives her the address of a mechanic she knows who will set the odometer to a lower number. She goes to the mechanic, and he sets it to 50,000. A week later, the brunette says, “So, did you sell your car?” The blonde replies, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde and a brunette are at a park. The brunette says, “Look, a dead bird.” The blonde looks up and says, “Where?”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape from jail. As they are climbing over the fence, two cops see them and start chasing them. The brunette sees a barn nearby and says, “We can hide in there.” They go in and find three sacks. Each of them hides in one. Then the cops come in and look around. One of them notices the sacks, and says, “They might be in there.” The other goes over and kicks the sack that the brunette is in. She goes, “MEOW!” The cop says, “It’s just a cat.” Then he kicks the sack that the redhead is in. She goes, “WOOF!” The cop says, “It’s just a dog.” Then he kicks the sack that the blonde is in. She yells, “POTATOES!”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are about to be executed by a firing squad. The brunette is up first. “Any last requests?” asks the commander. “No,” she replies. So the commander says, “Ready, aim,” and the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” Everyone turns to look and the brunette escapes. Next, the redhead is up. “Any last requests?” asks the commander. “No,” she replies. So the commander says, “Ready, aim,” and the redhead yells, “TORNADO!” Everyone turns to look and the redhead also escapes. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. By this time she has caught on to what the other two were doing and decides to try it herself. “Any last requests?” asks the commander. “No,” she replies. So the commander says, “Ready, aim,” and the blonde yells, “FIRE!”
A man needs to cross a river. He looks around, but can’t find a way across. He then notices a blonde on the other side of the river, so he yells over to her, “How do I get to the other side?” The blonde looks at him and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side!”
A ventriloquist is up on stage going through his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the fourth row stands up on her chair and screams, “I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!” The ventriloquist says, “I’m terribly sorry. These are only jokes, and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings.” The blonde yells back, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”